Sober, Stress, Improving

Sobriety Day 55

20140220-194235.jpg“I think things just go better if we don’t talk about stuff.”
-My Bride

Well, yeah. Of course things are better when we ignore them. Out of sight, out of mind.

THIS IS NOT A WE NEED COUNSELING BITCH SESSION Everyone involved is exquisitely aware of our counseling needs. I am often want to spew forth unfiltered opinions from the creaky old door that is my mouth. That is not the case here.

I think things are a bit different right now. Sometime within the past week My Bride stated that her therapist has been hinting at marriage counseling and would I be opposed to seeing her as our therapist again.

I am completely in favor of this. Two major reasons.
1. She knows us
2. We hit the ground running

She knows us because we had seen her starting last September. It was mid-November that My Bride decided her biggest need was personal counseling before anything as a couple could be addressed. She used our therapist for the exact reasons I want to. Familiarity and expediency.

Since she had counseled us for a little over a month, at the very least, she has a concept of our relationship’s dynamics. Additionally she has intimate knowledge of my wife’s situation. We won’t have to spend 3-4 sessions just getting to know each other.

I truly see one issue with resuming our therapy with her. It also happens to be one of the positives. She has intimate knowledge of my wife’s issues. One could argue the therapist might possibly enter our renewed counseling biased in favor of My Bride. However, none of our interactions or dealings with her would lead me to believe that would happen.

Over the past month, My Bride has been experiencing daily migraines. The morning goes as we as can be expected and right after lunch, Megladon sits atop her head as a Velociraptor gnaws on her neck. It isn’t a pretty sight. Doctor’s diagnosis: chronic tension headaches with migraine propensity and anemia.

“I don’t understand, I’m not stressed about anything.”Her doctor said it’s a classic symptom to have the headaches fire up after the stressors have passed. I, being the talented and brilliant physician I am, believe very strongly that our marriage is the big stressor. It’s a no-brainer likely not true.

My Bride told her doctor, “I don’t really have much to be stressed about. Grad school is over, his med issues are settled, the kids are stable and our marriage is great.” At the risk of sounding like an enormous prick, our marriage is NOT great.

We still have enormous issues as a couple. I’m still selfish, she still doesn’t want to have sex, we hurt each other’s feelings with the greatest of ease and I promise she has severe trust issues with me. That might scratch the surface.

I AM NOT SAYING OUR MARRIAGE SUCKS! I’m not even griping. I am expressing thoughts and opinions. I am saying we have a ton of issues that need to be worked through. I am saying I think we’ve been pushing our shared difficulties in favor of addressing our individual issues. There’s more than enough to be stressed over. I’m certainly not complaining. I am incredibly happy with the absurd progress we’ve made in the past 5-6 months.

My blog buddy and apparent clone of my wife’s mind, Chip, frequently let’s me know know that mine/our progress is crazy. 4 months ago I couldn’t imagine going even a week sans getting off, and that would lead to hours of porn surfing and eventually taking care of business (TCB). Now I’m looking at 60 days rapidly approaching. Unheard of in my life before.

Recently, around every 10-12 days we make love or diddle each other. Annnnd while I obviously enjoy the action and think to myself how I like what’s happening, I spend most of my time thinking “Is she enjoying this? Is there more I can do? I wonder if she’d line it if I did this. Oh, she liked that, keep that filed away for later.” I’m at least trying to provide her with the satisfaction experience that only I can provide.

The sheer fact she will hook me up in the DAYTIME is incredible. She’s willing to look at me. Previously it was always at night, no lights on and “I’m cold” kept her covered up. I wonder if that was to keep me from seeing her or her from seeing me. I wonder if she thought about me or was it more like, ‘god I’d wish he’d hurry and finish so I can sleep.’ Ladies and gentlemen, that was the part of me called The Analyzer. He’s kind of a schmuck.

Back to stressors. They exist and are very real. BUT, I have confidence in us. God HAS and IS doing a work in our marriage. Months ago I had accepted our fate. The issues were too many and too big. There was no trust but plenty of anger, animosity, resentment and hurt. We were through. I KNEW we had no chance. We were spending money on counseling but it was throwing good money down a bad hole. My Bride might have had similar thoughts. I dunno.

We are getting better. We are a long way from completion.


About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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