It has been a long time since we have shared intimacy. At least I think it has been a long time. With the mental issues that I get to
enjoy deal with, I forget many, many things. And of course they are never the things I write about. it’s another one of those things I just don’t understand. I can recall lines from movies I watched 25 years ago, events in my life, conversations from decades go and the dialogue from every Bugs Bunny cartoon I have ever seen (all of them), but remembering things that have happened between My Bride and I are gone. Off into the ether are many of those memories.
As I remember things, it has been nearly 2 weeks since we have embraced with any sort of love. We have shared a goodnight kiss or a see you after work kiss. There have been no kisses of passion. No kisses for pleasure. No kisses to show love. ++Smooch++ “See you later, I love you” and I leave for work.*
We have hugged a couple of times. That’s it. A few weeks ago, we would often engage in hugs. They were not forced, I think. They were to show love. I wanted to be close to her. I wanted to hold her. I wanted her to hold me. It just stopped.*
This all began on December 11 when I came home and announced my 90 day abstinence. It was supposed to be a celebration. Instead, it turned into a fight. That fight has turned into coldness. That coldness led to me deciding to be an outright jackass to her a few days ago. Being a jackass led me to plant an emotional bomb on December 18. That bomb exploded yesterday. The explosion led her to tell me that if it doesn’t stop happening, our marriage is over. She didn’t use those words, but that’s what she meant.
We have a very large sectional couch. 8 feet long to one end and another 8 feet to the other. She sits at one end and I on the other. These are our traditional spots. Since D-Day, one of us would occasionally decide we needed to sit close to the other. We would get up and snuggle up to the other. That hasn’t happened in over 2 weeks. Granted, she has been sick since last Friday, but I’m not welcome to get close to her. There she sits now. She looks at her phone, she watches TV, she plays on her computer. She doesn’t really seem to have a want to speak with me. Oh, she’ll do it, but the conversations are short and cold (as I experience them anyway, she probably has a TOTALLY different perspective).
I am not a stupid guy. I have bachelors degree in education and a master’s degree in educational administration. My wish is to get my PhD next. I have a decent amount of intelligence betwixt my ears. I say all of that to relate the next part. When it comes to being a husband, I’m quite possibly, the dumbest person on the planet. I say really terrible things. I do even worse things. Every thing I do, by instinct, is exactly the wrong thing.
Knowing that I posses, at least, a mediocre amount of intelligence, I realize that my behaviors and words have led to this dearth of intimacy. I’m not stupid enough to write all of those things followed with, “I don’t understand why she’s so pissed off. What’s with her!?” I’m a jackass, but come on…
No, it’s exactly because I have, at least, mediocre intelligence that I don’t understand this stuff. I know that my words have a direct effect on her emotions. I know that my actions have a direct effect on her emotions as well. I even know that my attitude and overall emotional state and body language have a direct effect on her emotions. Knowing all of that leads me to the following question. Why the hell do I do those things? Knowing that I’m on thin ice with her, why would I further jeopardize her wish to even be in the same room as me?
Yesterday I wrote that our marriage was on life support and that, in essence, I had pulled the plug and hooked it to a AA battery. Seeing her reactions to me this morning, I wonder if the battery is maybe a little smaller than that. It appears to me that our marriage is now powered by one of those little watch batteries. Except this battery has been used in 4 watches and was made in 1973. The watch is starting to keep really bad time. I have to re-set the watch every day just to make sure I don’t miss my appointments.
So how do I change our battery? There has to be more to marriage than this. I know that I want her to have happiness. I know that I want happiness. As I see things now, there isn’t a lot to be happy about. When we talk someone either gets mad or hurt. When we ignore someone gets mad or hurt. When one of us gives a monologue on our feelings, the other either gets mad or hurt. If one of us asks how the other is, one of us gets either mad or hurt.*
I have the feeling that she would like to be somewhere other than with me. She seems to want very little to do with me. I understand why, mind you. It’s just that it sucks. And it sucks on several levels. She wants little-nothing to do with me and I’m the cause of that feeling. I know that I’ve caused all of those feelings, yet I have intentionally made things worse. I am keenly aware of what happens when I am forced to be away from her. She asked me to leave in April. A few days later I found myself in the mental hospital.
How do I deal with these things? One of the biggest things that she said to me yesterday was, “You need to figure out who or what entity you’re mad at because I’m sick of it and can’t take it anymore.” That was (what I perceived to be) the threat that I need to cut my shit out or she’s going to end it. I know I have to stop these behaviors. I DON’T KNOW HOW TO DO IT!!!
Thankfully I have a session with The Good Doctor today and tomorrow. I will be discussing this with him, at length, today.
As I remember back to my last session with The Good Doctor, this will likely come back to the need of dealing with my past issues. I have to slog through 41 years of absolute shit and pain. That will not be happening very quickly. I hope there’s enough time. Our battery is getting weaker every day.
*This post is NOT meant to be bitching about My Bride. This was meant to bitch about my actions and the symptoms and results of my behaviors.