Sunday evening was our first time to seriously argue for quite some time. We continued on Monday and it drug into Tuesday. Wednesday through Friday afternoon were really good. And by really good I mean from my point of view things were great. My Bride, come to find out, did not share my view.
Friday night found My Bride and I at home. The kids were all out and, being the human equivalent of ground hogs, we always stay in. This evening was no different.
As we ate our delightful pizza, I asked how she felt. “Weary” was not what I expected. I asked why that was. “I’m not over our argument yet. It’s taking longer than usual this time.” She went on to tell me that she cannot bounce back quickly, like I can (I’m bi-polar) after we fight. Come find out, she had been dwelling on our fight since it had “ended” on Tuesday.
Wednesday morning I had sent her an email. This is not unusual. After a fight, like clockwork, I send her a “I apologize and I suck” message. Since I can express my feelings through text more efficiently, this is a very common occurrence. She told me how she appreciated the message.
There we sit, eating our pizza. She had just told me of her weariness from our fight. That was when it resumed. I informed her, for the 900,319th time, of my position. How I didn’t appreciate what she had said, how I felt lied to and how neither of us trusts the other. To say she wore a frustrated look would be an understatement.
Our fight followed us to the bedroom. I was becoming a bit aggressive apparently. She often tells me that she wants some space. She also says that I keep pushing her away. I didn’t and still don’t know what she means.
At this point, I have to provide a significant piece of info. I was an abused child. My father would hit us, yell at us, demean us and put us down. My mother seemed to enjoy telling me that I wasn’t good enough. They both told me that I wasn’t very smart. Those things have had a stranglehold on me my entire life.
When I flunked out of college, my parent’s pronouncement a were simply confirmed. They knew I was intellectually inferior and they let me know it again. I had proven them correct. The rest of my undergraduate program was a severe struggle for me.
As a result of my youth, to this day, I do not believe that I’m very intelligent. I don’t believe I am good enough for anything. I’m incredibly fortunate to have somehow tricked My Bride into marrying me and further tricked her into staying with me after my disclosure. I feel that I am grossly under qualified for my job. I’m a fraud and it’s only a matter of time before I’m found out and run off. One could say I have a touch of low self-esteem.
I discovered that I am my father. I argue far beyond the point of necessity. I must destroy your argument. I am mean and cruel when I do t get my way. I found out that I denigrate and belittle My Bride during arguments. I am very dismissive of her point of view. I seem to be looming for anything in which I can attack My Bride. She’s attacking me, I must strike back. I also discovered that I’m trying to demonstrate my superior intelligence during our arguments. I am the diet version of my father. Same dick tendencies, none of the violence. I have become what I hate.
Friday night our argument lasted well past 1AM. My Bride says that feels like she has to argue with me like she’s preparing a doctoral thesis. I will parse and pick at every little statement. It’s exhausting for me, I can’t imagine her side of it.
We started up again this morning. For about an hour we went back and forth. Several times I contradicted myself from things said easier this week. That is a major issue. What guy is going to show up each day? What’s his viewpoint today. I’m far from indecisive. I believe that is a symptom of bi-polar.
What ended up happening is I found out that her issues are none of my business. I push her way to hard for answers and information. Interrogation would probably be a good way to describe the way I go after her. She informed me that she has no desire for any closeness when these things happen.
This argument was me telling her I don’t trust her. I told her many times that she lies to me. I brought up our first sexual encounter in October. This was 10 days after she told me she doesn’t like sex. I was in extremely bad shape. The previous weekend saw me attempt suicide 3 times. I was distraught with the knowledge that My Bride has absolutely no physical desire for me.
We had been driving about. I had told her how I was feeling. It was apparently very pathetic. When we got home she disappeared into our bedroom. A few minutes later, she called me into our bedroom. She stood at the door, naked. I melted into a puddle of tears.
After we had made love I asked her if this was intimacy. She told me to stop asking questions. I did as she asked. For the next week I asked her, repeatedly, if we had been intimate. “Yes” was her constant reply. Soon after we went to our next marriage counseling session. We were asked how things were going. I informed her that we had made love. “Oh, how did that come about?” “He was in such bad shape, I had to give him sex. I thought I was going to lose him.” I was devastated. I blurted out that this was the first I was hearing of that information. “You told me that you wanted to do it, that we were being intimate. Now I find out it was duty sex?”
The rest of the session went ok, I guess. I brought the new info up on our way home. “How could you do that to me?” was my immediate question. She then told me that it was intimacy. She did want to do it. “But you left out the part about wanting to do it to pull me out of my funk.
The 2 or 3 times we had made love since I asked her each time if it was true intimacy. She always said yes. Then, the day after Thanksgiving, she told me the encounter we had just had was just “hooking” me up. There was no intimacy. She was doing me a favor. That’s NOT what she had said when I asked her about it. Mistrust was creeping in.
My attempt at 90 days of abstinence came next. We blew that up in early January. I KNEW it was intimacy. The next time was as well. I was in intimacy heaven.
Saturday night came about. I told her I thought she had lied to me. “I have never lied to you.” I brought up the marriage counseling event. You told me we had been intimate. Come to find out, it was duty sex. It was then the hammer fell. “Every time we have sex it’s duty sex. Sometimes it turns into intimacy. That’s what happened that night.”
I was hurt really bad by that statement. “Every time we have sex it’s duty sex” was not expected. I knew of a few times of it being her duty. I was completely unaware that it’s ALWAYS her fulfilling her wifely duty.
Knowing your wife has zero physical desire for you is devastating. I’m not sure there can be anything more painful for me. I was bitch-slapped with that knowledge last night. I cannot believe I didn’t cry. My reaction apparently wasn’t very good.
I am fully aware that I have heaped mind-boggling amounts of pain upon My Bride. There is no debate on that fact. However, I have never experienced this type of pain before. I was abused mentally and physically by my parents. I was sexually molested by another family member as a child. NONE of those things hurt me as bad as knowing she has no desire for me. That she has to MAKE herself have sex with me. THAT is emasculating. Nothing strips away your pride and manhood more than knowing you create zero sexual desire in your mate. Knowing she would be perfectly happy if we never made love again. It crushes me as a man. The only function I serve is as protector and breadwinner. I don’t do either of those particularly well, which makes things even worse.
I love My Bride more than life itself. I would, seriously, rather die than be without her. She tells me she loves me too. She must. I have given her every reason to leave me. By my side she remains.
My Bride tells me that she wants to want to be sexual again. I want to believe that. She asks me to stand by her side and support her as she battles through her issues. She has and is doing that for me. Common courtesy says I must do it. Marital love demands I do this for her. I know that God commands me to do this for her. I would be lying if I said this was no problem. It is problematic. But it is precisely because it’s problematic that I must do this. My actions brought this upon her. Therefore my actions will help her out of it.
I think my lost manhood will return. Eventually. I hope. I’m pretty sure we both have the same goal: To have a whole marriage. My desire above that is to be an example for others and to help guide other couples through this same mess.
Hoping for the best as I commit to standing by her side.