Out Of Body

Sobriety Day 74

Things are going pretty well in our marriage. We had our first counseling session this week and no one got pissed, hurt or offended. My Bride sailed through very well; I’m very proud of her. I, on the other hand, was close to losing it a couple of times.

We were discussing our fights/arguments. We NEVER fought when we dated. There was 1 dust up a few months before the wedding but that was it. In 21 years, through some incredibly tough times, we just don’t fight often.

Therapist asked how fights get started. My Bride said something to the effect of we strongly disagree on something, both think we are completely correct and will not back down. I butted in and blurted out that our fights are a direct result of my mental state. That is a true statement over 90% of the time. I must say it was nice that she didn’t argue over that. We both know it’s true.

As I recall, quite a bit of the session revolved around me. Of course, everything I’m involved in revolves around me, so there’s that. A couple of times I almost lost it.

ISSUES
I’ve been having some work issues (I’m a teacher). Another teacher gave me some serious sh!t that morning, in front of kids. My instinct was to chase her down and have a come to Jesus meeting.
I resisted.
Instead, bided my time.
I saw her after school right next to my room. I strolled up and said, “You’re an asshole for saying that shit in front of kids.” I walked away. If I had stayed, I would have been late to my meeting with The Good Doctor.

Therapy II
We hadn’t met for several weeks so I needed to catch him up to life. I told him we had started marriage therapy again. I kinda went through the session highlights.

As per usual he asked what I wanted to work on. “Anger, it seems I have what can only be called blinding anger sometimes.”

I explained that we were told to take a time out when we noticed things were getting nasty. The only problem, I don’t realize when that is. When Angry Guy shows up, he takes over. I truly don’t realize I’ve let him take over until it’s too late. It’s like an our-of-body experience. That’s what my big fights with My Bride are like and it’s what my entire day was like when the asshole came after me. The entire school day. Almost a rage.

I see my anger issues as the number one stumbling block in my life. This affects me with my family, relationships, spiritual walk and professionally. I have a very long and checkered record of letting Angry Guy take over and cock things up for me.

Hey, Watch This
Whenever I encounter a negative situation, it’s almost as if my mind splits into hundreds of participants. “You should say…”
“No, dumbass, you should say…”
“Yeah, say that and you’ll look like a bigger douche than you do now. Say this!”
Whomever wins that internal fight asks them all to watch his beer and check this out.
“Dudes, check this out. We’re gonna laugh about this for days Ooolomfgfccgh!”20140314-194446.jpg
I’m pretty sure this all stems from a shitty upbringing. I hate writing that. I’m tired of thinking of those times.

I’m ready for action.
I want to have a healthy life.
I want to be whole for my family.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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