There are many times that I feel grossly inadequate for the challenges that lay ahead of me. Now is one of those times.
Failure seems to be the name of the game lately. Over the past week, I have relapsed no less than 4 times. There is a bit of shame and embarrassment that goes with stating that. Adding to my shame and embarrassment is the trap I set for My Bride and the outcomes of that trap. That trap has led to the demolition of all trust and respect that had been established over the past month. When I had made my disclosure, My Bride had told me that she had a level of trust and respect that she had never had. Gone.
A Relationship with God is what I’ve been told to develop. “You have to give all of your problems over to God” I am told time and again. How? I don’t know how to do any of that. Is this a prayer thing? If that’s the case, I don’t get it. How does me saying words change anything? I don’t believe that God has any real input into my life. If He did, wouldn’t I be experiencing a desire to relate with Him? Wouldn’t I have a force acting on my mind? Wouldn’t there be a voice in my head telling me not to say shitty things or behave in evil ways?
No, I have come to realize that the God thing does not apply to this guy. My wife has a relationship with Him. Her family seems to have a relationship with Him. Me, not a chance. I have never truly felt any Godly presence in my life. I have had emotional experiences, but nothing where I could definitely say God was involved.
I said something like this to My Bride last night. I think what I had said was that prayer was a waste of time. She told me to reconsider that. She said, “You prayed for me to have a good session, I did. Our children are incredibly intelligent and talented, that’s an answer to prayer.” No, it’s a wonderful occurrence. Just because I prayed for something does not mean that the prayer was answered. I have also prayed for strength in my recovery. I’m not exactly seeing that coming through. I have prayed for mental healing. That definitely has not happened. I have prayed for peace in my mind. Hasn’t happened. I have prayed for wisdom. Yeah, about that.
I have come to believe that prayer is a total waste of time. MAYBE half the time what you have prayed for actually happens. So if I pray for something, my chances of that prayer being answered are the same as a coin flip. So why the hell would I spend any time at all in prayer? It is a total waste of time and mental effort.
Does God even exist? I don’t have any idea anymore. I mean, I believe that God created everything. I believe that God is an entity. But I don’t really believe that God is involved in my life. At all. He MIGHT be involved in the lives of some people. I am not one of those people. He MIGHT have interest in the lives of a few people. I am not one of those people. It’s even possible that He cares about the comings and goings of some people. I am not one of those people. I have truly come to believe that any blessings that have come to my life are a direct result of God wanting to bless the lives of others around me. My kids being incredible- that’s a blessing for my wife. My Bride having great counseling sessions- another blessing for her.
There have not been any blessings in my life that I can really think of. I have My Bride, but I really believe that was part of God’s plan for my kids. I really don’t know how I fit into that plan, but I think I’ve served my purpose as far as that is concerned. My childhood- a nightmare. My adult life- a lie. My mental state- a nightmare. My marriage- a dumpster fire. The only common thread in all that is me. I am the kiss of death to anything I come into contact with. Early in my career I had enjoyed some success. t crumbled. I moved on, a little more success. It crumbled. My marriage looked to be fairly successful. It crumbled.
There is only one way for me to make it through any of this. That guy I keep talking about not being involved in my life has to become involved. I must have an intervention from God before everything is over…or everything is over. The only problem is, I don’t know how to ask for it, what to do to get it or what to do if He actually does show up. I’m totally clueless. I’m clueless and desperate for help. But I have nobody to turn to.
My Bride will tell me to man up. She will tell me to stop dwelling on the past or the negativity. Dude, that’s the only thing I know how to do. ‘You need to talk to God.’ You know, of I thought He was listening, I might actually do that. However, experience has taught me time and again that He does not listen to me and that I am not on His TO DO list. No, there has to be another answer. I’m just looking for it.