I had myself sleep on the couch last night. My Bride went to bed pretty early so I took the opportunity to visit the gym. It was my first visit at the place so I wanted to have a look at the offerings. After a relatively brief workout I came home and showered. Since I wasn’t even remotely tired I decided to chill out and do some computer work I’ve put off. 10PM soon turned into 2AM. I was keenly aware that she finds it very difficult to take part in affectionate activities. Adding that knowledge to the fact that I am one of the touchiest people on the planet, I found it necessary to sleep by myself. I don’t want to bug her.
When I awoke, at the cram of 11AM, she asked why I slept on the couch. After I told her she informed me that, “You can show affection to me, it’s me showing affection to you that bothers me.” And we have just multiplied my confusion by a factor of 10. So I can show her affection but she can’t show it back. That makes zero sense to me. If I go into a situation with the foreknowledge of, no matter what I do, affection will not be given to me (from my wife), I’m going to have a very uncomfortable time ahead of me. I’m going to give the affection, but I’m going to be injured when it isn’t returned. That’s might be something that upsets or confuses her, but that’s the way I feel. I have always been an affectionate guy and I thrive on its return.
So there I was, standing in my kitchen speaking with My Bride. We had just discussed puppies or cleaning something or another. We both started to walk into the next room when she turned around, grabbed me and gave me a very nice hug. I was shocked. I immediately grabbed her and returned the hug with vigor. I buried my head on her shoulder and soaked it in. And then it happened. She turned her head toward me, placed her lips on my neck (no kiss) and said, “I love you.”
Done. I was a goner. I kinda lost it a bit and started crying. “Why are you crying?” I told her that I was happy, and that was true. Our hug lasted for several glorious minutes and I was sad to find it ending. I dried my face and went back to my dishes. A few minutes later she came over to me. I added to my explanation about why I was crying. I told her that never have I experienced so much joy and absolute devastation at the same time. She smiled at me and told me to just go with it.
Confusion hath been ratcheted again. Joy, bliss. sadness and pain all rolled into one confusing emotional burrito. What can possibly happen next? I’m kind of excited and terrified to find out.