Cycle of Pain

The weekly Shit Storm has happened.

Last night we were discussing stuff. I was changing shirts, she watched for some reason, and I loomed at my underarms. “Are you smelling them?”
“No, I was looking at them.”

See, earlier this year I had removed my underarm hair. Why, you may ask? For whatever reason, the hair was hurting me. So I removed it. I had done this many, many years earlier (1993) and she said it was gay. Because of that, I never did it again. Until this year that is. I kind of went into a ‘I don’t give a shit what anyone thinks’ phase (I’m still in there a lot of the time btw).

She looks at me and says, “That’s really gay” and walks off. Since we were going to the same place, I followed. She looked at me, noticed I was less-than happy and asked, “What’s wrong?”
I stood there in silence for a moment. “Nothing” and I walked off. Next thing I know,we were in bed.

“I’m really hurt that you said what I did was really gay” was how I began the conversation. She came back with some lame-ass, I said that years ago.”
“No, you said it just a few minutes ago.”
“No, I said that that was something I said years ago.”
“No. You put no qualifiers on it. Considering what we’re going through, I’m a bit sensitive to that right now. Since I’m convinced that you think I’m gay, I’d appreciate it if you wouldn’t go there.”
“If I thought you were gay, you wouldn’t be here.”
“If you didn’t think I was gay, you wouldn’t say what I’m doing is gay.”
“I don’t think you’re gay. I think you did some gay stuff.”

And that was pretty much the end if the night. Well, if you leave out the ensuing argument. She stopped talking to me. I rolled over and we were through.

This morning, we didn’t speak. As I was leaving, I walked right by her and left. She said bye and that was it.

A bit later she sent me an apology text.
“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. I really do love you.” we chatted back and forth, a little, and ended friends again. I until this afternoon.

We began another conversation right after I had found out my therapy session had been postponed 5 days. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed. My only real outlet for talking about stuff is postponed 5 days. And that’s what I told her.

“You can talk to me.”
“No I can’t.”
•THIS is where I should have killed the conversation. But nooooooo. I needed to talk.
“If I talk to you, you end up getting overwhelmed and I get told to stop.”
“I can only do so much.”
“I know. I should be able to talk to you about everything. If I do, you get mad or hurt.”
“If that happens I’ll tell you to stop.”
“I can’t really do it. I don’t ever know if it’s a good time or not. Like last night”
“I was a powder keg last night.”
“Right, but when you got home, everything loomed fine. We ended up just short of yelling at each other.”

Blah, blah, blah.
It eventually came around to…
“We cannot communicate with each other. We are incapable of doing that. For example, I just found out, last night, that you’re still holding a massive grudge against me.”
“Yeah, no kidding. I haven’t forgiven you yet.”
“But I JUST found out. You don’t tell me that stuff.”
“I thought you knew.”
“No, we don’t communicate.”
“I know. I don’t have any solutions.”
“I do.”
“What?”

Sticking foot on mouth in 3…2…1…
“Marriage counseling.”

Ka-Fucking-BOOM!!!!!

Here’s her rundown:
•I’m not ready
•I can’t do that right now
•It’s too much
•I’m doing the best I can and it’s not good enough
•Have you read your blog from when you last pushed this?
•You’re pushing me away.

I didn’t push anything. I told her what I would like to do. Methinks she’s a touch sensitive on this one.

I DID tell her that neither of is is willing to do what the other wants.
•She wants me to talk to her and shut up when she instructs me to.
•I want us to go to counseling.

I will, again, state my case. She won’t like it, but it’s my fucking blog.
•We have massive communication problems. When one speaks, the other gets pissed, hurt or completely misunderstands the other.
•We have HUGE trust issues.
•She holds an enormous grudge against me, rightfully so, and there is no end in sight. That is totally on me. I get this one. But it still sucks.
•She will not tell me anything unless I drag it out of her. That causes fights.
•I NEVER know if she’s in a good, bad or indifferent mood. She sure as hell won’t talk to me about it.
•Her answer to the overwhelming majority of my questions is ‘I don’t know.’ I call bullshit on this one. She SAYS she doesn’t know. However, anytime I press her on these things, she suddenly has a LOT to say about it. It’s almost like a confrontation has to be instigated in order to know what the hell is going on.

“I’m not ready for counseling.”
And that’s fine. But the pain and suffering continues to deepen. I see no end in sight for that.

March 10 is our alleged ‘Sex Is Back On The Table’ day. Doubtful. Highly doubtful. I have had zero expectations with this. There is little doubt in my mind that our 90 days of abstinence will quickly turn into triple digits. And soon enough, high triple digits.

Talk like that pisses her off to no end. I have no idea as to how I can possibly be wrong about this though. I have experience on my side when forming thoughts and opinions. BUT, I told her, and I totally mean it, that if she needs more time, it’s cool. I will be fine. She will be fine. My dick will not fall off. Life will not end. I will still love her and I have every reason to believe she will still love me. It’s just that it will be uncomfortable. But that’s not exactly a new thing.

This just really sucks. We have at least one large fight each week. It’s always Tuesday or Wednesday. Always. I’m tired of this. She’s tired of this.

Can we survive. I have no idea. We’re on a continuous cycle of pain. Argue, make up, 1 good day, repeat.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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