Captain Buzzkill

When I need her most she ignores me.

I am clearly in the midst of a pretty major depression right now. My Bride has told me that she will not be around me when I’m like this. My depressions are “not attractive”
to her. So here I sit, alone, at her parent’s home.

She did come in to speak with me. She asked what’s going on. “2 things. I don’t want to be a buzzkill and everyone in there is happy. I’m not happy.” She tells me that I have a lot to be happy about and that I’m choosing to focus on the negative.
That’s the thing about depression. You can’t choose to come out of it. I do t choose what to think about. It just happens.

So the one person that I need more than any other on this planet right now will not come near me. I’m not attractive to her in this state. When she does come near, she gripes at me for depression.
Great. Thanks.

‘Don’t think about the negative’ is akin to ‘do t think about pink elephants’ to me. I think of them even more when you say that to me.

There is no cheering me up.
There is no comfort.
There is no joy.

‘Captain Buzzkill, paging Captain Buzzkill…’
Too late I guess. My Bride tells me that I’ve already become a Buzzkill. “Your boys are wondering where their dad is.”

He’s off in another room. Hiding from everyone. He doesn’t want the others to see him like this; a beat puppy near tears. I don’t want my kids to see this.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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7 Responses to Captain Buzzkill

  1. chipgruver says:

    Below is a Psalm that is written by a guy who had just had an affair with another man’s wife, she got pregnant and he had the man killed to cover up the affair. God then sent a prophet to confront him about the whole matter. That man, David, then wrote this Psalm. I’ve added some notes for you in the parenthesis.

    Psalm 51
    To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet went to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

    51 Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
    according to your abundant mercy
    blot out my transgressions. (No reason for mercy, just the knowledge that God is merciful)
    2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin!
    3 For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me. (sound like you)
    4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight,
    so that you may be justified in your words
    and blameless in your judgment.
    5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
    and in sin did my mother conceive me. (He could be blogging this stuff)
    6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
    and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
    7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
    8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have broken rejoice.
    9 Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.
    10 Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and renew a right[b] spirit within me. (I think this is the cry of your heart too)
    11 Cast me not away from your presence,
    and take not your Holy Spirit from me. (David saying, “Don’t leave me!”)
    12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and uphold me with a willing spirit.
    13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
    14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your righteousness.
    15 O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
    16 For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
    you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
    17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise. (You sound like just such a broken soul)
    18 Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
    build up the walls of Jerusalem;
    19 then will you delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

    My friend, to be brokenhearted puts you in good company. If you can’t climb out of the pit, know that some men greater than you and I have stayed there before you.

    I’m praying for you.


  2. chipgruver says:

    Another quote made me think of you. C. S. Lewis wrote this when his wife died of cancer. You are in the great company of C. S. Lewis in your feeling of rejection.

    “When you are happy, so happy you have no sense of needing Him, so happy that you are tempted to feel His claims upon you as an interruption, if you remember yourself and turn to Him with gratitude and praise, you will be — or so it feels— welcomed with open arms. But go to Him when your need is desperate, when all other help is vain, and what do you find? A door slammed in your face, and a sound of bolting and double bolting on the inside. After that, silence.”
    ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

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