Asexual

I am a bitch.
Not only a bitch, but a whiny bitch.

My Bride tells me that general anesthesia really screws you up. In my case I’ve been a crying sack of over emotion for the last 4 days. I have been on serious over-alert on many things.

So I’m hoping this is my overinflated emotion fueled by that damn anesthesia talking.

I feel like a huge chunk of my soul has been ripped out. My Bride and I decided to a 30 day ban on sex not 24 hours ago. Yet I feel like I have said goodbye to an old friend and we shall never again meet.

My Bride feels a serious sense of security when sex is gone. There are no misunderstandings about what a touch or caress means. It’s strictly to show love and nothing more. She tells me she can get much closer to me during these times.

So What?
My Bride does not want sex. She is quite literally asexual right now. She has stated that she has no problem whatsoever if we never have sex again.

Here’s my worry:
If she is comfortable with never having sex again, what’s to say she accepts things as they are and never works to change the situation? What if she just says, ‘He was shitty to me for years, it’s my turn for comfort. I’m going to spend the rest of my life not having sex.’ What then?

When I think that type of thing I’m clearly being selfish. It could easily be said that she has every right to swear off sex. That it’s my fault she’s in this position and it’s just too damn bad for me. I realize I need to put her needs above mine. I want to serve her. I want her to be at total and complete comfort in our marriage. I’d kinda like to be comfortable too.

Does that make me a dick?

I know I’m being over-sensitive. I guess. I’m pretty sure I’m overreacting by epic proportions.

She deserves whatever she wants. I’ll give her whatever she wants. Killing sex off would be deserved. But I also know that sexual health affects mental health, so that’s a concern.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in emotion, Marriage Issues, Progress, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Asexual

  1. chipgruver says:

    I understand your worry that she will never want sex again, but I think it is a mistake to think of it that way. You are borrowing a lifetime of temptation and trying to face it today.

    When I read the language you are using to describe how life would be without sex, I see an idol that still lives. You cannot imagine living without your god. You question whether your marriage can survive without this god in your life. This is a wonderful opportunity to take sex from its position of god in your heart and bring it down to where it belongs.

    Imagine if sex were not a crushing and constant master, pushing you into positions where it is difficult to love your wife. What if sex became a wonderful servant? One you can bring in and dismiss as needed for loving your wife well. What if sex was simply a joy and not a burden?

    I’m not pretending this will be easy. I would have a hard time giving up sex for 30 days. Paul talked about giving up sex for “a time of prayer” so I think that would be good for you. In God, there is a joy that is more satisfying than sex and will give you the strength to love your wife without sex. I think if sex were your servant and not your master, your wife could feel much safer in letting your servant. Your master makes her do things she doesn’t want to. Your servant can come and go as it is helpful to her.

    You have grown so much. I think of this as the sort of problem a much more mature man deals with. You would never have been close to asking these questions just a few months ago. It is really, really encouraging to me to see you grow.

    -Chip

  2. You have spent so much time and energy over the past few days trying to figure out the future that might not be. I agree with the comment above, “what if sex was simply a joy and not a burden.” It sounds like you are letting fear rule you too. Playing the “what if” game will not allow you to be present if you are imagining future let-downs or negative situations. A big step in addressing your shame could be just expressing to your wife that you are sorry that you have caused her pain and let it be at that. Not expecting validation. Just accepting it for what it is and being present.

    Sorry to have been harsh or to have overstepped my bounds here and earlier. It is enlightening for me to read what it is like for addicts and I appreciate your insight.

    • MyJourney says:

      Funny how you mention me spending so much time and energy on what if. That’s one of the issues I focus on quite a lot.

      I have let myself get a bit out of control lately. Things had been going along nicely and I’ve let things slip in a big way. That’s something she and I spoke on last night.

      It seems I spent the first 2 months apologizing over and over. She responded very positively. On New Year’s Eve she forgave me. Things had been going along nicely and I lost focus this past week.

      Back to the grindstone.

      I apologized quite a lot last night. She told me I have already been forgiven and that I don’t need to apologize anymore. Message received.

      You did not overstep. In fact, your comment was the missing element that spurred us on.

      Thank you.

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