I just arrived at my in-laws home for their Christmas celebration. My Bride came over several hours before. The first thing I noticed was that everybody is happy. Everybody but me.
My Bride came to me and gave me a greeting kiss. It was short and I didn’t put much of anything into it. I don’t have much to give right now. “Are you doing ok?” “No.” “What’s wrong?” “Just stuff.” “Will you try to make it a happy day?” “Of course I will.”
But I don’t have anything to be happy about. My confidence, which had built up a notch, is gone again. My trust in myself is gone. Any belief I had built in myself is gone. I am in a place where I don’t feel that happiness is possible for my life.
But I’ll try, as hard as I can, to put on my happy mask. But even my fake mask isn’t very happy anymore. I can’t even act happy anymore. Right now, the only word that I can use to describe myself is hopeless.