When I need her most she ignores me.
I am clearly in the midst of a pretty major depression right now. My Bride has told me that she will not be around me when I’m like this. My depressions are “not attractive”
to her. So here I sit, alone, at her parent’s home.
She did come in to speak with me. She asked what’s going on. “2 things. I don’t want to be a buzzkill and everyone in there is happy. I’m not happy.” She tells me that I have a lot to be happy about and that I’m choosing to focus on the negative.
That’s the thing about depression. You can’t choose to come out of it. I do t choose what to think about. It just happens.
So the one person that I need more than any other on this planet right now will not come near me. I’m not attractive to her in this state. When she does come near, she gripes at me for depression.
‘Don’t think about the negative’ is akin to ‘do t think about pink elephants’ to me. I think of them even more when you say that to me.
There is no cheering me up.
There is no comfort.
There is no joy.
‘Captain Buzzkill, paging Captain Buzzkill…’
Too late I guess. My Bride tells me that I’ve already become a Buzzkill. “Your boys are wondering where their dad is.”
He’s off in another room. Hiding from everyone. He doesn’t want the others to see him like this; a beat puppy near tears. I don’t want my kids to see this.