Do Not Feed The Addicts

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Sobriety Day 82

I have entered a very difficult time. I would guess that from the viewpoint of a ‘healthy’ guy, my difficulty likely seems stupid and shallow.
Screw that guy
Set Up
I was sexually abused as a child
I was physically abused as a child
I was emotionally abused as a child
I was verbally abused as a child
I discovered porn at 12
I was addicted to porn by 13
I am a sex addict
I was unfaithful to My Bride
I have devastated my marriage

Should I mention the word sex, there is a very discernible change in atmosphere. She will look away from me and become silent. Mentioning sex guarantees our day will go downhill at a very quick rate.

In the past all aspects of our marriage was about me. Conversations were steered to focus on me. Every conversation, in one way or another, was eventually steered to sex. Every conversation had something sexual within it.

Sex was entirely about me. How can she get me off in new ways? How can she emulate the women in porn? How much can I get her to do? Those were actual thoughts I had. Those were all things I had acted upon.

I was a selfish bastard.

Current Times
We last made love on January. Since then My Bride has ‘helped my out’ 3-4 times. Yesterday I learned whenever we have sexual contact, she endures mental images of my encounters.

So 5 days ago I asked for sex and it was less-than well received. The normal attitude change occurred (it’s insane that I think her response will be different each time). I didn’t pursue further that night. However, the next morning I jumped right back into it. “I might be able to help you out tonight.” Ok, that’s cool.

Night came and she bailed out on me. My Bride bailing out on sexual contact is not an unusual occurrence. It happens quite frequently. This is not a complaint mind you. Four months ago it would have been a complaint. Now it’s an observation.

“I just can’t help you tonight. I hope that’s ok” is typically how it goes down. I almost always tell her it’s fine and it is almost always ok. She’s tired or physically/emotionally drained. I’m usually cool with it. When I’m not I tell her. Telling her I’m not on with it causes two main problems.
1. I’m obviously pissed/disappointed
2. She feels shitty about it

When I get pissed about sexual rejection Selfish Me is rearing his ugly head. Selfish Me is a dick. He needs to calm the hell down and learn about his wife. ‘You said you would help me’ or ‘I can’t believe you’re doing this again’ are common phrases. Very dickish.

When she rejects me she feels shitty about it. That was new information and I just learned it. I’m almost positive she’s shared it before, but I finally learned it a few days ago yesterday. She tells me she feels like a failure as a wife.

Think about that.
I cheated on my wife. I had been unfaithful for years and, at least subconsciously, she knew it. In the beginning the little knowledge she had was diminishing her interest in sex. She learned some pretty sick stuff 3 years ago. That discovery took her interest of sex to almost nothing. When she received full disclosure, her sex drive died. Today, with all she knows, all of the truly gross and twisted things I have done, she STILL feels that having sex with me is her wifely duty.

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Notice I said duty. I assume a healthy relationship would see both partners say they GET to have sex. For My Bride, sex is another chore that has to be done once in awhile. Not something she enjoys. When she reads this type of statement, she usually thinks I’m griping about her. In not. I’m griping FOR her. It breaks my heart that I have caused this to happen to her.

That’s a pretty tough place to be as a woman. She used to enjoy sex. She used to initiate sex when marriage was new. There was a time not 10 years ago where she just leaned over and blew me on the couch. When newlywed she was so into it one night she broke the bed.

Today sex is a chore to be avoided with dread.

Dude…
3 days ago I had a surgery. Before we left I asked for sex because I might die. We both knew it was a lame come-on. It super pusses her off too.

Yesterday we lay next to each other in bed. We were having a very happy time. She was looking me on the eye with a smile, touching me of her own accord. I was gently caressing her breast. I told her I was going to make love to her. That smile immediately went away. Looking me in the eye turned into turning her head from me. The touching of my back turned into her arms crossing. Why are you doing this? I was going to jack you off.”

I truly didn’t know I was crossing a line.

I held her in my arms. I apologized. Then I did something I frequently do, thinking aloud.
“You tell me you don’t know why you can’t have sex with me. I don’t think that’s true. We BOTH know you are disgusted with me. You don’t trust me and you don’t respect me. How can you have sex with someone like that? You just can’t do it. I couldn’t do it either.”

She spoke something I didn’t expect. “I’m not disgusted by you. It’s more of a…a…haunting.”

I’m very prone to reading information into statements that was not presented. I did that exact thing yesterday but I haven’t been corrected. That, in my mind, confirms my thoughts.
‘She didn’t say anything about trust and respect’ was flying through my mind.

