Seeing The Minutiae

Home. Finally home.

It has been a really tough 24 hours. We have gone from being in a good place yesterday to shit, then off to a better place earlier today to an equally shitty locale.

My last post spoke of our pain cycle. Our weeks have started off, lately, pretty well. Our Sundays have been decent. Monday is generally an even better day. And then Tuesday hits. Generally Tuesday is the first confrontation of the week. Yesterday was no different. Previously, I would get really pissed off about things she would speak of after her therapy sessions. Not this week. That was actually one of our better interactions yesterday. Since I’ve previously covered this, I ain’t doing it now. Just know that Tuesday night bed time sucks ass most of the time.

We rolled into Wednesday. Usually awaking pissed off at each other. Today was a typical Wednesday. We woke up, avoided one another and didn’t speak. As per normal, I had decided I would not speak to her unless she spoke first. As per normal, I texted her, first, at around 7:00 AM. Nice..That’s a great show of the ‘Piss Off’ that you had meant to send today. And as per normal, it ended up a nice conversation.

We are both teachers. During my planning period/lunch time, I usually inundate her with texts. Since they go straight to her laptop, I don’t feel like an asshole. Well, not for that anyway. THAT conversation was quite nice. “Maybe we had our major blow up last night. MAYBE we are getting past fucking up our week for long periods!”

And maybe apple juice will coming shooting out of my nipples today as well…

Yeah, neither of those things happened. This time…

It’s crazy how Wednesday usually sucks. That’s my therapy day. It’s almost like our therapy sessions trigger asshole tendencies in us. There might be something to that. However, I didn’t have therapy today; it was postponed. I have it on Christmas Eve. Nice. That’ll make for a fun-filled family night..

It was about 7 seconds after my class left my room this afternoon that we started in on each other. At least an hour went by. We bitched at each other at a pretty good clip. I told her I want us in counseling. She told me she isn’t ready. I agree, she isn’t ready. I still want us in counseling.

{I can already visualize the comments I will be receiving from this and the earlier post. This is your fault. Don’t pressure her. Let her heal. Yes, I know. I’m an asshole for wanting counseling now. I get it.}

Anytime I tell her I want us in counseling she has, what can be conservatively called, extreme negative reactions. When I mention it, I know exactly where the conversation will go.

I’m doing all I can. I’m giving my all to this. I’m not ready for marriage counseling. You keep pushing me away.

Those are her typical responses. I understand them too. I understand that she is not on my time frame. I get it. I also understand that she says she is doing all she can. She is under a very heavy burden.

I still want to work on us. I still think we are incapable of working on our relationship. We need a professional.

Today she said that we’ve already come so far. What!?!? We can’t talk to each other without pissing each other off. That’s not progress. When I told her I didn’t think we have made any progress she will tell me I have offended her.

“How have we progressed?”

Are you kidding me?

“No. I don’t recognize any progress.”

Since September 20th?

“No…I mean since disclosure day. I know there has been a little progress since the first major explosion.”

We have made lots of progress.

“Like what?”

We kiss, we hug, we snuggle, we talk to each other, we listen to each other, we think of the other first.

“We piss each other off when we talk.”

I pretty much tried to knock down what she had called progress. And that’s because I don’t really think we have made any true progress. She still holds an enormous grudge against me. While I totally understand that, I would say defeating that would be progress. We can’t have a conversation with any real depth without injury. Yeah, we snuggle. However, when we snuggle, she feels my pecker and it sends her into thinking about what I did. We kiss…some. However, she cannot kiss me with any passion. That also makes her obsess over what I did. I understand how and why.

Those are massive issues and we have made zero progress with them. I truly do not recognize the small things. Is it possible we HAVE made progress? I suppose so. I just don’t see it. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is hurtful to her. I do not think that she appreciates my perspective. I have NEVER been able to keep track of little details. I am what is know as a “Big Picture” kind of guy. Well suited for running large, overarching projects. Very poor at seeing the minutiae. I really think that if she is unable to understand that, we will have severe difficulty moving forward.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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4 Responses to Seeing The Minutiae

  1. chipgruver says:

    You have a flair for the dramatic. I keep swinging wildly between thinking, “It’s good that he’s so honest” and “he really needs to knock the exaggeration off.”

    I haven’t decided which camp I will settle in. Maybe this is what its like to be you.

    Either way, no need for the lecture on giving her space. Even before you mentioned it, I wasn’t planning on rehashing it.

    I will affirm that things have improved over the last weeks. You have done things that the you of September would have gagged on. For example:

    You are in counseling and enjoying it
    You have agreed to 90 days with no sex
    You have renounced porn (BTW, are you avoiding saying how many days sober?)
    You have become such an advocate for you marriage that you want marriage counseling
    You told your sister about your problem
    You worked on your relationship with her family
    And a partridge in a pear tree!

    So don’t give me this crap about nothing has changed.

    Your recovery is going well. I’m pleased with it even if you aren’t.


    • Oh yeah…16 days sober. 7 days abstinent. I totally forgot to mention those. I’ve been a bit more preoccupied on my marriage.

      Thank you, Chip. I tend to completely overlook everything positive that has happened. I have ALWAYS been guilty of putting my focus on the negative.

      The flair got the dramatic is precisely what it’s like to be me. My Bride and I completed a very difficult “conversation” (read bitch each other our session) which ended with me totally changing my viewpoint. “How can you totally change what you’re saying” was her question at the end. Followed immediately by, “I don’t know if I can do this.” The one word I would use to describe living with me would be- exhausting.

      It sucks. I seriously keep her on a ridiculous roller coaster of emotions. I hate it. If there were only one thing I could change on my life, that would be it. I think the crest would probably fall into line.

  2. chipgruver says:

    If it makes you feel better, the even keel people like myself tend to look cold and distant under stress. If you emotions cause hurricanes, mine cause a still silent cold night. It’s not easy to fight with either of us. At least your entertaining. -Chip

    • Ha!! I’m glad to be of service!!

      It’s funny you say cold and distant. That precisely the way I see it.

      An interesting tidbit: My Bride and I have totally switched roles.

      I used to be very stoic. I showed very little emotion; very Vulcan.
      She, on the other hand, was very emotional.
      I was still incredibly up and down, but it manifested as anger; sometimes to the point of rage.

      This began changing in a major way about 5 years ago. I was diagnosed bipolar, put on meds and here came the changes. I turned highly emotional and she turned stoic. I’d say it was a defense mechanism.

      I probably went stoic, like my father, to protect myself from tough emotions. When I flipped, she had to do the same.

      It really sucks. I also see a blog post coming from that…

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