Sobriety Day 85 or so…this is off the top of my head
There are 3 main demons that I fight on a daily basis.
1. Seething Anger
3. Sex Addiction
My Bride has become very skilled at helping me with 2 of those demons.
This is a very difficult subject for me. If I let myself go too deep, I can fall into a put of anger and become consumed by it for a few days.
I shall tread lightly
I was an abused child; physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually. I was also rejected by my family. I was ignored and dismissed. You could say a happy childhood it was not.
I am incredibly angry about those things.
It gets better…
I was picked on. I was bullied and made fun of. I was pushed around and laughed at. Boys would hit me and girls would laugh at me. All would mock me. I wasn’t a fan of my peer group.
I am incredibly angry about those things as well.
To this day I have a very difficult time whenever I see someone treated poorly. When it happened to my children, I would flip out. If I thought they were being dealt with unfairly, you bet your ass I was in the middle of you. In sports if I thought they were getting hosed, by anyone, I’d freak out.
One frequently heard of the mamma bear. That bitch ain’t got nothin’ on me. Though they are all teenagers or higher, I am a touch over-protective.
Don’t screw with my kids.
It’s pretty obvious, to me anyway, that I have an overly developed sense of right and wrong when it comes to people being treated well. If I think you’re screwing someone, you’re about to get screwed. And yes, I understand there’s a paradox in there. Nobody said I was consistent.
My mind tells me to protect those others pick on. I’ll be damned if I’m going to let someone else go through my pain. I become outraged that someone thinks they can pick on another person.
I can sit here and blame mom and dad and anyone else I choose for my shitty childhood. That changes nothing. It might explain a thing of two, but it’s not changing.
Anger manifests itself easily in my reactions. At times, uncontrollably.
I always think someone is out to get me. My last post spoke to this. ‘Who’s to say my wife will make any changes in an attempt to become sexual?’
That’s straight up paranoia. I know she wants things changed.
At work, I assume others are out to get me fired. I think family members are talking crap behind my back and spreading rumors. I think there are others that try to get my kids to hate me.
I have assumed my wife was going to leave me. She was going to meet the guy at work, innocently chat, over-share something or another, mentally connect and discover he’s the one that makes her feel special and loved. He ends up being the one that brings her to enjoying sexuality again.
None of this is healthy by the way. These are just things that ping around or have pinged around my head.
My wife is unable to help with this one. There’s not much to say. I discovered porn early, a few months after being molested. Porn and masturbation were my escape from the hurts of reality. They were the only thing that brought me consistent joy.
Addiction soon followed.
Addiction turned to action.
Action turned to destruction.
My Bride’s Help
Over the last year, My Bride has learned how to ‘talk me off the ledge’ so to speak. She sees me winding into very unhealthy areas and has the ability to keep me from jumping.
Last night was another one of those times.
We spent the evening together as a couple. I had planned the evening for a month. It was to help us reconnect.
She ended up shooting down almost all of my plans. Her stomach hurt, she doesn’t like going there or it’s a waste of money. Some was coincidence, like her stomach. The rest seemed to me a way to end the evening without any more discomfort.
I had started the evening in a very down way anyway. Her resistance to my plans did not help.
The night started awkward and went downhill from there.
She could tell I was unhappy. As we drove home I started crying her in.
My family hates me
I’m a failure
I don’t deserve you
Blah, blah, blah
We get home and go to bed. It was 8:30. Our conversation continued.
Why do you love me
How can you stand me
Blah, blah, blah
She sits there for a moment, thinks and finally delivers.
Stop it. Stop the self-pity. I love you and so do the kids. Let’s get some ice cream.
It was a lot more refined than that, but that’s pretty much what it was.
The problem is t solved but I’m not about to jump off a bridge either.
This all reminded me of a comedy bit I heard by Mike Birbiglia (one of my favorites). His girlfriend talks him down out of trouble all the time. Just like My Bride.
The part of the video that relates to me begins at about 1:33.