Sobriety Day 89– Big fucking whoop.
Yesterday was our second session of marriage therapy. It sucked ass. I generally love going to therapy. Yesterday kicked my ass in 2 ways.
1. It was focused primarily on me
2. I found out new info, again
We talked about sex of course. We had all agreed to put sex on the back burner the previous session. I thought that meant the back burner during therapy.
*Therapist had JUST asked us what we thought was the burning issue. We said conflict resolution. ‘Ok, are we agreed to put sex on the back burner then?’ And we were.
Come to find out, My Bride thought back burner meant we weren’t having sexual contact at all.
I asked her got a HJ last week. She brought up that sex was on the back burner. “Yeah, we aren’t at therapy. We can do this.”
“No, back burner meant no sex.”
Thus began an argument still ongoing.
We cleared it up last night. The therapist had meant no sex.
That segued into her reasons for no sex- trauma. That segued into agreeing to no sexual contact until our meeting next week.
I’ll get to the part about me in a minute.
Often times I am given brand new info in these sessions. That is ALWAYS very important and hurtful info.
Ex: Last September, before any disclosure had been made, I was suicidal. My Bride, 2 weeks prior, had told me she hates sex and she wouldn’t have it unless she wanted it. We didn’t have sex much to begin with. I knew this meant crate up your dick, ya won’t be needing that for the next 6 months.
Sex has always been a huge part of my life (explains the sex addiction). Sex was the only way I knew of to give/receive intimacy. It had just been taken away. I was already deeply depressed. This took me to a very deep place.
One night we had been out to eat. I was impossibly sad. A few minutes after getting home, My Bride called me to our room. I got up and drug myself to her.
There stood My Beautiful Bride, naked. I cried real hard. This was very special to me. I asked why this was happening and she told me to not ask questions and let it happen.
It was beautiful, everything I could have wanted.
I asked if it was real. She told me she had wanted to do it.
A day later I asked again.
This went on for around 2 weeks. Right up to our next scheduled therapy session. It was there that I discovered a difficult truth.
We brought therapist up to speed. “We made love” jumped from my mouth. I described to encounter. Then My Bride described it.
*remember- I actually attempted suicide 2 weeks prior
She then explained how depressed I had been. I was in a terribly dark place and she feared losing me. She had sex with me out of duty and pity to help pull me back up.
I found out, in therapy she wasn’t wanting sex. She performed her duty. While she HAD told the truth, she wanted to have sex. But not because she wanted it, but because she wanted to help me.
She lied to me. She lied for 2 weeks. She had not fabricated anything. She had performed the lie of omission.
There have been MANY instances if this recently. I assume it has gone on for years and I’m finding out now due to our honesty commitment.
Lying by omission
Also known as a continuing misrepresentation, a lie by omission occurs when an important fact is left out in order to foster a misconception. Lying by omission includes failures to correct pre-existing misconceptions. When the seller of a car declares it has been serviced regularly but does not tell that a fault was reported at the last service, the seller lies by omission. It can be compared to dissimulation
Don’t ask questions actually meant- don’t ask so I don’t have to tell.
I wanted to do it actually meant– I wanted to do it to bring you out of the gutter and shut you up.
*interesting, she told me a few days later that she had masturbated 3 times during the day. My guess is that was so she could make herself do me.
Should I tell her she lies, the response is always an indignant, “I have never lied to you.” She is supremely pusses off by that allegation. I will them read to her the definition of Lie By Omission.
That means nothing to her. “I don’t lie to you” always gets said. “You are, by definition, lying to me.”
“Whatever, you can whatever you want, but I don’t lie to you.”
She doesn’t seem to care that, if I had been given that 1 piece of information, I would have had a dramatically different opinion.
Yesterday, it happened again.
We’ve had sex a few times in January. It’s been her taking care if me since. We then mentioned the visions she gets in her mind of me and the others. Previously she had told me these visions only happen during sex. I outright asked her about the images when she gives me a HJ. “Sometimes, not always, but I always get them when we have sex.”
So imagine my surprise yesterday when she informs is that she had the mental images with ANY sexual contact AND in many other instances.
There was another lie by omission, but I forget what it was. I’m a little worked right now.
This led to the usual,
“No I didn’t” argument.
She refuses to acknowledge that she might actually be wrong about something.
The session ended up being about me.
I have huge issues. Childhood, adolescence and college provided enormous problems for me. Abuse, bullied, mocked, dismissed, abandonment are all things I struggle with today.
Therapist asked if I thought this whole situation was my fault. And I 100% think it’s my fault. The question was them put to My Bride. She hemmed around and have a very long answer, finishing with, “Yes, it’s his fault.”
We both have MAJOR attachment issues. I have gargantuan issues myself. Therapist said that my issues are what is keeping us in our shitty hole. She added that we cannot really move on much until my issues are dealt with.
I already had shame kicking my ass. Now it had been confirmed, by a mental health professional, that I am the complete and total cause of the problems in our marriage.
Excuse me as I sink a few levels back into depression.
For what it’s worth, I have been given the green light to masturbate by Therapist and My Bride. So I’ve got that going for me.