Last night started quite well. “The kids are all gone, let’s go to dinner” said My Bride.
We enjoyed a nice dinner, watched a movie at home and went to bed. And then it went to hell.
“I have a concern. Since we had sex the other day, I feel like it is now expected. Everything was so good before. Now I feel pressured.”
We talked a bit over this. She went on to say that she thinks we made a colossal mistake by giving in and “Having Sex.” It’s funny, I used to refer to our lovemaking as “Having Sex.” Now I refer to it as “Making Love” and she refers to it as “Having Sex.” I digress… She went on to say that, if we had waited the full 90 days everything would have turned out ok, but that since we only went halfway, it’s totally messed up.
Cut to this morning. We resumed our conversation. The take away is:
- Sex is dirty
- Sex is bad
- Sex is shameful
- Sex is dangerous
About a month ago I began pushing for marriage counseling. I got into major trouble for daring to do this. On December 31, my latest therapy session, The Good Doctor mentioned there were a couple of “Partner Groups” forming. These are group therapy sessions for the spouses of sex addicts. I sent the info to My Bride and she said she would go to the one starting in February. Now she says she doesn’t want to go, that instead she would rather go to some doctor her therapist recommends for drug/hormone treatments. She had previously told her therapist that she was going to go to the group. Accordingly, they cut their therapy sessions to every other week.
So I asked, since you’re going to the doctor instead of group and your therapy is cut in half, why don’t we start marriage counseling.
Nope. She is still unwilling.
“I am incredibly uncomfortable talking about my sex life with a third-party.”
Never mind that she talks about it with her therapist…
:::Cut to Tonight:::
The discussion continues.
Here’s what it came down to: I think she is doing the bare minimum in working on our marriage. Counseling once a week and thinking about it is not much effort. I am going to counseling, stupid SA meetings, a church group and Celebrate Recovery. I feel that I am putting a LOT of effort into this.
I think she is blowing this off. She says I’m a jerk for that.
I am doing a hell of a lot. She goes to a counselor once a week.
“Just because you’re FINALLY ready to fix things doesn’t mean I need to be on your time-table. Back off!” That’s her goo to line on this stuff.
I will not back off. I want things working. I want things fixed. I WILL NOT apologize for that. I do not think this s a bad thing. I want it fixed as soon as possible. That is NOT a bad thing. My Bride even agrees with that.
The conversation went back to sex.
“I am really only horny every 3 months or so. What do you want?” “I want to have sex on a regular basis. We had sex in September and November and about 10 days ago. You said you were horny then.” “I had sex for you then. The other day was when I was horny.”
Bomb just fucking dropped.
In September she told me she was incredibly horny. A few weeks later, in our marriage therapy, she tells the therapist that she did it just for me. That I was in such a depressed state that she had to do it or she thought I was a goner. I was, understandably, shocked. I mentioned that she had lied to me about it. “No didn’t. I WANTED to have sex with you.” Then tonight she says, “I did it for you.” I called her on it. She told me that she WAS horny. Am I the only one that’s a little confused?
We “Had Sex” twice in November. I was led to believe that she was, again, horny. Then a week later I find out the second time was just her “Hooking Me Up.” Fine. But she told me she was horny. Tonight- she was “doing it for me.” Again, am I the only one confused here?
Then we “made love” the first day or two in January. She says she “was horny” then. I believed her. I don’t believe her anymore. After what she said tonight, I can no longer trust her.
I mentioned this to her during a very contentious phone call (she was traveling to pick our child up). “I have never lied to you.”
What the fuck do you call these story changes on our previous sexual encounters? You can’t just go and EDIT the content and expect me to accept it like that. Words have fucking meanings.
“I can’t explain it.”
She tells me about how hard it is for her to trust me. I get that. How am I supposed to trust her when she says all of these things?
“I’m scared to death of trusting you. I don’t want to get hurt again.” I get that too. I also understand that this is a time thing. Allegedly, time will heal that wound.
She tells me that she will only have sex when she is horny. I have told her that I’m fine with that and I truly am. But I eventually expect us to have sex on a regular basis. Often. A lot.
“What if that never happens?”
That is a deal breaker.
I expect to have a whole marriage. I will give her all of me. I expect the same in return. That includes frequent sexual relations. We are commanded to that in the Bible.
Firing the Bible at her doesn’t do much by the way. She doesn’t like it at all. I wonder if it’s because of my lack of Biblical knowledge? Could it be that she knows that I’m right about this and she is incredibly uncomfortable or maybe guilt ridden by that?
She has said, many times, “I want to want to have sex. I want to be normal.” But when a treatment presents itself, she won’t accept it.
I want marriage counseling. I want it now. Our marriage has not stopped. We have enormous issues that are going unaddressed. We have to live in the same house. We have the same children. We share everything. We are IGNORING the health of our marriage because she is uncomfortable with treatment.
Time to jump into the deep end. I HATE going to meetings. I HATE talking to those people. I am unbelievably uncomfortable in that situation. I have no problem talking about issues, my discomfort comes from the fact that the group members are, for the most part, dullards.
For My Bride to tell me that she is not ready for counseling, that she is uncomfortable with XYZ, that says to me that I am not important to her and our marriage is not important enough to her to experience a bit of unease. Am I wrong? Maybe. Am I going to back off? No way.
I will not rest until this marriage is on solid ground. I don’t care who gets pissed off about it.