Sobriety Day 96
I can’t explain it, but today was incredible. It is completely astounding. Last night was the exact opposite.
For the first time in a month I didn’t make a lame excuse and I drug my ass to the large Celebrate Recovery meeting. It’s over 2 hours if you attend the entire thing, 3 if you go to the dinner. I’m not too keen on spending that much time away from home on a work night.
Some guy have his testimony. It was scheduled for 15 minutes but took 75. There was a lot of seat squirming. It was ok though. I identified with a few things. Molested at an early age and blames all problems on his spouse. That’s basically describes the guy writing this crap.
The next part is open share. 3-5 minutes to say whatever you’d like. Don’t address anyone else and don’t respond to what someone else says. Keep your mouth shut, say what you need and finish it up.
It’s always a pretty decent experience. I guess there’s something about seeing other humans and speaking publicly about my problems that keeps me from going. That tells me I need to get off my arse and go to the meetings.
Home With Joy
Upon arriving home my family had taken up root on the couch. We talked as a group for awhile. After a bit, we all went off to bed.
This is where the lack of joy began.
My Bride was tired. Come to find out, exhausted. I didn’t know. So when we hit the sheets and went through our traditional rituals, I didn’t think anything was amiss. She scanned Facebook and I scanned Twitter.
I stopped early and looked at her.
She was engrossed in Facebook.
She puts her phone down, rolls over and closes her eyes.
“Can we talk?”
“I dunno, how was your day?”
I asked a few polite conversation questions and received one word answers. There were no questions coming my way.
What ended up happening was I told her I wanted to talk for a few minutes. She told me she just wanted to sleep.
This all happened after I had been reading up on intimacy anorexia. From the guy who wrote the book on it, here are the symptoms:
1. Busy: Intimacy anorexics stay so busy that they have little time for their spouse.
2. Blame: The intimacy anorexic will blame their spouse for the problems in the marriage.
3. Withholding Love: The intimacy anorexic actively withholds love the way the spouse likes to be loved.
4. Withholding Praise: Intimacy anorexics do not regularly praise their spouse privately.
5. Withholding Sex: Not all intimacy anorexics withhold sex from their spouse. Most intimacy anorexics do though withhold intimacy during sex.
6. Withholding Spiritually: Intimacy anorexics can be very religious by attending church and can even be the pastor or spiritual leader at the church. But at home they rarely pray with their spouse or worship or read the Bible together.
7. Feelings: The intimacy anorexic is someone who is unwilling or unable to share their feelings with their spouse.
8. Criticism: Ongoing or ungrounded criticism toward their spouse is another characteristic of intimacy anorexia.
9. Anger/Silence: An intimacy anorexic can use anger or silence to control their spouse.
10. Money: This is the least common feature of intimacy anorexia but when it’s present it is really strong. The intimacy anorexic will use money to control the spouse.
My Bride is described by at least 5 of those symptoms. Since I’m an amateur psychotherapist, I made the easy diagnosis of intimacy anorexia.
This was my state of mind most of the day.
Viewpoints are a funny thing. My Bride was blowing off my request to talk. She had spent her entire time in bed playing with her phone (that is most nights). When I wanted to talk she was too tired. “She has no time for me, symptom 1.”
I went through each symptom and fit her behaviors into each one.
She doesn’t want to give me physical love/affection; my love language. That’s symptom 3.
I already know that she blames me for everything; symptom 2.
She rarely says nice things to me or about me, she withholds praise. That’s symptom 4.
She withholds sex. Symptom 5.
We have virtually no discussions about spiritual matters. Symptom 6.
I don’t really ever know how she’s feeling. Symptom 7.
She does not like to talk with me. Symptom 9.
When she told me she just wanted to sleep, my mind was made up. She was full blown intimacy anorexic.
I started saying things about her not wanting to speak with me. I’m not worth your time. I just wanted a few minutes, that’s not a crazy thing.
I’m just so tired. I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep.
It didn’t matter. My mind was made up. I went quickly to sleep.
Morning came so I asked my traditional question. “How’d you sleep?”
It was pretty ironic that she was unable to sleep very well.
I felt very responsible.
My Bride came in from work about 30 minutes ago. She came up to me and told me that she was just exhausted last night. She wanted to talk but couldn’t.
It appears my next assignment is to work on my assumptions.