Do Nothing

Sobriety Day 56

To each situation there is a lesson. Something needs to be learned or we are destined to repeat the lesson until it has been completed. A racetrack of education, if you will. I seem to be taking lap after lap. For whatever reason, I am unable to learn this lesson.
{Another lap please}

Touchy, Touchy
I am what be called a touchy-feely kind of guy. If I am communicating with you I am compelled to touch you in some manner. A touch to the arm, a pat on the back or a hand to the shoulder. Always handshaking with men and often with women. My Bride…not so much.

As we were dating we couldn’t keep our hands off one another. There was ALWAYS an arm placed around the other, arms intertwined or hand-holding. Always. Early married life was exactly the same. When together we were always physically connected. I would have been hard pressed to think of a time we weren’t connected.

When My Bride initially discovered my porn problem, some connectivity was lost. We spent significant time physically connected, but not as before. Then came another discovery. Less contact followed. Another and another and another. We are now to a point where it is easier to think of the times we are in connected.

If I disrespect enough, it’s fairly reasonable to assume you won’t desire much contact with me. Should I take your ego, trust, love and pride; conveniently set them aside to fit my needs, I’m certain you wouldn’t want any contact.
It is easy and reasonable to accept that rejection cognitively. Emotional acceptance is quite different. My rejection of My Bride’s faith, trust and love could only bring about immeasurable pain and rejection. She has every right to experience negative thoughts and feelings toward me. I understand why this has happened.
Surprise! I’m floored she doesn’t want to be with me.

Emotional Spin
I want to snuggle her at night. “Hey, can we have happy snuggle time?”
(It sounds dumb. Don’t judge me.)
“I guess, for a minute. What are you expecting out of this?”
“I’m expecting snuggles, a little caressing and that’s it.”
:::puts arm on her back and rubs:::
“Don’t rub me, just keep still.”
“I wish you wanted to snuggle me.”
:::minutes later:::
“It’s not you.”

That was our interaction tonight as she was passing out. It’s pretty typical. Remember, things used to be different.
:::begin downward spiral:::
It was after our prayers I mentioned wanting to snuggle. “It’s not you.” THAT is hard to comprehend. She snuggles our kids anytime they’re near. She even snuggles our dog.
“I just wish that in bed…” I stopped short.

Not Tonight, Headache
She’s whacked out on her migraine medication. Right now any attempt at conversation is pointless and would only be damaging. Better to wait for later.

I was going to tell her my desire to feel physically loved. Like hugs might happen or at the very least physical contact. Unless it’s really cold, “Please move over, I don’t want to be touched” is her response to snuggle attempts.

I would like to believe kissing was possible. I would like to think we might make love and it not be a random surprise. Her migraine condition is the ultimate ‘Not tonight dear, I have a headache.’ I think sexuality is a sizable factor in her condition.
Anytime I try to initiate sexuality, that picture is what we usually look like. She retreats within herself and is silent. When silence begins, I am exquisitely aware of my error. I feel like a jerk because I asked for sex. She feels bad about rejecting me. I feel bad for making her feel bad. She feels like a failure as a wife.

I do NOT think she’s a failure as a wife. Quite the opposite. I just wish sexuality was important to her. “I want to want to have sex” has been said several times. But so has, “I don’t really care if I have sex ever again.” So there’s that.

So what am I to think?
What am I to do?
How do I experience sexuality if My Bride doesn’t care to?

Those questions have been asked several times before. “I don’t know” is always the answer. It’s a freaking tough-ass question too. What’s she supposed to say? ‘I think you need a fuck buddy’ ain’t on my list.
The default answer is: Do Nothing And Gut It Out. That’s less-than-ideal.
{Another lap please}

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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