Is It Over?

There are things I will never understand. I’m probably not built to or even meant to understand them.

Recently I’ve been telling My Bride what’s on my mind and it hasn’t been positive. My comments have been mean, nasty and tell her how much she sucks. However, when she does the same she does it she calls it being honest. “Do you want me to keep my feelings from you?”

There’s a hypocrisy there and that is the one thing that pisses me off more than any other.

By telling her my thoughts and feelings, she has found it necessary to completely withdraw from me. There is no touch. There are no kisses. There are no affirmations. There is no warmth. There is no sense of welcome. We had been best friends with occasional benefits. We turned into friends. Then we turned into a acquaintances. Now we are just familiar faces.

She is fully aware of what I need most. She knows that I need touch and affirmation. She withholds them. When she came home from work yesterday she just said hi to me and walked right by. There was no hug. There was no kiss.

I spent the rest of the evening dying for her touch. It never came. I decided I would not pursue her touch, she would come to me.
It never happened.
Finally, as we were about to sleep, I asked if we could touch or hug or something.
“Can we just hold hands?”

Her offer of touch was holding my hand. We are not 13 years old. We are both over 40, have been married over 20 years, have 3 kids together and a lifetime of experiences. She just wants to hold my hand.

“Why don’t you want to touch me?”
I don’t know.

She won’t admit to anything, but it’s clear to me she is disgusted with me. I brought up divorce again. When I do she mocks me and accuses me of making threats.

I’m not threatening.
I’m considering it very seriously now.

There is zero joy in our lives.
There seems to be zero commitment other than words.
Intimacy is beyond dead.
Her desire for me does not exist.
Our desire to be together doesn’t seem to exist anymore.
Any flame there was a few months ago has been put out.

There is only coldness and pain.

We have marriage counseling in 5 days. I don’t know that we’ll make it that far.

She says she wants to be married to me. She says she loves me. I asked why she loves me and she has no answer.

I do NOT want a divorce.
I do not want what we have right now.
I want her to be happy and that doesn’t seem possible with me.
I want to be happy and it can be with her. I’m desperate for her.
She is not desperate for me.

I fear we have had our happiest times behind us. I fear the only thing left is pain and mental suffering. I fear the only way for us to both heal is as single people.

She cannot speak with me without being hurt. She cannot embrace me without mental anguish. From where I’m standing, I see zero positive things happening in our lives together. I see zero outlook for success. Neither of us seems to have the ability, or desire, to meet each other’s needs.

I had thought divorce was a possibility several months ago. At one time I had thought it was a sure thing. She convinced me how wrong I was and that we were dramatically improving. Maybe we had been improving for a time. As it stands now, we’re on a dramatic losing streak and I’m not sure I can mentally handle it anymore.

I need peace.
I need support.
I need affirmation.
I need love.
I need joy.
I need happiness.
I need to be able to freely give those to others as well.

My wife cannot meet any of my needs right now. My therapist says we can only give what we have. That she’s doing the best she can with what she has.

If the best she has brings me anguish and pain, are we supposed to stay married? Over the past 2 weeks I’ve actually dreaded going home. I don’t want more pain.

I’m confused
I’m hurt
I’m suffering
I’m in love
I’m in need
I don’t know what to do
I’m lost

I have no rock
I have no support
I have no safe place
I have no spirituality
I have no hope

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to Is It Over?

  1. chinaskie says:

    Just curious, how long has it been since you disclosed everything?

    • MyJourney says:

      Middle of last November.

      • chinaskie says:

        So about 4 months or so?

      • MyJourney says:

        We had been enjoying excellent times from Jan 1 up until the middle of March.

      • chinaskie says:

        You disclosed all your infidelity, etc in Nov. and you were having an excellent time together from Jan. until March?

      • MyJourney says:

        That is correct

      • chinaskie says:

        That’s interesting. I hope I wasn’t being to pokey.

      • MyJourney says:

        Not trouble at all. Poke all you like. I don’t have to answer. I will, but I don’t have to.

      • chinaskie says:

        Ok. Did she know/suspect anything until you disclosed or was it a shocker?

      • MyJourney says:

        She knew something had been going on. There was a near discovery a few years ago that I was able to cover up. But she knew what was up. Subconscious, but she knew.

      • chinaskie says:

        Ok, so you’d been active in your addiction for years, she likely suspected something, inevitably you disclosed (under therapist direction or just a full confession?) and things were bumpy for a month or so, then they were good again, and now they’re not?

      • MyJourney says:

        I disclosed in an odd way. I had disclosed the nature of how I had been molested as a boy. That led to a few questions. That led me to explain a few things. That led to a probing question that ended up with me confessing everything to her.

        Things were tough the first couple of days but turned into a honeymoon period. Afterward we hit pretty tough times. Then incredible times at the start of the year.

        That was a really long way to say yes to your question.

      • chinaskie says:

        I followed 🙂

        Ok, so you have incredible childhood trauma, followed by decades (?) of acting out/dealing with the pain the only way you knew how. A disclosure about abuse became a confession about things you did in your marriage that could put it in serious jeopardy. Is she an abuse survivor?

      • MyJourney says:

        That’s a very accurate summation of the situation. She has no history of abuse, aside from my infidelity.

      • chinaskie says:

        Ok, and does she have a history of being anorexic with you?

      • MyJourney says:

        Yes, over the last several years. It has increased dramatically in recent weeks.

      • chinaskie says:

        Ok, so we know your Bride has issues of her own. Here are my questions:
        1. Is it possible that the amount of information she received back in November was so intense that she might not have been able to process it yet, so she compartmentalized in order to be supportive and present?
        2. Is it possible she is only now having strong reactions to all that she learned, and is therefore falling back on old behaviors in order to cope?
        3. Does she have a therapist/spiritual mentor/private confidant ?
        4. Do you think 5 months is long enough for a spouse to take in an incredible amount of upsetting information about their loved one, process it, heal and then become functional and active in the marriage again?

      • MyJourney says:

        1. Yes, that is very possible. However, she said that was how things worked for the first month. Things have changed since.
        2. Very possible. However she says she is past that. I tend to agree with your analysis though.
        3. She had a therapist. We had been seeing her as a couple, then she saw her individually and we see her as a couple again. My thinking is she needs to be in individual counseling still.
        4. No I do not. I had thought we were on a miraculous path of healing up until the past 3 weeks but I knew she wasn’t healed.

        I feel very mislead. She had been telling me how much better things were. We had been enjoying great times together. She was providing the touch I needed and the occasional sexual contact too.

        It was not completely true. She was forcing herself to touch me and she was forcing the sexual contact. I was unaware of her mental pictures of me until we blew up.

        I clearly had unrealistic expectations.

      • chinaskie says:

        As a non-professional with no expertise other than the experience I’ve gained in and out of SLAA rooms over the last 5 years, I agree with your last statement. I hope you’re both able to be kind and gentle with eachother and do the work you both feel will heal you and reunite you.

      • MyJourney says:

        Thank you so much. It’s funny how positive words from a complete stranger can lift me up. I really appreciate it.

      • chinaskie says:

        You’re welcome. That’s one great benefit of SLAA and other 12 step programs: you get to meet people who come from what you come from, but they’re no one you know from day to day life, so there is relatability AND anonymity.

        Seems like you and your Bride have a long journey ahead. The work to do is there and that’s a fact. No need to bash yourselves over the head with it. It will be there when you want to take on tasks. Be kind to eachother 🙂

      • MyJourney says:

        I had been active in my addiction since adolescence btw.

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