It Is What It Is

17 Days Sober.
8 Days Abstinent.

Those are words I never thought I would use. And it almost came tumbling down last night.

My Bride and I had been feuding. Actually, a better way to state that is My Bride pissed me off the night before and I picked a fight the entire next day.
I’m not proud of that btw.

One of my blog followers, Chip, is a God sent voice of reason. There have been several high negative posts directed toward My Bride. Chip will almost always swoop in and bitch slap me with reality.
Last night was another example.

I had made a post that took a couple of several shots at My Bride. They were all very unfair. She let me know. It didn’t matter. This is MY fucking blog and I’ll say whatever I damned well please. Writing it keeps me from saying those nasty things to her. I’m actually being a good guy by kicking her ass on here.

Sure thing, dickwad.

“You’re being a real asshole to me. You say some really shitty things about me on your blog”
And my response was basically…”So?”

My Bride will tell me that I’m hurting her feelings or that I’m way off base on my read of things. NO I’M NOT! Hey, it was her that told me to write whatever I want here. How can she reconcile that with “You’re hurting me”?

Whenever she says I’m hurting her or that I’m a “Fucking Asshole,” I blow her off. She is obviously pissed about something else. I just have to find out what.

Try again, Douchebag.

It was a comment Chip made on a since deleted post (I couldn’t leave it up in good conscious). It was something to the effect of: You can’t compartmentalize like that. Having one set of values and morals in real-life and another online is unfair. I’ve realized it’s the same as my previous double life.

When we went to bed, there was no discussion. There were a few words said that we both ignored. That was it. No evening prayer. No goodnight kiss. Nothing. The evening prayer seems to be the first thing I abandon when we argue. I’m struggling with that. It’s an obvious “screw you” to her.

And then it happened. About 10 minutes after we, I guess you’d call it, “sad goodnight” in silence, it hit. I was hurting. I was in pain. I was pissed off. The unbelievable desire to medicate (PMO) hit me. Hard.

Knowing she would get up soon, she pees frequently at night (thanks, kids!), I sent her some texts.
I need you
I’m in a really bad place
I’m desperate for you

That old chestnut. I tried everything I’ve learned to fight my urges.
It didn’t work. I was not long for sobriety. I finally did what I was supposed to do.
I prayed.

I prayed a lot. I prayed hard. During a break in my prayer, I put an incredibly boring documentary on my iPad. It was really bad. Since it wasn’t holding my attention, my mind began to wander. I stated praying again. This time I prayed until I fell asleep.

It.Freaking.Worked!!!!!

Lessons Learned
1. Don’t be a “Fucking Asshole” or a “Fucking Dick” to My Bride. Yes, I SHOULD know that. I’m working here…
2. Tried and true strategies for fighting cravings are tried and true for a reason.

While I have no illusion that I’m making incredible progress here…I AM making progress. It isn’t fast enough for my liking. She isn’t fast enough for my liking. Too bad. As we often say to each other- It is what it is.

Thanks, Chip.

***Closing Note***
My wife and I have decided Chip is a voice sent by God.

Her exact words were, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Chip were actually God telling is what needs to be said?”
Being the weirdo I am, my thoughts were, “Wouldn’t it be crazy if Chip were actually one of us speaking to me through our subconscious? Kinda like The Matrix.”

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to It Is What It Is

  1. chipgruver says:

    What would be the craziest would be if Chip were a screwup who the Holy Spirit was able to use anyway.

    This was so encouraging for me. Thank you. I have been a bit discouraged about my own blog recently and this lightened my spirits considerably.

    What is so sweet about all this is that you encourage me. It is so good to watch you grow and change. Seriously, you were hit hard by temptation last night and would have crumbled on any night before last night. God provided just enough grace for last night for you to pray and fight. My eyes are watering a bit just thinking about it.

    You prayed to a Father who loves you and He was faithful to you. God is good.

    I want to underscore this. This is not the Martin we all know. What you did last night was not in you to do? Parting the Red Sea, Raising the Dead, all of that is minor miracles compared to taking an addict as deep as you are and turning you into a man who would say no to porn. You held on by your fingernails, but by God’s grace you held.

    I’m really proud of you.

    This is what it is like to be a city on a hill. You are a testament to a God who redeems men from the sickest and filthiest sin. You, my friend, are glowing with the light of the Holy Spirit. You get to share in the work of God and show a very cynical world that there is a God in Heaven and he does miracles.

    And that light in your soul shines on me and refreshes me. Thank you for holding on. Thank you for showing me the way to fight temptation like someone who would cut his hand off. It challenges me to love my God and my wife that much.

    We serve a very good God, my friend.

    -Chip

    • It blows my mind that God will take complete doofuses (sp???) and use them for anything. Add that to the list of stuff I don’t understand but will happily receive. Even I get used by God sometimes. Today it was setting an example for a kid at school. Tomorrow it may be something to do with addiction. The next day it might actually be to serve as a warning. Those all happen.

      We do serve a good God. I don’t understand Him, but I guess that’s not the important part.

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