The Analyzer

I had mentioned in my previous post that I would be addressing the many different selves I am made of. As they make themselves available, I will give them voice.

The Analyzer is around today. This guy takes in as much information as is available and attempts to make sense of it. Many times he is lacking portions of details. Accordingly, he is left with no choice but to use his intellect in filling the gaps. Filling gaps himself leads to writing his own reality.

Many of my previous posts were written by this guy. A bit of info here, a nugget there and a hint from over yonder and we have us a dandy of an assumption. It has enough to be plausible, maybe even a ton of truth to it, but it’s either out of context or runs way askew of what the other party intended. When truth is remotely consistent with the analysis, it generally takes several days (weeks, months and sometimes years) to come to grips with actual reality. A fairly recent post presents this exact situation.

Where does this take me? All over the map. I am oft want to jump to colossal conclusions. “Oh, you thought I was a dick just then? Why don’t you and your friends go talk shit about me and fuck off!” Here’s a good one from my recent past: “Oh, so you’re going off to ‘work in quiet’ at your office? How many people are you gonna screw tonight!?” Another recent jump: “Who are all these people in your contact list? You don’t know!? Really!? Who’s Carl?”

On that last one, My Bride finally reached her limit and fired this beautiful retort: “Why, do you think I’m fucking him!?” She can really hit you in the face with a lead pipe of hurt when you piss her off enough. I love that woman 🙂

Recently I have been having some health problems. I take 2 pills for blood pressure, 3 pills for mental state, 1 pill for my enlarged prostate and 2 pills for gout. I take 8 pills a day to keep me going. 8!!!!! Whenever I have a gout attack, I add another 3 pills. Tonight after I prayed for our family, I mentioned that, in light of my health problems, we need to get a few things in order.

My Bride is truly an incredible woman. She has a heart of gold, outrageous patience, wants nothing but the best for others and is scary smart. We all know one of these people and they are the BEST to be around. They also tend to have their head on the clouds about certain things; they are simply incapable of taking information and jumping directly to negativity. This was My Bride tonight. “Hey, I’ve been having a lot of health issues of late. I think we need to get some things in motion and put some plans in place.” She comes back with, “Like what? What do you mean?” (she was totally clueless. God bless her!)
“Funeral arrangements and life insurance. I’m not going to live anywhere near as your grandparents.”
(They’re in their mid-late 80’s.)

“Oh, stop it. I understand, but can we…can we do this later?”

The point of all that? I’ve taken information and jumped to a conclusion (I think I’m pretty damned accurate on this one, however).

This can apply to any situation though. The kid had a fender-bender? Financial Ruin.
We bounced a check? I’m a failure at running our finances.
I had a great idea at school? I am a pedagogical genius!
***That last one is true by the way***

I use little information, infer much and make grandiose assumptions. Then I make decisions based on my assumptions. Like a great chess master, I plan 3-4 steps ahead in the game. I made an assumption. You’re going to say/do X, I’ll do Y and Z happens. Most of the time it either gets me into massive trouble (fights at home) or kicks my ass into depression.

This guy is a part of me. He needs to be shown love and respect. I do NOT want to be rid of him. He DOES have a place on my life. He just needs to be given a few rules to work with. He doesn’t have to run my mind anymore. I am taking that back over. I’m giving him a new job with benefits, sick leave and time to play. I’d like him to take a couple of weeks off, have a few drinks, see a few movies, maybe get laid a couple of times and report back refreshed and ready for his new assignment.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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