It Shows And It Makes A Difference

I slept with My Bride last night. We had a brief conversation about this and that, Did our devotional, said our prayer and within 5 minutes, she was dead to the world. Snoring. As per usual I found a lame documentary to watch on Youtube. As I watched, I was overcome with temptation. ‘Pull up some porn…nobody will no. You’ve failed so many times already, one more time won’t hurt anything.” I was about to succumb to temptation. I looked at, of all things, bulldog pictures on Instagram. We have a bulldog and just love everything about them. I was able to replace one temptation with my love of bulldogs. Pretty cool.

This morning was a bit odd. We woke up together (weird in and of itself) and had a chat. She kissed me. I’m going to say that again. SHE KISSED ME! Just the day before she had discussed her inability to show me affection and today she’s kissing me. Unlike previous times, I savored every moment. A few moments later, I find my face buried between her breasts (over her shirt). Never before have I felt more comfortable in my life. I told her that I felt oddly safe and didn’t know why. “I know why. You have an attachment disorder and this is the safest place for a baby. I won’t be your mom, but I will be your safe place.”

:::Cue the tears:::

I sobbed, like a baby, with my face between her boobs. It was the weirdest thing. I was indescribably sad, happy and safe all at the same time. As I cried, she stroked my head and that made me cry even more.

My Bride was not just showing affection. She was sharing an intimate moment. THIS was a special moment for me.

Church should have been a special time for me today. As I walked in, My Bride sent me a text thanking me for not pushing her to go with me. There was an alter call immediately after praise and worship. All of the things the pastor was saying was perfect for me. Just 2 weeks ago I would have been taking a trip to the front of the church. But I was abandoned in the prayer room the last time I put myself out there. As people streamed to the front, there was easily more than 20, over and over my mind kept saying, “I will never put myself in that position again.” Instead of being moved toward Christ, I actually took another step away.

The sermon should have been special to me. The pastor was addressing those with mental health issues. The first thing he said was that for years, the church has tried to brush those people to the side. That they were too messed up to deal with. “That’s ending right now. I want you to know that you are not alone and you are not a freak. God has a plan for your life that includes peace of mind and victory.” Just 2 weeks ago that would have very likely sent me into sobs. I thought it was a really nice thing to say, but it didn’t really grab me by the heart strings.

The entire sermon was fabulous. He hit all of my issues. He pushed all of my buttons. Come to find out, my response machine is broken. EVERYTHING that happened at that service should have melted my heart. From the songs to the alter call to the sermon to the other altar call. Everything said were things that have either troubled me or are things I’m currently struggling with.

Zip. Zilch. Nada. Nothing.

There was an complete and total absence of emotion. I got up and walked out. As I was driving away, I texted My Bride to tell her about it. She was feeling a little under the weather so she watched from home. “Dang. It was on the money for you too.” She said that I’m obviously damaged goods. “Give it some time. Time heals all wounds.” I thought that was kind of an interesting observation coming from her since she’s dealing with a time heals all wounds situation herself.

This afternoon saw me giving affection to My Bride. I had sat myself next to her on the couch. After  chatting for a bit, she put her legs across my lap. Almost immediately I started in on a foot massage. “I really should have lotion for this.” She told me she just got some for Christmas and was gone in a flash to get it. I spent the next hour giving a foot and leg massage. “You know what this is? Non-sexual contact. Here I am with my legs spread wide apart and you’re right there. I’m not worried in the least about it either.” Being the fool I am, I mentioned that I would love to turn it sexual, but I wouldn’t. Since I had a goofy smile on my face, she could tell I was docking around. Thank goodness.

We bought groceries and had a good time doing it. She put the groceries away as I cleaned the kitchen and had a good time doing it. I must admit that I pushed the boundary a little too far. I came up behind her and kissed on her neck. After a few seconds she said that it was enough. That translates to Yellow Light. We were both very cool about it but it happened. It kind of sucks too. I had been thinking about doing it all day but kept telling myself that things were going well, don’t screw it up by pushing too hard. I pushed too hard. I don’t think any damage was done but I know I shouldn’t have done it.

So things have gone pretty well today. I think some trust and respect were built today. Not a lot, but enough that even I can realize it. I shared intimacy with her this morning, I didn’t push her to do something she didn’t want to do, I gave her the foot massage (non-sexual touch) and we had great conversation all day. One of her texts from this morning says it perfectly.

“…I think it shows we are trying. It shows, and it makes a difference.”

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to It Shows And It Makes A Difference

  1. chipgruver says:

    Back from my hermitage and I found a verse that made me think of you. I was reading in the psalms and Psalm 107 says this:

    17 Some were fools through their sinful ways,
    and because of their iniquities suffered affliction;
    18 they loathed any kind of food,
    and they drew near to the gates of death.
    19 Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,
    and he delivered them from their distress.
    20 He sent out his word and healed them,
    and delivered them from their destruction.
    21 Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love,
    for his wondrous works to the children of man!
    22 And let them offer sacrifices of thanksgiving,
    and tell of his deeds in songs of joy!

    This is your story. You are the one who can go on and “tell of his deeds”.

    I prayed for your every day this weekend and it was so good to come back and see that it has gone well for you.

    About your Sunday, don’t overthink it. Just because the sermon should have hit your buttons, it didn’t. That is enough to know. To assume you are permanently broken because of one Sunday, nonsense. Whatever didn’t click for you will never be known. Be thankful that God has helped you be faithful for one more day.

    That is quite a miracle on its own.

    -Chip

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