Sobriety Day 81
“Will you marry me again?”
I asked that of My Bride not 15 minutes ago.
“What? What do you mean? We’re already married.”
“We need to renew our vows.”
“I’m not sure this is something I’m ready for.”
I asked her what the problem was. She say for a long time looking away from me. She asked how we would do it. I would answer and she would look off again. I asked what the problem was. This repeated several times.
She was trying to avoid answering.
“What’s the problem?”
“I’m not ready to do that. I’m afraid of making myself vulnerable again. I’m afraid something’s going to happen and I’m going to get hurt again.”
We just uncovered a huge issue.
Today has been a day of discovery.
As we awoke this morning we embraced. We rubbed on each other and peck-kissed a few times. As we talked a caressed her and made my way to her breast. She tolerated it for a moment and became visibly uncomfortable with it. She swept her a up. I caressed elsewhere. When she moved her arm I returned to her breast.
Caressing continued for a minute. She was giving me one of my favorite things: Staring into my eyes as she smiled. The morning was starting perfectly. Intimacy. Smiles. Caressing. Perfect.
“I’m going to make love to you.”
Those 7 words steered the mood by 180 degrees. The smile was wiped away. She looked away from me. The snuggle ended immediately. Tension and discomfort filled the room like a cold fog covering a lonely night. There was no happiness. There was no closeness. Warmth ceased to exist. A deep chasm appeared between us.
She lay quietly next to me for a very long time.
“I can’t do that. I was going to jack you off. Maybe later tonight.”
I commenced a long monologue. The evening before I spoke to her on her efforts to improve intimacy. A look or a touch unexpectedly. Things she finds difficult and tremendously uncomfortable. I told her how proud I was of her efforts. That I appreciated and deeply respect her efforts.
This morning, I restated my pride and joy in her. “I know you’re doing everything possible to show intimacy. You’re speaking your language loud and clear and it’s awesome.”
She turned her head and looked away. I told her about the obvious mood change and I was now aware why it happens.
I spoke for a few moments. “This all makes sense to me now. How can you be physically intimate with me? It’s impossible to share intimacy with someone you’re disgusted with, don’t trust and don’t respect. Those are painfully obvious to me now.
She silently continued looking away.
I said a few more things when she finally spoke. “Why are you doing this? I was about to jack you off and you’re telling me how much I suck.”
I jumped in immediately.
“That was not a you suck statement. Far from it. I am so sorry it sounded that way. It’s just that I today understand what has been going on.”
“I don’t find you disgusting.”
***I noticed there was no dispute over trust and respect***
“It’s more of a haunting. When we begin sexual contact, I can’t get those images out of my head.”
As she spoke tears began flowing down my face. I had to speak slowly so I wouldn’t come rely break down.
I apologized for my actions.
I think I made it about 3 words end before I totally lost my composure. I apologized for destroying parts of her.
“You haven’t destroyed anything.”
“You don’t look at me in our bedroom. When we get in bed you roll over and face away. You get in your spot, pull out your phone and we barely speak. If I try to kiss you it seems you want to get it over as soon as possible. Hugs and embraces, when they happen, are very quickly ended. You display zero passion during physical interactions.”
I’m sorry about the passion. I don’t understand it. I can’t explain it.”
“I can. You’re disgusted, I mean haunted by my actions. You don’t trust me and you don’t respect me. There’s no real mystery here.”
Today has been a VERY enlightening day.
Quite awhile back she mentioned not wanting to be hurt again. I get it. That has got to be incredibly scary. Any time she discovered negative things about me I promised to change. I always broke my promise.
She shouldn’t trust me.
Herein lies our catch-22. She has no reason to trust me. To move on she has to trust me.
My Bride and I are far from improved. We have been saying how much we have improved since this all began.
That simply is not true.
She has built no trust.
There had been no respect gained.
She is every bit as frightened to make herself vulnerable as she was at the beginning.
This is incredibly crushing. I thought we had progressed. There had been several sexual encounters. Today she reminded me we haven’t made love for 2 months. Our relationship seemed to be humming right along. It wasn’t. Today I learned we are just existing. We are meandering through life with no direction. We haven’t progressed at all. In fact, I’m beginning to think we’ve actually regressed.
I’m not sure how to proceed. It’s clear I lack any ability to read relational situations. I have no clue how to read My Bride. I ain’t got no skillz.
We HAVE to get better. We are still just friends with occasional benefits.