Last night My Bride and I discuss the day. During which time we discussed my depression. She says that she has depression, has lived with it her entire life, has dealt with her parent’s depression and has developed defenses to protect her from the depression of others. She goes on to state that she can talk herself out of depression and will distance herself from anyone experiencing depression so she doesn’t get sucked into it.
I’m incredibly impressed. But she still doesn’t get it.
My Bride can think and/or talk herself out of depression. I am not that mentally gifted. I am incapable of thinking on the things that make me happy or the things that I am blessed with. I understand that they exist, but I am unable to recognize them as things that can/should cheer me up. When I’m depressed, there is no cheering me up. Anyone that can evade depression in any way cannot relate to me in this arena.
Our discussion of depression ended very abruptly. She got up off of the couch and walked away. There was no statement of completion or anything like, “I’m going to bed now…” She just got up and left. I followed to the bedroom. Our discussion resumed. Christmas day she snuggled up to me at my parent’s house, held my hand, stroked my arm and back. The day after Christmas was spent at her parent’s house. She held my hand, stroked my back and rubbed on my arm. As we went to bed that night I asked, “How are you doing?” “Fine, I guess.” I pressed on, “How are we doing?” “Ok, I guess.”
We discussed our relationship, I was bemoaning the fact that we are very distant now. She spoke about not being able to get close; she isn’t ready. I asked her why she was able to show affection earlier. “I don’t know. It just kind of happens.” I went on about not being able to understand. “How is it you can show affection during one part of the day and not the other?” “We just have to work through things as a married couple.” “A couple that doesn’t show affection.”
Bad move, jackass. She didn’t respond. As she lay there in silence, I realized that I had just messed up in a big way. I apologized. I told her that what I said was what was on my mind, but it wasn’t fair for me to say it and I should have kept it to myself. She then informed me that I was making her feel like SHE was the one in trouble. That she isn’t the one that caused all of this and she shouldn’t be made to feel like the bad guy.
I agree. It was a dickish thing to say. So I came back with another gem.
“I was afraid this was going to happen. You have become openly hostile to me.”
“I am mad and hurt by what you did last week. If you want to call it pissed off, mad or openly hostile…call it whatever you choose. But there is no way I can show you affection right now.”
Honesty. Finally honesty.
When I asked how we were doing, I was asking for a reason. I wanted to know how we were doing. It wasn’t a pleasantry. I was looking for information. I wanted to know how she was handling my behavior from last week. So when she tells me that we are, “Ok, I guess,” I think things are improving at a really good clip.
They aren’t. She made that crystal clear when she told me of her anger and hurt. “I don’t know if I can ever trust you again. I’m not sure that you won’t ever do that to me again.”
So it’s true. All trust and respect has been destroyed. I had told her that earlier this week. She said that was how I thought things were. When I asked her to refute it, she wouldn’t. I brought it up to the Good Doctor in our session this week. “Oh, yeah. It’s definitely gone. That’s how trust works.” When I told her, she finally agreed that it was dead. But I wasn’t for certain until last night. Confirmation has arrived.
I asked her why, if she is so mad and hurt, can she show me affection at some times and reject me at others. “Sometimes I do things that I don’t want because it’s a nice thing to do.” “Right now, when you do that, it leads me to believe we are getting better. We obviously aren’t. This is a very confusing situation. It isn’t fair to me for you to do things you don’t want because they’re nice.” She comes back with, “We can at least be civil with each other.”
Civil. We are at the point of our relationship where we can only be civil with each other. that’s a fucking kick in the stomach. Yes, I caused these troubles. Yes, I caused the pain in her life. But civil? That’s not even being nice. Civility is just not being an asshole to each other. Such is our marriage now.
A few moments later, she said, “I wanted to do it.” What!? I don’t know what that means anymore. After she informed me of her distaste for sex, I was in a MAJOR depression. It was incredibly bad. One day she calls me into our room and greets me at the door naked. That has never before happened. We made love. It was beautiful. Later, I asked her why she did it. She said a few things and finally ended with, “I wanted to do it.” After my disclosure we had a honeymoon week. We made love a few more times. “I wanted to do it.” A week later, the honeymoon was clearly over. We
made love had sex. The next week, when I found out she was giving me duty sex, I asked why she did it. “I wanted to do it.”
So what does that mean? Does ‘I wanted to do it’ mean she does it out of duty? Does it mean she does otto shut me the hell up? Does she do it as a favor? Does she actually want to do it? I don’t know. I have no clue.
Earlier today I brought up the civility thing again. She told me that, since all the trust and respect in our marriage has been destroyed, we have to start somewhere. Civility is where we get to start.
I suppose that’s true. But I also think that if those two things have been destroyed, there is, in my mind, little hope for them to be restored. THIS is a topic that pisses her off. But it’s on my mind. I have questions about trust ever returning to our marriage again. It was bashed and beaten and crushed during the previous things I had done. Now all involved agree that it’s gone. I find it difficult to believe that trust and respect can ever return.
She will say that I am her soul mate. That she loves me and will never leave me. Healthy or not, my entire world revolves around her. I cannot imagine life without her. But, if trust cannot be regained, it doesn’t matter. If a relationship does not have a foundation built upon trust, that relationship is doomed. My greatest fear, irrational or not, is that her ability to trust me is too far gone to be recovered. That, I fear, is what has happened. I pray that I’m wrong.
I’ll say one thing though. I’ll be damned if I go down without a fight. My Bride is what I live for. She is the reason I get out of bed everyday. To make her proud is my desire. To make her happy is my desire. To make her know that she is the only thing on earth that keeps me going each day is my desire. To make her smile is my desire. To make her know that when I leave each day, she is the one thing always on my mind is my desire. To know that she is sad to see me go each day is my desire. To know that she is excited when I come home is my desire. For her to know I’m excited to get home each day excites me is my desire.
Any outcome other than a rebuilt marriage founded on God, trust, respect and love is unacceptable. I know that’s what I want. I’m pretty damn sure that’s what she wants as well. Civility is where we have to start. Fine. Time to kick ass.