Uncertainty, A Piece Of Me

Sobriety Day 53

The past few days have been very nice. My Bride and I have been having some seriously good times together. We even monkeyed around yesterday afternoon. Things had gone so well, i got lazy and I let slip a few bad habits.

An innuendo here and there was all I did. As we climbed into bed, My Bride said, “Hey, I don’t want to have sex tonight” (It must have been VERY obvious I had been planning on ending our evening with some sweet lovin’). “Please don’t be mad” came immediately after. I told her that I wasn’t mad, which was true. I kept it to myself I was disappointed. “I guess it’s going to take me awhile to get used to you not being mad.” we hung out for a bit, chatted a little, I said our prayers and that was it.

My Bride and I are teachers. I was off for the “Holiday” and she had a work day in her classroom since the students were out. Here’s where things went south. Last night I asked if she wanted to do lunch today. “No, I’m going with the girls.” Ok, that’s no problem. I totally get that and think it’s cool. I called her with an emergency, to me, and I just happened to ask where she had gone. “We just sat down at PF Changs.” We finished our chat and hung up.

We are currently ass-broke. We have $60 to our name until Thursday. When we get to times like this we spend on only necessities. After we hung up, I thought for a minute and processed our conversation. “We just say down at PF Changs” went through my mind. I was a bit angry. Here I am, hoarding my portion of the money for only emergency and there she is eating at a relatively nice place (nice for is since we only have $60).

I was presented with a quandary. Do I voice my displeasure or do I let it go? There are pros and cons each way. I’m in charge of our finances, I need to tell her I think this is an extravagance. If I don’t voice my objections, I feel that I’m being run over. I don’t want to end up as Walter Middy. I do have a bit of an ego still.

What to do…

I voiced my objections. Since she was with friends, I sent a text. “Hey I’m not exactly fired up that you’re spending that much money on lunch” was all it said. Nothing that I felt was attacking or negative at all. She texted back saying she told me about it yesterday (true) and she had set this money aside earlier. We went back and forth a bit and I was totally fine with what she had said.

That was just about the only interaction we had all day until she got home. The rest were little things here and there.

Our evening was spent with her saying about 5 words. “I’m just not in a chatty mood.” A little later I asked what was wrong. “Nothing” which is a pretty typical female answer as the stereotype goes. A bit later I ask again. Same result. “It’s just that you seem really down tonight.” “I am down and I don’t know why.”

Uncertain Guy comes strolling in. He doesn’t know what’s going on. Did I make the right decision to voice my concern? Were my innuendos too much yesterday? Am I putting pressure on her to be sexual with me? This is one of the guys my wife does not want around. He usually (almost always) hangs around with The Analyzer. If those two are around she wants to be far from me. Those guys ask A LOT of questions. I don’t think their curiosity and need for information has ever been satisfied. It is apparently a big strain.

So here I sit tonight. She’s sitting across the room watching our show, The Following (I’ve watched 10 minutes over 3 shows), and I’m writing this post on my phone. I’m incredibly uncertain, thus the name, of what’s going on or where things may possibly lead next.

I HATE uncertainty.

********************************

I have been trying really hard to be the spiritual leader of our family. So far that means praying for our family every most every night.

I had asked my father-in-law, whom I look up to very much, how to be that leader. After about a month we finally had a talk about it. “Lifting your wife up in prayer, wether she knows it or not, is the single biggest thing you can do. It’s far more effective if she knows, but it still works if she doesn’t.”

I like that. I can take a baby step like that. It’s just that he also said she should be lifting me up as well. It would be very nice to hear her pray for me. In over 20 years of marriage, I am only aware of a few times that she prayed for me. I would like that to change. I would like us to pray for each other every day.

Here’s where Uncertain Guy shows up again. Should I have brought this up? Is she going to be hurt by this?

I have no clue. I hate uncertainty. The guy is a part of me, that is not changing. As The Good Doctor says, I have to get to know him, let him know he’s welcome and loved and then let him know he doesn’t need to try and run things. I’m in charge now and he’s free to hang out and just chill.

I need to be making friends with these guys.

Advertisements

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
This entry was posted in Marriage Issues and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

One Response to Uncertainty, A Piece Of Me

  1. chinaskie says:

    I can relate to Uncertainty Guy. In my marriage I felt questions and needs come up but I often felt paralyzed when it came to expressing myself for fear of being misunderstood or judged. Good for you for identifying and giving a persona to the issue. I’m not a person who prays, but I wonder…what if you reframed what you wanted to ask of your wife? If it is true that having her pray for you would make you feel cared for, why not express that to her – with love? Good luck with whatever you choose to do. 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s