Sobriety Day 75
“Sometime this weekend I’d like to be physically intimate with you.”
I made that statement last night as we went to bed. Apparently it was a bad idea.
Our marriage counseling resumed this last week. Our therapist asked what we thought our issues were.
• Conflict Resolution
• Sex and Intimacy
She then asked what the biggest issue was. I do NOT know how this happened but we both said conflict resolution. We both know damn well it’s sex and intimacy. So the therapist said, “So are we agreed to put sex on the back burner?”
What the fuck was I thinking!? I know what she was thinking, “Awesome, I get to put sex off longer.”
SIDE NOTE: That is likely untrue, but for my mind, right now, it’s perfectly reasonable and true.
Based on our past couple of months, I thought things had dramatically improved. We had made love several times and she had fiddled me even more. I’ve even written about it on this here blog (poor grammar purposely used).
I have a surgery scheduled this coming Monday which will take me out of action at least 4-5 days. We haven’t been intimate at all, or even close to it, for 3 weeks due to illnesses. I figured this would be a good time. Heck, last Sunday as we had laid down to bed I had told her I wanted to be physically intimate with her sometime during the week. There was a big smile on her face.
ALL SYSTEMS GO, BABY!!
Based on her reaction and our previous months history, I KNEW we would be making sweet love this last week. However, we saw each other about a combined 90 minutes at home last week. Phhhhhhht!
There we were, laying in bed. Time to make some kind of move. It won’t pay off tonight, but maybe tomorrow or Sunday. “Sometime this weekend I’d like to be physically intimate with you.” She turned to look at me and said, “I thought we agreed to put sex on the back burner for now.”
We Need To Talk
My heart stopped. My hopes had been destroyed. Not only were we not going to be making love, it appeared it would be a long-ass time before we would be doing it. I mentioned that putting it on the back burner referred to the therapy portion and not the actual act of doing it. “I thought it meant not doing it.” Yeah, ummm, we need to talk about this.
I Don’t Want To Fight
We were sitting in our traditional couch places this morning. That means nowhere near each other. She had a headache and wanted to lay down. I had been waiting on a good time to talk. It had to be now. As she was walking away I asked her to talk. Why? We aren’t going to accomplish anything.”
That’s very likely true.
I told her what I was thinking.
I need to be with her. I don’t have a physical need for her now. It has become an emotional and spiritual need now.
“I don’t want to do it. I have no desire. I have helped you out because I love you. I want to be your best-friend, live you and be intimate with you. I just don’t want to be physical.”
Those words are crushing to me. The entire time she spoke tears were rolling down my face.
She walked away.
She went and laid down in bed. A few minutes later I followed. We didn’t say anything. I almost did but I didn’t want the tears to return. I could feel my eyes welling up and I was getting my traditional boo-hoo feeling. I turned over. She turned over.
I began to write.
No Tears? Ha!
As I was lying next to her I did what I do best under these circumstances. I wrote. I find it best that I write down my feelings instead of saying them. I don’tget sidetracked by random thoughts or questions and I can edit my words to make them as clear as I can. I
quickly wrote my thoughts as an email. It took way longer than usual. I had an unusually large amount of tears streaming down my face.
My email boils down to this:
I love you, need you and want you. I have a spiritual need to be one with you. You have zero desire to be physical with me. Currently my deepest desire is for my wants and needs to be reciprocated.
I have been making outrageously huge changes in my life. Those changes are supposed to be for me. They aren’t. I am trying really hard for her. I want to be who and what she needs me to be. I have an insatiably large desire to meet her needs.
I never thought I was asking too much. I just want to FEEL wanted.
Words can do only so much. Actions carry quite a lot more weight with me. I physically need to feel wanted.
I am in a massive state of want and desire. I am incomplete. My Bride has zero desire for me. Our physicality only exists out of her sense of duty.
I am not wanted.
I am physically alone.