It has been a craptastic past 10 days. It was capped off just a moment ago during pillow talk.
“Would you like to snuggle and kiss?”
“No, but I’ll give you a goodnight kiss.”
She rolled over to kiss me. It was cold and quick. It was a duty kiss. I’m your wife so I have to do this kind of kiss. The kiss actually hurt my feelings.
I told her I didn’t know things were this bad. “What do you mean?”
Kisses, when they happen, have no passion. They have no warmth. The kiss I just had was physically cold.
Hugs only happen if I instigate them. This evening she put her head on my chest when I hugged her, but pushed away pretty quickly.
Snuggling? I can better tell you when we did snuggle as opposed to when we didn’t. We snuggled this morning for quite awhile. That was the first time in I don’t know how long.
I used to tell her we had become friends with occasional benefits. This evening, I don’t even feel the friend part. We have become acquaintances. Our marriage now has no obvious intimacy.
Therapist told us to halt all sexual contact until our next meeting. Since then physical contact has ceased. Virtually all of it. We were scheduled to meet Therapist on March 31, but she had to cancel. Now it’s another week away and that means contact is gone another week.
It’s as if when My Bride heard Therapist say “No sexual contact,” something switched in her mind that said “now’s your chance, now you have a reason to avoid all contact.” I’m cool with the no sex thing. I’m not cool with zero contact and zero intimacy.
We were told to put sex on the back burner. That’s fine, but for me, as a person, I don’t feel like I’m even on the kitchen so to speak. In fact, I feel like I’m put away and stored in the cold. Out of sight out of mind. Rather ignore contact and it will go away.
“I’m sorry, but being physical is incredibly hard for me right now.”
I need something. I am beginning to see her as an acquaintance.
Marriage is not plutonic. Marriage is not mere friendship. Marriage is not just being acquaintances. There’s so much more, yet we have none of it.
She told me her greatest fear is that she’s so broken she will never be able to give me what I need and that she’s afraid of what that means.
We all know what that means.
I feel like any flame, any spark there was between us is gone. It has been killed and it’s gone.
“Do you feel close to me?”
“I share everything with you.”
Ok, that’s something. It’s not intimacy though. It’s something you would do with a really close friend. At this point, I don’t feel close to her. In fact, she’s literally a stranger to me know.
Something has to change and it has to change soon. It’s almost like I feel my desire fading away. That’s the scariest and saddest thing I’ve ever written.
I think she’s already there but can’t admit it yet and that makes this even more painful.
I fear we are in a transition phase and it’s one we don’t want to be in. I asked her thoughts on separation. She doesn’t think it would serve any purpose. I was hoping that maybe absence would make the heart grow fonder. It’s something I’ve suggested a few times over the past 2 weeks and she is very resistant to it.
I WANT US TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My greatest fear is that we are reaching the end. I’m starting to think it has happened though. I’ve said that before as a way to get a reaction or to stimulate things. I think it might actually be true now. That pisses her off, but I think we’re definitely flowing that direction and I’m not saying it for effect. It’s something that terrifies me.
She’d find love quickly, she’s a huge catch. Me? I’m an asshole fat tub of goo. I would spend the rest of my life alone.
My hope lies in something Therapist said. “Things might get way worse before they get better.” She also told me that we don’t need to divorce. Both of us want to work on us and we could’ve split up months ago. “I don’t see divorce as anything you need to consider.”
I’m desperate for that to be true.
I’m terrified over what I caused.
If I killed our marriage, I will have become the biggest scumbag on earth. Strike that. I will have become the biggest scumbag in heaven.
I believed God had brought us together for a reason and it was for His glory. I believed God had huge plans for us, as a strong married couple. When I pray, I pray for God’s will to be done.
I kinda fucked our purpose up. Is it possible decisions I’ve made and things I’ve done caused God to dump us and move to another couple?
I know I murdered her sex drive. Did I kill our purpose spiritually as well!?
Holy God, what have I done!?!?
The only thoughts that come to mind right now are full of pain and anguish. I have KILLED part of my wife. I have KILLED an incredibly special part of our marriage. I have DESTROYED intimacy in our marriage.
“I have become death, destroyer of worlds.” That’s a phrase that is literally pounding in my mind. I see the pain I have caused My Bride. I see it very clearly and it’s appalling. Never before have I felt this low.
I see the pain I’ve caused my boys. I am appalled.
I see the pain I caused My Bride’s family, I am appalled.
I see the pain I have caused my family, I am appalled.
I see the pain I have caused my students and coworkers, I am appalled.
I see the pain I have caused God and I am eternally appalled, perhaps damned.
My homework from our last marriage session was to find ways to love me. That is literally impossible when all I see are reasons for my destruction.
Therapist told me I am a blessing to my family, that my presence and love is so special to them.
I have killed intimacy in our marriage how am I a blessing to anyone!? I have been a complete pricked to everyone I’ve ever come in contact with. What kind of blessing is that!?
I see myself in the following way;
Unworthy of acceptance
Unworthy of love
Unworthy of affection
When it comes right down to it, the last one is where it’s at. I feel like a failure.
I have failed My Bride, my children, my brother and sister, my parents, Her family, my career and most of all, God. Everything I’ve ever tried has failed. Everything I’ve ever been a part of has imploded. Everything I’ve ever been associated with has been injured beyond repair.
I have destroyed so many lives.
I have become death, destroyer of worlds.