Still Verboten

“There seems to be a cop on thread in about a third of your posts. You talk a lot about rejection and being bullied. You’re gonna have to address this before you can move on.”
-My Bride

I agree.

I have SEVERE feelings when rejected. Whenever My Bride rejects my romantic advances, I feel as if my joy has been stolen.
When rejected by my family, I feel like I have no worth.

I had a pretty big emotional meltdown a couple of days ago. The evening before we had decided to put sex off for 30 days. And when I say “we decided” I mean I know it’s something she desired. I have NO desire to do such a thing.

Physical touch is my love language. I would NEVER go out of my way and cut myself off from the one thing that makes me feel loved. That would be retarded.

This is NOT something I want. Far from it.

So the other night, I’m already down because the prospects of my love language being spoken no longer exist for the next month. I was a bit down to begin. Then we had a very poor evening. I let some ‘poor me’ things take hold and I went further down.

What brought me down?

Rejection
I had surgery last week. My parents never contacted me (we live 5 minutes apart by the way). My sister called me a couple of days later, so that was nice. My Bride made us super-clean the house last weekend because people would be here to ‘see’ me. Nobody came.
I had no visitors.
I had no phone calls.
I had 1 text message- HURRAY!

My feelings of rejection came home and say right on my chest.
“Hey, honey, I want to make love to you.”
::she turns her back and silently looks away::

I don’t think anyone can understand what it’s like to be rejected by everyone you know.
Family- rejects me emotionally and physically.
My Bride- rejects me romantically far above 98% of the time.

Do I deserve rejection from my wife?
Yeah, I did her wrong. But she forgave me. When do I stop paying the price?

Forgiveness
I messed up on a biblical scale. I understand that. But somewhere, forgiveness is supposed to heal things or at least soften things. I thought it was at least. So far- I kiss her sometimes.

‘Forgiveness isn’t for the person who hurt you, it’s for you’ is the popular phraseology. What does that even mean?

Damn It
I did not intend on bemoaning my wife’s rejection of me romantically. It kind of jumped out of me.

I told her this morning that everything within me wants to be physically romantic with her. We’d hold each other, kiss and caress one another and if it goes further- so be it.

Stand Down
Romantic, physical affection is not allowed. Verboten. It makes her uncomfortable.
Fuck what it does to me.

Comments to my posts have been/will be:
• Asking for sex hurts her
• Give her space
• Take time and heal
• What a great opportunity

Screw you
I’m hurting too. I have enormous needs that go unaddressed. I have SERIOUS needs that cannot be even talked about for fear of triggering. I have desires that trigger. And it’s nothing freaking gross. My desires are to share intimacy.

“You’re asking too much.”
Bull shit

I want a relationship that takes into account the thoughts, feelings and desires of BOTH partners. It’s not too fucking much to ask for.

I shouldn’t have to wait a god damned month to show physical love and intimacy to My Bride.
I will not wait 30 fucking days.
I’m just not going to do it. THAT is unreasonable.

This post will piss off My Bride more than any of my recent posts.
Why?
Because I’m being selfish. I’m stating what I want. Because I refuse to completely dismiss what fucking makes me tick.

Fuck you if you say I’m being an asshole about this.
Fuck you of you say I have no right.
Fuck you if you say I need to think of others for a change.

I try appreciate comments I get.
I take the comments I get to heart.
I think about those comments.
I ponder the comments.
I put a majority into action.

I’m gonna put my feelings out here today.

I’ve been rejected my entire life. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I not be rejected by My Bride 98 out of 100 times. THAT is unfair. THAT is unreasonable.

And as I’m about to hit ‘Publish’ she comes by and kisses my forehead.

I KNOW she loves me. I see it in her eyes. I hear it in her voice. I see it when I say hurtful things. I see it when she does things for me.

I truly want to show her my love in a way she understands it. I also want to experience our love in a way we BOTH understand it.

Frustrated
You bet your ass! The 2 paragraphs immediately above were written about ten minutes after the other stuff. My Bride can take me from super-pissed to a puddle of mush in a single touch.

Here I am, frustrated, physically lonesome, emotionally spent and I don’t know what to say, think or do next. I’m clueless.

What I wrote above will seriously upset her. I’m pretty sure what followed will change that.

I clearly have multiple personalities. I guess everything flows around which me shows up for the day. One thing is for certain though- physical love is still verboten.

Advertisements

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Still Verboten

  1. chinaskie says:

    I can relate to everything you’re talking about. I experienced tons of rejection as a child and while growing up. I added a new bottom line recently and I’m adjusting the old ones. I’m squirming like I’ve got bugs under my skin and I hate everyone in my fellowship for telling me I don’t need to be pursuing a man right now. I want attention and affection and sex!

    AND I know they are right. If I want things to change, if I want to find true intimacy and love, if I want to live instead of just survive, it’s in my best interest to sit with the discomfort right now. It won’t be forever, I know it won’t, even though it feels that way in moments. I’m sober today. I’m enjoying the remains of a sunny day and that’s something good I can enjoy without needing anything else for now. I know it’s hard to abstain. You’re not alone. It gets better. Not all at once. Hang in there. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s