Lessons Learned Today:
1. It’s ok to be human
2. Depression sucks
3. Depression hits at really bad times
4. Those without depression have no idea what it is to go through it
5. A lot of people mean well
1. It’s ok to be human: I have proven many times that I make mistakes. Dwelling on them does no good. Get over them, schmuck.
2. Depression sucks: for no reason at all you just become incredibly depressed. Down in the dumps. Nothing is fun, nothing is exciting, nothing is positive.
3. Depression hits at really bad times: most of the times I’ve had serious bouts of depression I was at major junctures in my life. Starting college, burning out in my career, dealing with my infidelity/marriage. Major events in my life generally find me in a depression. Today I was kicked in the solar plexus with it. Since it was Christmas with my in-laws…not a good time.
Those without depression have no idea what it is to go through it: My Bride doesn’t get it. Her parents have depression so she kind of gets it. Kind of. But if you haven’t been there, you can’t understand. The depths that you are taken or the utter contempt you have for joy.
A lot of people mean well: My Bride, when I informed her I wasn’t just being a douche, was very nice. She came and talked to me for a few moments, rubbed on my back a little and was far more understanding. My father-in-law asked me if I wanted an anxiety pill. My wife’s grandmother kept telling me how much they love me. It was all very sweet and I really appreciated it.
This is where things get tough for me. I have to put quite a few things in order. I get to re-set sobriety. I liked the way it felt when I wasn’t humping my thoughts, so to say. I get to rebuild trust with my wife. I fucked up pretty bad. I broke it and I get to make amends. And I mean that I GET to do it. My Bride is not kicking me out. She has not given an ultimatum. She HAS told me that I hurt her. That I hit her with the most painful of blows possible. That. Sucks. Ass. To know I’ve hurt her line that, again, hurts me in the worst way. BUT it’s time to move forward. Dwelling on it will not fix anything.
In the words of My Bride, I’m going to man up and fix it.