I have said for a very long time that I don’t have her respect. It’s been a point of contention for some time. She would always disagree. We would go back and forth about it. She finally said that she respected some things about me. I, the black and white thinker, saw that as further confirmation that she doesn’t respect me. If you have to tell me you respect some things about me, you don’t truly respect me.

She didn’t correct me yesterday.
She didn’t correct me about trust.

When full disclosure happened, she told me she had a new level of trust and respect for me.

The previous levels must have been negative values. Apparently I took her levels of trust and respect UP to zero. I just don’t see any way that she could trust or respect me.

I could be wrong
I hope I’m wrong
That’s what’s on my mind though

New Chance
So here I sit today. As teachers we are both on spring break. She’s out shopping with her sisters and mother. I’m here alone recuperating from surgery.

I was horny at the end of last week. There’s a joke that says: Ladies, your horny man asks for sex at night and you turn him down. And when he wakes up…he’s horny-er.” Currently my horny level is off the charts.

So I have put sexual pressure on my wife for 6 days in a row now. I stupidly asked for ‘help’ this morning. I didn’t even get a ‘maybe tonight’ this time.

Until last December, there had NEVER been any time that I was home alone and did not use porn to get off. Never. If I came home sick I found some time between pukes to PMO (Porn Masturbate Orgasm). If she went shopping there was plenty of time for PMO. Home alone equaled PMO.

I’m sitting here in desperate straights. I’m incredibly horny with no tied in sight. I have told My Bride that I will honor her. I will do whatever it takes to earn her trust. I am also a sex-addict.

Meds Needed
Sex is my drug and I need a fix. Whenever I am hurting, I turn to porn. When I am depressed, I turn to porn. When I am ashamed, I turn to porn. When I am alone, I turn to porn. Whenever I am rejected, I turn to porn. When she says no, I turn to porn. I followed that cycle from 12 years old to last December. That’s over 20 years.

I have been sober for 82 days on a row. I promised My Bride I would earn her trust. I hate what I was. Hell, I hate what I am now. I am in a desperate situation right now. I have the time and opportunity and the base desire to feed my addiction. To cave-in, abandon my promise and crawl back to my shame. No one would ever know, except My Bride and I. She would know. She always knows. And I would know. It’s something I can no longer hide.

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No, I cannot bow to my cravings. I have come too far. She has said no for the last 2 months. She may tell me no for the next 2 months and I will have to force myself to stay on track allow God to take control.

Let go and let God is the 12 step saying. I hate those sayings but they are true. Damn it, I hate it when shit like that works.

Here’s to the next 3-4 hours in horny hell. At least I have pain meds to knock me out if it gets too bad 😉

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Prayers for strength and determination would be appreciated. Prayers for anything would be appreciated too.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues, Recovery, Sex, Sex Addiction and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to Do Not Feed The Addicts

  1. Praying for strength. I see huge growth in your being able to see her perspective.

  2. Maybe this will help. She sounds like she could use some counseling or a S-Anon group. But asking or expecting her to “help you out” is like asking her to rip out infected stitches in a wound; it is unfair, disrespectful, and incredibly painful.
    http://www.emotionalaffair.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Understanding-Your-Betrayed-Spouse.pdf

    • MyJourney says:

      She has been in therapy. Therapist says PTSD. That makes a-anon completely inappropriate. She does not have a co-addiction. She is a victim.

      I asked her to help out is because she said she would do so previously. We had to address sexuality and that’s what we came to.

      I absolutely see your point about re-injuring the wound. I can see how it can be seen as unfair and disrespectful. It very well may be. But that is something she and I will need to come to.

      If she comes to me and says a sexual contact is off the table I am totally cool with that. We have done that before. We got back to sex when she decided she wanted to do it too. She does want it every once and awhile.

    • MyJourney says:

      When My Bride came home from shopping I read your comment to her. It hit home. We discussed this at length.

      She did not find my asking for sex disrespectful. The rest of what you said was on point.

      We have decided to take sex completely off the table for the next 30 days. After that any sexual activity must be instigated by her. Our next marital session is next week and believe me, this stuff will be addressed.

      My Bride and I both thank you for your comments.

  3. chinaskie says:

    Just by writing about it, you’re working to recover. That’s great. Keep busy, keep refocusing, see if you can find ways to reassure and comfort yourself that aren’t sexual, and keep reaching out for support. One breath, one minute, one hour, one day at a time 🙂 You can do it!!

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