17 Days Sober.
8 Days Abstinent.
Those are words I never thought I would use. And it almost came tumbling down last night.
My Bride and I had been feuding. Actually, a better way to state that is My Bride pissed me off the night before and I picked a fight the entire next day.
I’m not proud of that btw.
One of my blog followers, Chip, is a God sent voice of reason. There have been several high negative posts directed toward My Bride. Chip will almost always swoop in and bitch slap me with reality.
Last night was another example.
I had made a post that took
a couple of several shots at My Bride. They were all very unfair. She let me know. It didn’t matter. This is MY fucking blog and I’ll say whatever I damned well please. Writing it keeps me from saying those nasty things to her. I’m actually being a good guy by kicking her ass on here.
Sure thing, dickwad.
“You’re being a real asshole to me. You say some really shitty things about me on your blog”
And my response was basically…”So?”
My Bride will tell me that I’m hurting her feelings or that I’m way off base on my read of things. NO I’M NOT! Hey, it was her that told me to write whatever I want here. How can she reconcile that with “You’re hurting me”?
Whenever she says I’m hurting her or that I’m a “Fucking Asshole,” I blow her off. She is obviously pissed about something else. I just have to find out what.
Try again, Douchebag.
It was a comment Chip made on a since deleted post (I couldn’t leave it up in good conscious). It was something to the effect of: You can’t compartmentalize like that. Having one set of values and morals in real-life and another online is unfair. I’ve realized it’s the same as my previous double life.
When we went to bed, there was no discussion. There were a few words said that we both ignored. That was it. No evening prayer. No goodnight kiss. Nothing. The evening prayer seems to be the first thing I abandon when we argue. I’m struggling with that. It’s an obvious “screw you” to her.
And then it happened. About 10 minutes after we, I guess you’d call it, “sad goodnight” in silence, it hit. I was hurting. I was in pain. I was pissed off. The unbelievable desire to medicate (PMO) hit me. Hard.
Knowing she would get up soon, she pees frequently at night (thanks, kids!), I sent her some texts.
I need you
I’m in a really bad place
I’m desperate for you
That old chestnut. I tried everything I’ve learned to fight my urges.
It didn’t work. I was not long for sobriety. I finally did what I was supposed to do.
I prayed a lot. I prayed hard. During a break in my prayer, I put an incredibly boring documentary on my iPad. It was really bad. Since it wasn’t holding my attention, my mind began to wander. I stated praying again. This time I prayed until I fell asleep.
1. Don’t be a “Fucking Asshole” or a “Fucking Dick” to My Bride. Yes, I SHOULD know that. I’m working here…
2. Tried and true strategies for fighting cravings are tried and true for a reason.
While I have no illusion that I’m making incredible progress here…I AM making progress. It isn’t fast enough for my liking. She isn’t fast enough for my liking. Too bad. As we often say to each other- It is what it is.
My wife and I have decided Chip is a voice sent by God.
Her exact words were, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Chip were actually God telling is what needs to be said?”
Being the weirdo I am, my thoughts were, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Chip were actually one of us speaking to me through our subconscious? Kinda like The Matrix.”