There are things I will never understand. I’m probably not built to or even meant to understand them.
Recently I’ve been telling My Bride what’s on my mind and it hasn’t been positive. My comments have been mean, nasty and tell her how much she sucks. However, when she does the same she does it she calls it being honest. “Do you want me to keep my feelings from you?”
There’s a hypocrisy there and that is the one thing that pisses me off more than any other.
By telling her my thoughts and feelings, she has found it necessary to completely withdraw from me. There is no touch. There are no kisses. There are no affirmations. There is no warmth. There is no sense of welcome. We had been best friends with occasional benefits. We turned into friends. Then we turned into a acquaintances. Now we are just familiar faces.
She is fully aware of what I need most. She knows that I need touch and affirmation. She withholds them. When she came home from work yesterday she just said hi to me and walked right by. There was no hug. There was no kiss.
I spent the rest of the evening dying for her touch. It never came. I decided I would not pursue her touch, she would come to me.
It never happened.
Finally, as we were about to sleep, I asked if we could touch or hug or something.
“Can we just hold hands?”
Her offer of touch was holding my hand. We are not 13 years old. We are both over 40, have been married over 20 years, have 3 kids together and a lifetime of experiences. She just wants to hold my hand.
“Why don’t you want to touch me?”
I don’t know.
She won’t admit to anything, but it’s clear to me she is disgusted with me. I brought up divorce again. When I do she mocks me and accuses me of making threats.
I’m not threatening.
I’m considering it very seriously now.
There is zero joy in our lives.
There seems to be zero commitment other than words.
Intimacy is beyond dead.
Her desire for me does not exist.
Our desire to be together doesn’t seem to exist anymore.
Any flame there was a few months ago has been put out.
There is only coldness and pain.
We have marriage counseling in 5 days. I don’t know that we’ll make it that far.
She says she wants to be married to me. She says she loves me. I asked why she loves me and she has no answer.
I do NOT want a divorce.
I do not want what we have right now.
I want her to be happy and that doesn’t seem possible with me.
I want to be happy and it can be with her. I’m desperate for her.
She is not desperate for me.
I fear we have had our happiest times behind us. I fear the only thing left is pain and mental suffering. I fear the only way for us to both heal is as single people.
She cannot speak with me without being hurt. She cannot embrace me without mental anguish. From where I’m standing, I see zero positive things happening in our lives together. I see zero outlook for success. Neither of us seems to have the ability, or desire, to meet each other’s needs.
I had thought divorce was a possibility several months ago. At one time I had thought it was a sure thing. She convinced me how wrong I was and that we were dramatically improving. Maybe we had been improving for a time. As it stands now, we’re on a dramatic losing streak and I’m not sure I can mentally handle it anymore.
I need peace.
I need support.
I need affirmation.
I need love.
I need joy.
I need happiness.
I need to be able to freely give those to others as well.
My wife cannot meet any of my needs right now. My therapist says we can only give what we have. That she’s doing the best she can with what she has.
If the best she has brings me anguish and pain, are we supposed to stay married? Over the past 2 weeks I’ve actually dreaded going home. I don’t want more pain.
I’m in love
I’m in need
I don’t know what to do
I have no rock
I have no support
I have no safe place
I have no spirituality
I have no hope