It Comes From Others

“For the first time in a really long time I’m able to just relax. If I want to be silly, I can do it. It just happens to coincide with my sister moving in.”

My Bride is happy. Professionally she has just accomplished her goal. Masters degree, 4.0 GPA, and a new job.

I’m jealous.

I went and got my masters degree. 3.95 GPA (I was close), graduated with honors but no job.

Due to circumstances I don’t believe I will ever get that job.

Happiness
My Bride is happy in all aspects of life but one. She is now stress free in all aspects of life but one.

Her sister moved in a few weeks back and she now has a live in buddy. Someone she can relate to, talk to and that person can make her happy with a look.

All the things I’m supposed to be. Yet I’m not the one that gets to do it.

I am the total and complete source of pain, stress and frustration in her life right now.

I am not involved in providing her happiness.

I am not involved in her joy.

I AM involved responsible for every negative aspect of her life right now.

Those facts are weighing on me immensely.

Everything I want and need to do for My Bride has been supplied by others and it’s killing me. It’s almost like she’s telling me, “You’re not allowed to be involved in my joy.”

Doing The Math
When you add things up:
Difficulty touching me
Difficulty kissing me
Purposely avoiding me
Happiness with others
My failures

They all add up to where we are. She says she lives me, but she clearly doesn’t need me.

Happiness comes from elsewhere. Support is external. Intimacy is external. Understanding comes from elsewhere. Comfort comes from others.

All of my roles, other than providing, have been assumed by someone else.

Knowing the way things work, I’m going to be told how wrong I am. That I’m completely misreading everything.
Or
I’ll be told that I’m being irrational.
That’s the hardest thing for me to hear.

The way you think and interpret information is not based in reality.

Awesome

Annnnd she just walked by, kissed me on the head and tells me she lives me.

I’m a fucking wreck

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to It Comes From Others

  1. kit says:

    Hey bud, it’s called detachment, an important part of her recovery and her healing. Let the healing begin!! She heals, you do your work and there can be recovery! Be hopeful but honor her journey. It is the gift you can give her.

  2. chinaskie says:

    I agree totally with kit.
    Also, did you notice you said “she doesn’t need me”? Do you really WANT her to need you? Do you want to need her? I’m pretty sure nobody wants that. It’s called co-dependence. As you heal, you may find yourself not feeling need as much. Perhaps you will feel understanding, compassion, and admiration. Perhaps you will feel the opposite. But hopefully they will be authentic feelings coming from inside you – feelings that will help you move forward with your Bride because she’ll be able to see and appreciate your own self-awareness.

    You’re an addict. Addicts are highly irrational beings when they’re triggered. Irrationality is also not permanent. Keep talking and working on it. Answers will come πŸ™‚

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