I Want To Kill That Guy

I pissed off My Bride supremely today. All the trust I might have built over the last month has been destroyed.

I did not cheat on her. I willingly made her believe I did though.

Last Wednesday I was picking fights with her. In the midst of being super pissed at her, I don’t even know why now, I created my ruse. It was a test to see if she was checking up on me.

I created a post on what used to be my primary blog. I had created a sub-blog accidentally earlier this year. I decided to put it to use.

Here was the plan. I created a fake email account with a very suggestive name. I sent a few emails between me and the “guy” on the other end. The two emails said “she thinks I’ve been going to SA meetings, ha!” And “I’ve really missed you” I took screenshots and posted them along with the email account credentials so I could prove my innocence if she thought I was lying. In my last email, I created a link to the blog post but made it look like it came from Craigslist.

The blogpost basically said ‘I thought you might end up here. This was a shitty thing to do, but since I had started it, I had to finish it; the stuff had already been sent. I love you and I’m working my ass off to make you believe me…’

She found it today. She was looking through my emails and found it. I had left the emails in my inbox purposely so she could find them.

I had been taking a nap and she busted in. “What the hell is this!?”

I tried to tell her what I had done and how it was a really shitty thing to have done.

“I thought I was never going to have that feeling again and you did it to me on purpose!”

So there it is. I fucked up pretty bad.

“If anyone should be setting traps it should be me!”

Yep. She’s right again.

“Are you going to your meetings? I don’t know if I can even believe your answer.”

I don’t understand why, but it’s like I’m trying to sabotage my marriage. It’s almost like I’m trying to kill it. That’s the last thing on earth I want, but here I am doing it.

It’s like sticking a gun in your mouth and knowing it’s a very dangerous thing. But then you realize you really like the taste of gunmetal.

‘How far can I push things and still get away with them?’ Seems to be the game I’m playing.

I’m literally playing a game with My Bride’s emotions. “Hey, I’m just gonna crack open your heart and mind and play with them for awhile. You sit there and watch me shit on them, ok? What? You don’t like that? Ok. I’ll shit on them this way instead. Isn’t that better?”

This time she gave me a bit of a hint. “You’d better figure out who or what deity you’re pissed off at and shit on them. I’m sick of it and don’t think I can take it anymore.”

Message heard was: ‘This had better stop or our marriage is over.’ Will I actually listen this time? I hope so. I can’t imagine life without her. I don’t know what I would do if I knew I torpedoed our marriage on purpose.

Our marriage is already on life support. Today I pulled the plug and hooked it to a AA battery. Hopefully I’ll LISTEN to her warning and fucking do something about it.

It seems to me that I have two very different people warring within my mind. The “Good Guy” wants to fix himself, respect his wife and find God. The “Dick Head” thinks he can do whatever he chooses to whomever he chooses and God doesn’t even exist.

I told this to My Bride and she said it sounds like I’ve a decision to make. “Who do you want to win?” I know who I want to win. I just don’t know how to help him out. It seems everything I do helps Dick Head out. I want to kill that guy but I don’t know how.

Any ideas would be very appreciated about know. Her good graces are running short.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to I Want To Kill That Guy

  1. chipgruver says:

    Wow. That was a pretty dumb thing to do.

    I wonder if you are trying to get her to prove she cares enough to check up on you. You always seem to be convinced you aren’t valuable. Maybe you were trying to prove that you were valuable enough to be spied on. You present this as if it is to test if she trusts you, but your response of sadness isn’t quite the “Aha! You don’t trust me.” It seems more sad than that. Just a thought.

    How do you dig out of this?

    1. Take down all your traps. They only communicate distrust on your part.
    2. Tell her about all of them and apologize.
    3. Apologize again the following day.
    4. What the heck? Try apologizing again.
    5. Figure out why you did that and work it out with you counselor.
    6. Apologize, she might believe you this time. Try groveling.

    Avoid your spiral of despair. You are going to believe that you are good for nothing if you don’t stand against that lie. You are precious enough for Jesus to forgive even that stupid trap you set for your wife, that makes you precious indeed.

    What could provide more value than being loved by the God of the universe? You are very valuable. Live like it even when you don’t feel like it.

    Also, go apologize to your wife.

    -Chip

    P.S. I don’t know if I mentioned it, but you should probably offer a stunning and longwinded apology to your wife. Maybe make it into a limerick or a haiku.

    • I don’t have any other traps set. I made the one when I was beyond pissed. I let anger take over and that only brought pain along.

      I’ve apologized. I’m done apologizing. That probably sounds shitty too, but I can only do it so much. Right now I think apologies are worthless. I’ve hurt her so often and apologized for them all. My belief is that she’s saying, sure you do…then why do you keep doing these things!? I don’t believe you anymore.

      So it’s a waste of time right now. I mean it when I apologize. I just think I’ve caused too much damage for it to be reversed at this point.

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