The Pattern

“I never said we had to wait 30 days.”
– My Bride

Gah!!
I make discoveries. Sometimes I have to walk off a cliff to find out it’s there.

My Bride read my last post and was confused.
“I wish you weren’t mad at me.”

The thing is, I’m not mad at her. I’m mad at everything but her. As I’ve said before, I’m a very angry person.

This is pretty easy to diagnose. Well, from my viewpoint anyway.

I make an attempt to be selfless: “Asking for sex seriously messes with you. Let’s put it off for 30 days. At the end, you have to initiate.”

My Bride is given a brief period of peace: “Thank goodness, he won’t be asking for sex for awhile!”

A bit later (usually hours) I realize I just screwed myself: “Wait a minute, physical touch is my language. I just told us to ignore my love language for the next month. That’s idiotic! WTF was I thinking!?”

I get quite angry: “What the fuck is this!? I won’t stand for this!”
forgetting it was my idea

I end up exploding in anger: “goddammit! This is NOT cool! This shit’s changing right now!”

That period of peace My Bride was given ends up shattered.

My Bride becomes angry and/or confused: “I don’t know what to think. One day you completely understand, the next you’re incredibly angry.”

Today I figured it out. Well, I figured out the pattern. The rest, well, There’s no easy answer for the rest.

She was leaving to help her sister for a bit when I figured it out. Since she had just walked out I had to text my discovery to her. For some reason, she hasn’t responded.

If I know her, she doesn’t want to for fear of losing it in front of her sister. That would change things.

So?
I told her to confide in someone. I specifically mentioned her sister. My Bride is, understandably, uncomfortable with telling anyone anything right now. If she loses it, My Bride would tell the entire story. Last we spoke she wasn’t going to, but I’m beginning to think she’s about to spill her guts. I hope she does. It’s likely to cause significant discomfort, what with her learning my sordid details. I truly believe the ends would justify the means though.

TL;DR Version
Figured out pattern.
I try to be a good dude.
I’m not able to do it yet.
Putting her first screws me over mentally.
I want to be a good dude.
Unable to be a good dude still.
I end up changing my mind.
That confuses and/or hurts her.
Everyone gets mad.
Nobody wins.
Everyone loses.

My Bride might tell her sister.
Said she wouldn’t.
I think she should.
Would give her more support.
She just might do it.

This whole thing sucks donkeys.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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