When I disclosed my sexual indiscretions and addictions there was an overwhelming flood of shame. For the first month after D-Day I was in a constant state of shame.
There have been many smaller floods of shame. I make a realization- shame. I obtain new information- shame. I discover a hurt I have caused- shame. It goes on and on.
I was shamed yesterday. I was BITCHING about my wife not putting out. The woman I serially cheated on, the woman who was diagnosed with PTSD because of my selfishness, the woman who selflessly stands by my side, the woman who supports me with out question- “Why won’t she do me!? It’s not fair!!”
It took a blog comment from a person I have never met to crystallize the issue in my mind. I have said, many times, that I will do whatever it takes to make this marriage work. So why is it that when I notice My Bride has a severe negative reaction when I mention sex, I bitch about her not giving it to me!? I fucking know about her diagnosis! I know sex is the trigger. I had been triggering her everyday for almost a week. ON PURPOSE!! And then I had the audacity to complain about it to her? You dick.
There was a bit of shame last night. When I realized what I had done I broke down. I BROKE DOWN and she comforted me! What the hell is that!?
“Hey, I know I’ve been stabbing you in the neck with raw emotion, but I feel bad about it and it makes me cry.”
“That’s ok, we’ll do better next time.”
I have stated, many times, what a special woman My Bride is. What I just wrote above is a prime example. She selflessly loves me and supports me even as I jam triggers down her throat. Most people would have killed me by now. She puts her arms around me, dries off my face and tells me it’s gonna be ok.
I sat here on my couch, recuperating from my surgery, and in walks My Bride. We chat for a bit and I randomly asked if her family knows anything about us. “My parents know about the sex addiction.”
“They knew about the computer thing and they know we’re in counseling. They’re not dumb. Plus you were very well versed in 12-step stuff at the hospital.”
I am willing to do anything to build this marriage anew. If that means I have to embrace some shame. Fine. It obviously means no sex for a long time. I’m not excited, but it’s fine.