I’m sitting in my latest Celebrate Recovery service. For those that have never been it works like this. There’s a 45 minute dinner (I never go; I don’t know anyone), hour service with signing with either a lesson or a testimony (rotates each week) and THEN the actual support group. It’s a 3 hour ordeal should you desire to attend the entire event.
Here’s the part I don’t understand: there’s roughly 150 people at this thing. It appears to me that every bit of 90% of these people are bona fide zealots.
These people all jump up when the singing begins. Hands in the air (I go to that type of church, no problem there), ladies rocking back and forth with eyes closed doing the chick thing and, when the end comes up, shouting with clapping and cheers.
Here’s my trouble: I’m less than a spiritual zealot. I think I’d be cool with it if I actually believed this stuff. But I don’t. I WANT to believe, but I simply cannot wrap my mind around spirituality. I try want to, but my mind gets in the way.
A when back I wrote about a spiritual experience I had. I answered an altar call. I was seriously moved at church. All those who answered the call were led to a prayer room. I sat as all others were spoken to and prayed with. I was ignored. When there was about 3 others left and the people running things were cleaning up, then I was seen. And then the lady who saw my asked another guy to “take care” of me. I encountered, what I think, the biblical Pharo did. Moses presented God’s demands and “Pharo’s heart was hardened.” I went from a very tender and vulnerable state to actually feeling my heart turn against God. When the guy finally “took care” of me, I was less than polite. I had asked My Bride to come in. She said I was a bit of an ass to him. Whatever.
The next week I shot an email off to every pastor I could find an address for. One of them called and spine to me for a bit. We emailed back and forth, had a couple of phone conversations and I asked for a mentor. We were supposed to speak today. He called during a class and asked me to call back. I did with no results. I understand he’s probably very busy, but it would be nice to actually talk to the guy.
I really and truly want to deal with my spiritual issues. I want to be able to accept the concept of God’s love and acceptance for me. My wife says I’m to cerebral to talk with just anyone, that my intellect won’t allow it. I don’t know about the intellect thing. I do know that I can very easily take over a conversation and completely bully the other party in the conversation. Not in a nasty or asshole way, more of a I will challenge you way. If I sense a weakness in your statements, I will pounce. I will then jump on every little point, parse it to, sometimes, ridiculous levels. When I do this at home, My Bride is not very happy. She puts it as, “Whenever we disagree, it feels like I have to prepare a doctoral thesis to speak with you.” it’s like that. Being a guy that would like to go ahead and get his doctorate, that’s a good thing annnnd a really bad thing. Jeebus, what would it be like if I actually did get it? Holy crap, I might be impossible.
So I’m really hoping this mentor thing goes somewhere. I know The Good Doctor can hang with me (I hope that doesn’t sound arrogant). He has his doctorate. For whatever reason, I give a lot of respect and deference to those that have a lot of education. Maybe that’s why I can’t stand that SA group. With the exception of my “sponsor” and the professor (who attends every third meeting, the test are a french fry short of a happy meal. Not what one would call great conversationalists. Call it snooty or stuck up or even elitist. It is what it is.
::Back to tonight::
I understand this thing is called Celebrate Recovery. That kind of explains the whole clapping, cheering and carrying on. But I don’t get it.
I’ve been sober now for 21 days. I find that really cool. There have been some REALLY close calls. I made it though. I think my previous record was 27 days. That beyotch will be mine. I will shatter that sunofabitch. But what’s to celebrate? That’s what I’m freaking supposed to do. Do the right thing, there’s no reason to celebrate that.
Is God part of my recovery? I don’t know. Probably (?). I think He might be. I hope He is. I know that I intermittently pray with my wife. I know that she intermittently reads a couples devotional with me. I intermittently read my Bible. But I sure don’t feel like I have any interaction with God. I don’t feel any grace from God. I don’t feel any pull from God. In fact, I feel even more list and confused know.
So where does this leave me? How do I proceed? What’s my next step? Is this all there is? I simply do not understand. I don’t know what to do or where to go.
Anyone have any freaking clues here?