Confused pissed off and disillusioned.

I just left a men’s bible study early. It sucked. Never before have I tried to get hooked Into a church group. Well, not since youth group that is. I actually volunteered my information last Sunday so I could be steered to an appropriate group. Not a good move.

My father-in-law can rattle off scripture about anything. My Bride’s grandfather can, seemingly, quote the entire bible. My Bride too is very good at rattling scriptures off. It’s like these people have spent most of their lives in study. That does not describe me in the least. I know the major points, mostly. Kind of. I’m not what could be called real familiar with the bible.

This is not a good thing. Here I am, with the desire to become the spiritual leader of my home. My wife has the expectation that I be the spiritual leader of our family. But I truly don’t know the first thing about spirituality outside of God is the creator of all, I owe everything to Him and to not worship Him is the worst thing I could ever do. Oh, and I need to pray to Him and dump all of my problems upon Him. That’s really all I know. Yet I’m supposed to LEAD my family in their spiritual walk. I can’t even lead myself. My Bride is far more qualified in this area. Yet there is the expectation that I assume that role.

I’m under qualified to say the least. To say I feel a bit of pressure in this area is a massive understatement. It weighs heavily on me. So much so that I’m frustrated and I want to run from it.

I’ve been told time after time that God desires a relationship with me. I WANT to want that relationship as well. I just really don’t feel it though. I know that my family wants me to have that relationship too. But I don’t.

Here’s where I’m coming from. Several years ago I was twisting in the wind, spiritually. I hooked into a church my sister-in-law and her husband had started. I became more involved in that church than any other in my life. I talked with the pastor (not my brother-in-law, he was an associate) quite a bit. As in daily. I prayed. I worshipped. And it all fell apart.

Come to find out my sister-in-law an her husband were actually shit heads. He treated her like crap and she was cheating on him. With a guy 10 years younger and from the church. She was the praise leader and he was the drummer. For whatever reason, I became very disillusioned with the church. Actually I know the reason. People I loomed up to were actually human and it seriously disappointed me. Add to that the way the church covered things up and that equaled me questioning everything about religion.

I’m very aware that I had placed faith in man. I get it. I also had an unrealistic expectation that a church would handle that type of situation in an above board way.

I left the church and spent the next year doubting the very existence of God. That led to a conversion to Islam earlier this year. That led to what could only be called the freak out of all freak outs by everyone I know. I was virtually disowned by quite a few people. It was never said, but that would’ve required people to speak to me. I was in a religious fervor from February to July. And then it changed. Islam was clearly not my answer either. I came back to Christianity about a month ago. But I still don’t have any real conviction.

My Bride told her grandparents that I came back to Christianity. When I saw them next, they made such a big deal out of it I was highly uncomfortable. I talked to her grandma on the phone last night and she told me how proud they are of me. For what!? For not knowing what I believe or how/what to do about it?

Cut to this morning.
I drag my arse out of bed and go to an early morning bible study. A lot of fakeness in that room. “I’m blessed coming and going”
“God is do good. You can’t imagine what He’s doing for me.”
“Life has never been better, He provided me with $500 in gift cards from total strangers this week!”

If all of that were true, they wouldn’t be at the ‘New Generation’ bible study. The class for the new guys.

I HATE hypocrisy and lying.
Yes, I see the irony on that statement.

After 45 minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore so I left.

Here I sit in my car waiting on the next church service to begin. I sit here questioning if I belong here. Does God really exist? Have my ‘experiences’ with God been real or just emotion? Is there a place I can go where people are real? Does a place exist where church goers don’t act like fake assholes that are just out to impress everyone? Is there ANYONE I can talk to about this? Anyone that that will be real with me? What the hell do I do????

I’m confused and pissed off and straight up disillusioned.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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6 Responses to Confused pissed off and disillusioned.

  1. rita kowats says:

    Thank you for your honest sharing. May you live into peace even in the midst of the questions. I’ve always held the questions as sacred indicators of our humanity.

  2. DougDoesLife says:

    Hey Martin- Spirituality can be a difficult thing to come to terms with, especially when it’s wrapped up with religion and the expectation of others. To me, spirituality is a very private and personal pursuit… I was raised in a specific religion but left it, turned inwards and discovered what makes sense to me…

    Good luck with your searching… Take comfort in the fact that you question dogma, which few do. You’ll thank yourself for not accepting what others tell you is the truth. It may be for them, but truth is relative, and different for everyone.

  3. chipgruver says:

    As I read your post here, I know this hurts.

    The fact is that God hates hypocrisy as well. You are in good company. The fake religiosity of people trying to look like followers of God to gain benefits other than God himself. It’s neuseating to God.

    He is the treasure worth having, not prestige or even moral living. He is the treasure found in a field. He is the delight that our souls long for.

    To treat him as a mean to an end is gross.

    Such is the nature of hypocrisy. I would be harsher but I know that i too have been quite the hypocrite before. Using the good name of God as a means to something I wanted more. While I hate to see hypocrisy, I know it lives in me.

    Don’t be too disillusioned by the church. Don’t mistake it for a Country Club for the righteous. It really is a hospital for the sick. You shouldn’t be surprised to find very sick people there. What should be surprising and concerning is if you have a hospital full of sick people claiming to be healthy.

    Like any good hospital, the roll of the church is to passionately point to the doctor. Jesus is the only one who can help us. A church can only be measure on how well it points to Jesus.

    The church is also an ambassador from a better country. We are to have the smell of heaven on us. People should see us an smell Jesus and be either drawn to him or repulsed by him.

    I cannot speak to whether the church you went to is healthy or sick. It could be that you are expecting too much from them. It could be that you see them pretending to be well and that should make you very angry. I don’t know.

    But I do know this. That Jesus died for you. He knew that this would be messy and that you were not going to be an easy guy to love and he died for you. He loved you anyway.

    Don’t give up hope in Jesus, my friend. Despite my own hypocrisy and the hypocrisy you saw this morning, know that Jesus will never lie to you.

    On your question of leadership. One thing that leaders are is patient. Could it be that your Father is teaching you to be patient and wait for Him? He is the best leader ever and he is bringing you to leadership school.


    • I just think that I’m to be a leader, I should know something about what I’m leading. I know next to nothing about spirituality, yet I’m to lead my family!? That’s the blind leading the well-versed. It makes no sense.

      • chipgruver says:

        One of my favorite quotes is that “God does not choose the equipped. He equips the chosen.”

        Caring about your leadership role is a major leadership quality. Theologians aren’t the best family leaders, fathers who take their sin seriously are the best.

        You show a lot of leadership to even challenge your own sin. Much of leading is setting an example of how to repent. You’re doing that.

        Rome, Georgia wasn’t built in a day. It is OK for you to be in leadership school. Be patient’s with yourself. God is.


  4. Jayelle says:

    You are supposed to lead in the search not be the answers …. don’t be so hard on yourself!! Life is a journey not a destination! Think of it more as you two on a journey but you are walking the steps in front of her instead of behind her!! You don’t need to know the answers, but be the brave one in front as you both walk TOGETHER!!! THAT is what leading is all about!!

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