“For the first time in a really long time I’m able to just relax. If I want to be silly, I can do it. It just happens to coincide with my sister moving in.”
My Bride is happy. Professionally she has just accomplished her goal. Masters degree, 4.0 GPA, and a new job.
I went and got my masters degree. 3.95 GPA (I was close), graduated with honors but no job.
Due to circumstances I don’t believe I will ever get that job.
My Bride is happy in all aspects of life but one. She is now stress free in all aspects of life but one.
Her sister moved in a few weeks back and she now has a live in buddy. Someone she can relate to, talk to and that person can make her happy with a look.
All the things I’m supposed to be. Yet I’m not the one that gets to do it.
I am the total and complete source of pain, stress and frustration in her life right now.
I am not involved in providing her happiness.
I am not involved in her joy.
involved responsible for every negative aspect of her life right now.
Those facts are weighing on me immensely.
Everything I want and need to do for My Bride has been supplied by others and it’s killing me. It’s almost like she’s telling me, “You’re not allowed to be involved in my joy.”
Doing The Math
When you add things up:
Difficulty touching me
Difficulty kissing me
Purposely avoiding me
Happiness with others
They all add up to where we are. She says she lives me, but she clearly doesn’t need me.
Happiness comes from elsewhere. Support is external. Intimacy is external. Understanding comes from elsewhere. Comfort comes from others.
All of my roles, other than providing, have been assumed by someone else.
Knowing the way things work, I’m going to be told how wrong I am. That I’m completely misreading everything.
I’ll be told that I’m being irrational.
That’s the hardest thing for me to hear.
The way you think and interpret information is not based in reality.
Annnnd she just walked by, kissed me on the head and tells me she lives me.
I’m a fucking wreck