Stay Out Of The Way

We had a long talk last night about sex. Any time I have ever asked her why she won’t have sex with me the answer is generally along the lines of, “I don’t want to” or some variation. Last night, we took a step further. I think.

I had told her early last week of my desire to make sweet love with her sometime during the week. There was no resistance. She had even smiled in a coy, ‘That sounds nice’ kind of way. Friday night I told her that it would be nice if we could make love before my surgery Monday. Resistance showed up in a major way. I told her we needed to talk about it.

Early afternoon found us discussing sex. There was nothing new said.
I want to have sex.
I don’t want to have sex.
Why not?
I just don’t want to.

Further down the road I was able to tell her how sex has changed for me. It’s an emotional, spiritual connection now. It used to be about me getting off. Sex has a totally different purpose now.

It doesn’t matter.
She doesn’t want it.

Why do you diddle me then?
Because I love you.
What?
I do it because I love you. I want to give you what you need. I’m trying to serve you.
What’s the difference?
There’s a lot more involved in sex.

Earlier she had told me she doesn’t understand what I mean when I speak of emotional and spiritual connection. She said sex is just an activity to make each other feel good.

Our discussion came down to this:
• Sex is dirty and bad- this was learned during our marriage.
• Sex is to be avoided because she does not trust me.
• She doesn’t understand intimacy.
• She doesn’t know what intimacy is.
• There’s a huge difference between jerking me off and spreading her legs.
• She doesn’t understand my belief on spiritual/emotional connection during sex.
• Sex brings too much of an emotional connection for her to be able to trust me(Yes, we see the paradox too).

It all boils down to trust. Everything we have been doing has been leading us to this. Healing our trust. That’s poor terminology. She hadn’t trusted me in more than 20 years. Creating trust is more like it.

I still don’t understand how you’re ok with diddling me but not making love.
It’s too much of a connection.
How do we build the connection?
I don’t know.
How can we build intimacy? If I try to caress you I’m pushed away. If I kiss you you move your head. If I get near you I’m told to move.
I think I’ve been alone for so long it’s hard for me to let someone in.

Intimacy is impossible in our relationship right now.

I crave intimacy.
I literally beg for it.
Touch is my love language.
She refuses to speak my language.
The changes I am making have zero value if we cannot build upon them.
I am beyond frustrated.
I don’t have a partner.
I have been trying to be her partner for the first time ever.
There is no response.
I have returned to my hopelessness.
We are not really married anymore.
We are friends with occasional benefits.
We have become intimately incompatible.
I have severe doubts as to our future.
I don’t think this is an issue with a viable solution.
I have created a nightmare for her and me.
I made the situation and I get to reap what I have sown.
I am responsible for all of this.
I am despondent.

Having the knowledge you have destroyed something beautiful is burdensome.

Our therapist speaks about what a special couple we are and what an incredible influence we can have on others.

I don’t see it.

I see two people that have made tremendous personal gains. I see a marriage that might have improved marginally.

We have the exact issues as we started with. Those issues have seen no improvement.

‘Give it some time’ I’m told.
6 months after we began there is zero change. How much time does it take for SOMETHING to change?
Any type of movement would be great.

‘Do you not see the improvement?’
I see she has made improvements.
I see she has made great efforts and has been and is working hard.
All of the improvements have been on an individual basis though.

‘Are you just giving up?’
No, I’m stating I have hurts.
I’m stating my fears.
I’m stating I gave doubts.

I don’t think it to be unusual to have fears, hurts and doubts.
I DO think some people would read this and assume I have given up and will not work further.
THAT is not true.

I am married to an incredibly special woman who has seen fit to stand by me though I betrayed her in the most personal of ways. My Bride is a brilliant woman. She is witty and caring. She is beautiful. God has blessed her with abilities to touch people. She has no idea how special she is; everyone else sees it.

I can not and will not walk away from her. To have been blessed by God to have her in my life, walking away would be the biggest mistake a man could make. I already screwed up by betraying her. I’m not screwing up again.

I’m here to fight for our marriage.

I am often want to say things on my mind that should stay inside.
This blog being a perfect example. Most everything above is me blowing off steam. I should most likely not even publish this type of post. I’m doing it anyway.
Why?

Writing is a tremendous tool for me to process my inner-workings. My Bride reads everything I write. Writing is a great way for me to express what I’m thinking.

Many times it’s too much. I tend to think out loud and I also think through my writing. Much like I talk my way through thoughts, I write my way as well.

One could (easily?) see that I move from one emotion to another and one thought process to another through my writings. I would think it would be obvious when I become passionate in my writing. I get on a roll and the paragraphs become extended or the thoughts speed up.

The problem with thinking or writing through things in this manner: My Bride reads these and tries to go through my thought process.
“You really think…” is not an unheard of question. I can easily go through seriously caustic thoughts and attitudes. I eventually get to a place of decency. I think.

My Bride is a beautiful woman. She is also incredibly pretty. I am not such a fool as to let my fears and doubts get in the way of our success. I need to stay out of the way and let God do his work. As we say in our group, Don’t give up before your miracle happens.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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