The Confusing Emotional Burrito

I had myself sleep on the couch last night. My Bride went to bed pretty early so I took the opportunity to visit the gym. It was my first visit at the place so I wanted to have a look at the offerings. After a relatively brief workout I came home and showered. Since I wasn’t even remotely tired I decided to chill out and do some computer work I’ve put off. 10PM soon turned into 2AM. I was keenly aware that she finds it very difficult to take part in affectionate activities. Adding that knowledge to the fact that I am one of the touchiest people on the planet, I found it necessary to sleep by myself. I don’t want to bug her.

When I awoke, at the cram of 11AM, she asked why I slept on the couch. After I told her she informed me that, “You can show affection to me, it’s me showing affection to you that bothers me.” And we have just multiplied my confusion by a factor of 10. So I can show her affection but she can’t show it back. That makes zero sense to me. If I go into a situation with the foreknowledge of, no matter what I do, affection will not be given to me (from my wife), I’m going to have a very uncomfortable time ahead of me. I’m going to give the affection, but I’m going to be injured when it isn’t returned. That’s might be something that upsets or confuses her, but that’s the way I feel. I have always been an affectionate guy and I thrive on its return.

So there I was, standing in my kitchen speaking with My Bride. We had just discussed puppies or cleaning something or another. We both started to walk into the next room when she turned around, grabbed me and gave me a very nice hug. I was shocked. I immediately grabbed her and returned the hug with vigor. I buried my head on her shoulder and soaked it in. And then it happened. She turned her head toward me, placed her lips on my neck (no kiss) and said, “I love you.”

Done. I was a goner. I kinda lost it a bit and started crying. “Why are you crying?” I told her that I was happy, and that was true. Our hug lasted for several glorious minutes and I was sad to find it ending. I dried my face and went back to my dishes. A few minutes later she came over to me. I added to my explanation about why I was crying. I told her that never have I experienced so much joy and absolute devastation at the same time. She smiled at me and told me to just go with it.

Confusion hath been ratcheted again. Joy, bliss. sadness and pain all rolled into one confusing emotional burrito. What can possibly happen next? I’m kind of excited and terrified to find out.

 

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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One Response to The Confusing Emotional Burrito

  1. chipgruver says:

    I think you need to be careful with how much you are describing your confusion. It could communicate (and I think you sometimes mean) that your wife is irrational. That she is somehow broken that you have this difficulty understanding her.

    i think she is quite rational.

    She has moments where she wants something and moments where she doesn’t. She has desires and hopes and fears that come and go and she doesn’t fully understand them. She can’t give you a clear and concise reason for all of them because she doesn’t fully understand herself. Even when she does understand, these are hard things to put into words.

    Finally, even when she finds the words, you are so eager to analyze the words for every iota of meaning that she has to be careful what words she uses to describe her feelings. If she uses the wrong word (or even the right one), it may lead to an hour long search for the deeper meaning.

    So take her words at face value. If she says she loves you, then she loves you. If she says she won’t leave you, then she won’t leave you. If she says she likes you to hold her, then she likes you to hold her. If she says red light, then stop.

    Don’t press her too hard for an explanation. Feelings aren’t that clean and crisp. They are mysterious even when we understand them well.

    How about being happy she won’t leave you. That’s something to be really happy about.

    -Chip

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