Friday night I looked through My Bride’s text messages. I have a deep-seated belief that anyone I am close to thinks and or says very bad things about me. I wanted to see if she had been saying anything shitty about me. I went all the way back to January 2013. There was nothing. In fact, she and my sister had a very sweet conversation about me. That brought me to tears. I told her about it. I was very nervous doing so. I feared she would be very upset about my snooping. That didn’t happen. I was able to tell her about my fear. “After seeing nothing bad in there, I am now able to believe everything you have ever said.” She was even happy that I had snooped. What follows details how that joyous and hopeful discovery were destroyed.
Last night brought another argument. This may have been the worst argument I have ever had in my life. I was talking about needing to feel loved and needed. “I need you to speak my love language.” “I’m trying as hard as I can.” “Any time I want to speak my language, I have to initiate it.” “Maybe that’s how it has to be right now.”
Argue, argue, argue…
I frequently give the impression that I don’t think she is working very hard on issues. She goes to therapy once a week and as far as I know that’s it. She told me that she does a lot of thinking. OK, I get it. We don’t work the same way. She tells me, any time we argue about stuff, that “Nothing I do is good enough.” I understand how she gets that as well.
I want things moving and I want them moving quickly. I want my language spoken. She says she is doing her best. OK, time to back that stuff off then.
Our argument progressed. She mentioned that she is working hard on her stuff. “What are you working on?” I thought it was an innocent enough question. It was not. That question opened a flood gate.
“I think all men are pigs. Men will do or say anything so they can get laid and get off. OK!? There, I told you!”
Ah…Something just clicked. Are our boys pigs? Are your father and grandfather pigs? She told me that our boys are not pigs. After a few words I began talking about obviously the only pig around was me. “Our sons aren’t pigs, your dad and grandfather aren’t either.” “I didn’t say anything about them.”
THAT was very puzzling. I set it to the side for a bit.
I mentioned that it’s crystal clear, now, why she cannot be intimate with me. I’m a pig. Why doesn’t she initiate kisses, hugs or snuggles? I’m a pig. Why do my compliments and affirmations trouble her? I’m a pig, I’m saying those things so I can get laid (I’m not).
Eventually she asked me to stop so we could sleep.
This morning rolled around. I was about to leave and strolled into our room so I could tell goodbye and see if she would kiss me (I’m not going to initiate again). Instead of ‘Hey, I’ll see you tonight’ I was attacked. “You only hear what you want to hear. I told you I was proud of you when you told me about your month sober. We hugged for a long time.” “OK.” I did an about face and went to work.
We had a pretty tough text conversation. I kept asking her to tell me if her dad and granddad were pigs. “They’re men” was all she would say. I asked again and again. Same answer. Text became to difficult, she called me. I was smacked down.
“Hello.” :::::CUE MAD WIFE:::::
She tore me up. “Part of my recovery is not calling anyone specific a pig. I’m trying to change this mindset.”
It went on very aggressively for several moments. I was eventually allowed to talk. I tried to plead my case that I don’t do things to get laid. I do them because I love her.
This is a big fucking deal.
She refuses to say that I’M the only pig. Her sons aren’t. Here dad and granddad aren’t. The only other guy I’m aware of in her life is her boss. The thing is, none of those guys would say things to get laid with her. I am obviously the only pig here.
Her denying that is straight up insulting and disrespectful.
Here is my take on the situation now:
- Any interaction with me is incredibly difficult. My actions and decisions have seen to that.
- Her attempts at intimacy are something she has to make herself do (Her words).
- Forcing herself into intimacy with me puts her into a really tough situation.
- She has zero respect for me in most of the areas that truly matter in our married life.
- She has zero trust in me.
- She has contempt for me.
- She has kept an enormous piece of information from me.
- Our marriage simply cannot be any kind of priority. One cannot build an intimate relationship with someone they have contempt for.
- We will be broken for a very, very long time.
- My fear about people thinking/saying bad things about me, back with a vengeance. My Bride thinks I’m a pig. She apparently hasn’t talked about it (besides with her therapist) but she sure as hell thinks of me in very negative terms. Fear confirmed.
- I am alone.
She has many times spoken about not knowing why she has difficulty being intimate/sexual with me. That is officially bullshit. I’m a pig. There isn’t much doubt as to why she can’t do it.
This brings me to another thought. When our journey first began I had been complaining about her denying intimacy. Do I smell? Am I gross? Do I disgust you? “No.” I accepted that and moved on. I no longer accept that. I truly believe, deeeeeeeeep inside me, that she is disgusted with me. I’m a pig. Who wants to be with a pig?
I guess she does when it suits her. She gets horny, it’s on. I feel a bit used now that I know her opinion of me. We have done a 180. She had felt objectified and used by me. Now I feel objectified and used. When she gets the urge, I’m ready willing and able. I’m not very excited about that.
Here’s where I am right now. I am totally and completely alone. My greatest fear has been realized. I am terrified of being abandoned. She has zero desire to be with me. She has to force herself to be intimate. That’s less than comforting. So her viewpoint of me has opened up a major wound. She does not want to be near me. She does not desire kisses or hugs. She does not desire me at all. I am now alone.
The one person on earth that I thought had my back and would love me through thick and thin is disgusted by me. Not since I was being beaten by my father have I felt so small.
During my drive home I kept trying to call her. 3 calls and a few texts. I finally texted her to ask why she was ignoring me.She called a few moments later. She was at some class she had apparently told me about. I told her that I didn’t remember. “Well now you know.” That was a pretty clear sign that our conversation was over. I hung up and commenced a full-blown cry fest. Snot bubbles, boo-hoo’s and everything. That cry turned into a MAJOR panic attack. I became fearful that I would have a wreck. I was dizzy and had to save myself from crashing several times. When I arrived at the house, I fell down a couple of times on the way in.
She always says that she loves me deeply. That we are soul mates. She also said that she has had the pig thought-process for a very long time. If she thinks I’m a pig, is disgusted by me and has to FORCE herself to be intimate with me, why the hell are we together? How can she, in good conscious, stay in the same house as me? How can she kiss me? How can she make love with me? How can she look at me and not physically show utter contempt? Everything she said makes me think that I am a horrible human. She has even said there are times she would much rather quit working. “This may NEVER change.”
She says she is working hard to get over the pig mind-set. “I have never worked on anything harder in my life.” I truly believe her when she says that. I now know that she is busting her ass here. I don’t know why. If I’m a pig and I disgust her, how can she have any desire to put ANY effort into changing her mind-set about me? Why would she do that?
I care for and love My Bride more than anything or anyone on earth. The thought of life without her is unbearable. A tear came to my eye just writing that line. I would do ANYTHING to have her desire me again.
That is something in which I have zero input. All I can do is be the best man I can be. Everything else is in her mind.
I know this post will likely be seen as a major and negative overreaction to our conversations. These are my thoughts. These are my emotions. I write this stuff as a therapeutic device. I do not believe that my statement absolves me of any shitty things I say. This was meant as the release of massive pain and frustration. I believe, right now, everything above. It’s entirely possible that changes. I pray it does.