I got a nice, solid kick to the testes a bit ago. My Bride, who is out shopping with the girls, called me up. “You know, this is the first time I’ve missed you in a long time.” She followed that up immediately with, “I probably shouldn’t have said that.”
It hurt. It hurt quite a bit. But I understand what she means. For a long time she didn’t miss me. I have been the primary (only?) source of pain for so many years. Who would miss that person? You’d be a damn fool to miss them.
I realized 3 things. First- She did not say that to harm me in any way. In fact, I’m pretty sure she realized that it probably hurt me. That’s why she said she shouldn’t have said it. But she did say it. I will not be hanging on to this. At all. The only reason I’m writing about it is to dump it from my mind. Second- I was an incredibly negative drag on her for her to say something like that. That will be changing. Third- I’m pretty sure she was saying out of love. “I miss you” is not said out of spite. Bonus realization- She was being honest. Sometimes honesty can hurt a bit, but it’s always the best thing to pass along (I realize there are some select times where being honest is not the best thing. Roll with it.)
I was struck by a double-edged sword this evening. Sometimes we have to lay the wound completely open before it can heal. I think this is part of the healing process. She has forgiven me for my transgressions. Now she has to work out what that means for her and for us. She also has to work out the emotions that come along for the ride. I’m actually pretty fired up that she said it as I think on it further.
She misses me. That’s a damn sight better than her not missing me. Anything else and we’re missing the joy.