I Have Become Death

It has been a craptastic past 10 days. It was capped off just a moment ago during pillow talk.
“Would you like to snuggle and kiss?”
“No, but I’ll give you a goodnight kiss.”

She rolled over to kiss me. It was cold and quick. It was a duty kiss. I’m your wife so I have to do this kind of kiss. The kiss actually hurt my feelings.

I told her I didn’t know things were this bad. “What do you mean?”

Kisses, when they happen, have no passion. They have no warmth. The kiss I just had was physically cold.

Hugs only happen if I instigate them. This evening she put her head on my chest when I hugged her, but pushed away pretty quickly.

Snuggling? I can better tell you when we did snuggle as opposed to when we didn’t. We snuggled this morning for quite awhile. That was the first time in I don’t know how long.

I used to tell her we had become friends with occasional benefits. This evening, I don’t even feel the friend part. We have become acquaintances. Our marriage now has no obvious intimacy.

Therapist told us to halt all sexual contact until our next meeting. Since then physical contact has ceased. Virtually all of it. We were scheduled to meet Therapist on March 31, but she had to cancel. Now it’s another week away and that means contact is gone another week.

It’s as if when My Bride heard Therapist say “No sexual contact,” something switched in her mind that said “now’s your chance, now you have a reason to avoid all contact.” I’m cool with the no sex thing. I’m not cool with zero contact and zero intimacy.

Perfect

We were told to put sex on the back burner. That’s fine, but for me, as a person, I don’t feel like I’m even on the kitchen so to speak. In fact, I feel like I’m put away and stored in the cold. Out of sight out of mind. Rather ignore contact and it will go away.

“I’m sorry, but being physical is incredibly hard for me right now.”

I need something. I am beginning to see her as an acquaintance.

Marriage is not plutonic. Marriage is not mere friendship. Marriage is not just being acquaintances. There’s so much more, yet we have none of it.

She told me her greatest fear is that she’s so broken she will never be able to give me what I need and that she’s afraid of what that means.

We all know what that means.

I feel like any flame, any spark there was between us is gone. It has been killed and it’s gone.

“Do you feel close to me?”
“Yes”
“How?”
“I share everything with you.”

Ok, that’s something. It’s not intimacy though. It’s something you would do with a really close friend. At this point, I don’t feel close to her. In fact, she’s literally a stranger to me know.

Something has to change and it has to change soon. It’s almost like I feel my desire fading away. That’s the scariest and saddest thing I’ve ever written.

I think she’s already there but can’t admit it yet and that makes this even more painful.

I fear we are in a transition phase and it’s one we don’t want to be in. I asked her thoughts on separation. She doesn’t think it would serve any purpose. I was hoping that maybe absence would make the heart grow fonder. It’s something I’ve suggested a few times over the past 2 weeks and she is very resistant to it.

I WANT US TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My greatest fear is that we are reaching the end. I’m starting to think it has happened though. I’ve said that before as a way to get a reaction or to stimulate things. I think it might actually be true now. That pisses her off, but I think we’re definitely flowing that direction and I’m not saying it for effect. It’s something that terrifies me.

She’d find love quickly, she’s a huge catch. Me? I’m an asshole fat tub of goo. I would spend the rest of my life alone.

My hope lies in something Therapist said. “Things might get way worse before they get better.” She also told me that we don’t need to divorce. Both of us want to work on us and we could’ve split up months ago. “I don’t see divorce as anything you need to consider.”

I’m desperate for that to be true.
I’m terrified over what I caused.
If I killed our marriage, I will have become the biggest scumbag on earth. Strike that. I will have become the biggest scumbag in heaven.

I believed God had brought us together for a reason and it was for His glory. I believed God had huge plans for us, as a strong married couple. When I pray, I pray for God’s will to be done.

Buuuuuuut…

I kinda fucked our purpose up. Is it possible decisions I’ve made and things I’ve done caused God to dump us and move to another couple?

I know I murdered her sex drive. Did I kill our purpose spiritually as well!?

Holy God, what have I done!?!?

The only thoughts that come to mind right now are full of pain and anguish. I have KILLED part of my wife. I have KILLED an incredibly special part of our marriage. I have DESTROYED intimacy in our marriage.

“I have become death, destroyer of worlds.” That’s a phrase that is literally pounding in my mind. I see the pain I have caused My Bride. I see it very clearly and it’s appalling. Never before have I felt this low.

