As I’ve mentioned before, I hate going to SA meetings. It’s been 8 days since I’ve last been. During that time I have been to two addiction support groups meetings at church.
BRIGHT IDEA TIME!!!
As my previous therapy session was being postponed and rescheduled , The Good Doctor was ill, I asked if I could email a few questions to him. The one that really mattered asked if I could ditch SA in favor of these groups. “If the content is similar to SA, sure. Let’s talk about it next week.”
The church support group is NOTHING like SA. I can have an actual conversation with everyone. Dialogue is forbidden in SA meetings. THAT’S why I hate the meetings. I’m a talker. I don’t like an organization telling me I can’t have a discussion over what I’ve just heard.
The SA-less days have stacked up, as have the days without contacting my sponsor. “You can’t talk about what someone else has shared…” is what really set me off.
“Who is this guy to tell me what I can and cannot say? Fuck him.” I think rebellious is an appropriate term for my current state.
I’ve spent a LOT of my day pondering this situation. Do I call? Do I just suck it up and go? Are 2 prunes enough or are 3 too many?
I called my sponsor. I told him of my severe dislike for the meetings. That elicited a pretty solid laugh. “You’re not the first to say that.” “No, I don’t think you understand. I’m not uncomfortable. I think the meeting format sucks. I’m not real big on being constrained in what I can discuss.”
“Maybe letting go of that control and submitting to the direction of the group is a good thing for you.” “Sotting around the table and reading a paragraph doesn’t seem too helpful to me.” “One of the acronyms for God is ‘Giver of Direction’ Think about that.”
That’s where he had me. I understood.
“Ok, I get it. The last five minutes boils down to you telling me to shit up and do it.” “I was trying to be nice.”
“See you Sunday, weather permitting.”
I’m still going to talk with The Good Doctor about this. I don’t like it. I have a complete disdain of handing over the controls to any part of my life. Annnnd that’s precisely part of my problem…I think. I THINK I can chalk that up to selfishness. I think. Maybe.
I called my wife and told her about it (this all happened as I was driving to pick one of my boys up). “Wow” was her reaction to Sponsor’s remarks.
Shit. That means she agrees with him.
Why does everyone in my life feel the need to conspire against me? Are these people speaking behind my back? I’m beginning to believe that The Good Doctor, Sponsor and My Bride exchange multiple emails each day.
***I was kidding with those last statements. I’m not that dense***
As I lie here in my bed to write, My Bride had asked what tonight’s blog was about. I told her I didn’t know, I free form everything and see where me brain takes me. THAT’S a scary thought.
Seriously though, I knew exactly what this was going to cover.
Dude!! In doing that, I sinned against her and God. Damn it. There’s something I don’t want starting up again- hiding things and avoiding the truth.
Baby Doll, I apologize for that.