“Why would you use the one thing that hurt me the most to attack me!?” Those words shall be forever burned into my soul. Those words were the gut-punch of reality I needed last night.
I created my trap on the 18th. She was consumed by it on the 22nd. It was a tough day to say the least. Since three days have passed, none of the information in it was true and it didn’t happen to me I couldn’t understand why she wasn’t over it. The thought that she was even troubled by it was not even in my mind. So I asked for some ‘action’ on Christmas Eve. “I can’t go there right now.” “Cant or won’t?”
Did I ask why? No.
Cut to Christmas Day. In asking for kisses and what not. Nothing major, just kisses.
I moved on.
We were sitting next to one another at my parent’s house. The standard mind-numbing boredom that comes along with my patent’s home had begun. So I texted her the following message:
“I want to kiss every inch of your body.”
It was meant to be cute. She, however, did not receive it as intended. I was instantly answered with what amounted to : Back the fuck off!
What the hell, man? What’s wrong? Seeing that I wasn’t understanding, she fires off a couple of texts explaining that the “malicious, intentional pain” that I caused is still having an effect.
I seriously didn’t know. Yeah, I had said that I understood ever since it happened. I didn’t. I didn’t grasp how deeply to the core I had cut her. The rest of the time at my parent’s home I pretty much ignored her. I don’t have the right to even talk with her. That’s what’s in my mind at least.
We lay silently in bed last night. Eventually, I couldn’t stand it. I had to discuss it. I entered into a truth session and I did not like it. It built slowly and crescendo’d with, “Why would you use the one thing that hurt me the most to attack me!?”</em
A fucking knife to my heart.
"Check Please" was what my mind was saying. I began freaking out. My mind began some heavy lifting. I came up with bizarre scenarios. Such as: "She's only staying with me for revenge. We'll recover and get closer and closer and eventually, she's going to break my heart by dumping my ass. Right when I become the closest to her.”
I made it about me. The rest of the evening was spent talking about the douche bag that started this entire mess and how horrible life is for him. Fuck that guy. He should be taken outside and have the shit beat out of him. There I was, in full selfish mode, whining about how nobody loves me and everyone is out to get me.
Shut the fuck up, man.
As My Bride says, Man up. Face the challenge and fix the damn problem.
So there’s the challenge. I have to accept that this entire situation is not about me. It’s about her. She has been injured. And just now re-injured. This entire process, I am coming to discover, is all about her healing. I’m not involved in that. Sure, I have to earn her trust and respect, but I don’t get to be a part of her emotional healing. I lost that right when I took my actions.