I see the pain I’ve caused my boys. I am appalled.

I see the pain I caused My Bride’s family, I am appalled.

I see the pain I have caused my family, I am appalled.

I see the pain I have caused my students and coworkers, I am appalled.

I see the pain I have caused God and I am eternally appalled, perhaps damned.

My homework from our last marriage session was to find ways to love me. That is literally impossible when all I see are reasons for my destruction.

Therapist told me I am a blessing to my family, that my presence and love is so special to them.
I have killed intimacy in our marriage how am I a blessing to anyone!? I have been a complete pricked to everyone I’ve ever come in contact with. What kind of blessing is that!?

I see myself in the following way;
Selfish
Disgusting
Scum
Evil
Asshole
Pain-Maker
Murderer
Cheater
Liar
Deceiver
Untrustworthy
Unworthy of acceptance
Unworthy of love
Unworthy of affection
Loser
Stupid
Dork
Idiot
Unoriginal
Boring
Unemployable
Fraud
Wannabe
Pathetic
Pussy
Wuss
Failure

When it comes right down to it, the last one is where it’s at. I feel like a failure.

I have failed My Bride, my children, my brother and sister, my parents, Her family, my career and most of all, God. Everything I’ve ever tried has failed. Everything I’ve ever been a part of has imploded. Everything I’ve ever been associated with has been injured beyond repair.
I have destroyed so many lives.

I have become death, destroyer of worlds.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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12 Responses to I Have Become Death

  1. chinaskie says:

    Your honesty is brutal and painful and important. I also think much of it is you having feelings you’d rather squash under the sublime thrill of a sexual encounter.

    You’re not a failure. You’re not a saint. You’re human. You erred. You caused damage. You are hurting deeply. This is all real. You can survive it. So can she. And maybe give her a break? Just leave her be for a few days. Hug your family. Hug a close friend. How can she ever come back around if she’s fighting with you about getting space?

    Maybe give yourself a break too. You’re not acting out, right? You’re taking steps to get things back together- that’s major! And it’s gonna be slow. It takes time to heal. Give yourself time. You can do this. If your higher power is all they say, then he is with you and will be there for you. Your faith will show you what you need to be shown, right? Take it a day, an hour, a minute at a time. Whatever it takes to get through.
    What’s something you did well?

    Just some feedback from the ether. Take what you like…

    • MyJourney says:

      Thanks
      Seriously, thanks.

      • chinaskie says:

        You’re welcome. Believe it or not, I think you’ve had more intimacy in your marriage than you realize. I look forward to the day when it hits you and you talk about it. 🙂

      • MyJourney says:

        That’s a pretty cool thought.

        We’ve had intimacy before. Even since I disclosed everything. We have been intimate until March 17. I know the exact day, I had surgery that day.

        It was RARELY sexual intimacy. It was the beautiful embraces, the long, warm kiss, I would lose myself in her eyes.

        She won’t look into my eyes now. I documented the rest.

      • chinaskie says:

        Do you feel that the word “intimacy” relates to only sex and physically affectionate behavior between two people? Could it possibly mean more? What if you could just lay together in bed without touching, but KNOWING that she was the love of your life, and what if she felt the same way, and you could both express it without trying to manifest it through touch? What if you could sit and talk with eachother and really hear eachother – and empathize and relate? What if that ability to connect could bring you closer? Bring some trust back? Could that be intimacy too? Just some ideas to consider…

      • MyJourney says:

        Yes and yes
        My entire life was built on touch relates love. I’m learning differently now.

        When she smiles at me, looks into my eyes or talks with me past the superficial level- those are intimate moments. Those have not been around for sometime now.

        There is a major disconnect. My bipolar swings is a huge component of that disconnect. She fears letting her guard down and getting too close because I’m just going to swing negative and hurt her again. There’s little I can do about that.

      • chinaskie says:

        I’m treated for bipolar – what do you take?

      • MyJourney says:

        450mg Wellbutrin and 20mg Lexapro

      • chinaskie says:

        Have you been on them a long time?

      • MyJourney says:

        Lexapro has been at least 5 years and Wellbutrin is 1 year. I was bumped to the max dosage on Wellbutrin at the end of December.

      • chinaskie says:

        I was on Wellbutrin for about 10 years. Lithium now. I often wonder how I might be as a fully sober person.

      • MyJourney says:

        Yeah, that thought rattles around a bit in my noggin too.

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