Desolate And Hollow

SOBRIETY 1 MONTH

Sex-Addiction is an asshole. Sometimes it’s easy, sometimes it’s the most difficult thing in the world. Oddly enough, today has been incredibly difficult.

My Bride and I had a bit of a spat last night. Miscommunication again. What’s important to me isn’t important to her. That causes more than a little tension as well.

I would really, really like to make love with My Bride. Not happening. That’s fine I guess. I’m ok with standing by waiting on the bench. Whenever she’s ready, I’ll most likely be ready as well.

She cannot bring herself to be sexually intimate with me over 99% of the available times. I realize she has issues to work through. I have no clue what those issues are and she is COMPLETELY unwilling to discuss it with me.

What can I do? What can I say? What can I change?
Nothing.

“You just need to give me time and space.”

This is that place where I find myself flying blind. I thrive on information and My Bride simply will not provide it. It’s too personal to share. She has no problem sharing her personal issues with her therapist (totally fine). She has every problem sharing them with me. It hurts. A lot.

Way back when she began therapy I had bemoaned this lack of sharing (I don’t want her session details btw. I just want to know what’s going on). My Bride is supposed to share these personal things with me. I am not allowed that benefit anymore. It hurts. A lot.

Make no mistake, I know WHY this situation exists. That doesn’t make it hurt any less.

I frequently tell My Bride that I want us to be able to say anything at any time to each other. I think had said she wanted that as well. It’s not happening.

I want her to be able to come to me with her problems, hopes and fears.

I don’t enjoy that capacity anymore. I might have had it before. I sure as hell don’t have it now.

Sobriety leaves me empty inside. My coping mechanism is gone. The constant companion that has weighed down my psyche and soul for so many decades is now fighting me even harder. My insubstantial role as a husband leaves me even more internally hollow. My Bride has no use for me most of the time. Our lack of physical intimacy has left me downright desolate.

Every action has a consequence. I hate what life has become.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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One Response to Desolate And Hollow

  1. chipgruver says:

    Martin,

    Hang in there. One day you will look back to today. You will describe these difficult days to some young fool who is playing with sex and porn. You’ll say something like this.

    “Look, you can be an asshole like me. You can pretend this won’t hurt those you love. But it will. You can’t hide from it. Sure, you’ll have dark times, but be patient. That’s the only way to the other side. Hey! Pay attention! This stuff will take make you into a real dick. It will make you unable to love your wife well. Don’t screw with it.”

    Wow, you will have gained a lot of wisdom through your suffering. When you say that, you will be a wise man who that young punk should listen to.

    -Chip

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