“It’s because you’re growing up.
That was in response to something I said. We went to bed last night at 7:30! A long time ago that would have been me bragging…if you know what I mean. I’m bragging now. Not for THAT though.
She has been suffering from a crick in her neck for the past 6 days. It has spread to her shoulders, mid-back and down her arm. She took a muscle relaxer and a pain pill and we went to bed. “Are you tired?” ‘No, but I have to go to bed when you do.’ She understood.
We talked for a long time. She told me she’s was proud of me. It had been a very up and down day and I hadn’t melted down into deep depression like I normally would. I told her I was proud that she was able to remove herself from a tough situation and nobody got their feelings hurt over it.
Yesterday morning was pretty special. We made out a little. That used to mean kissing and rubbing one another and getting each other fired up…and that was it. Nothing else would happen. That’s how it went down when we were dating (prior to sex) at least. Yesterday was similar. Kind of. We kissed on each other, she CARESSED me and I returned the favor. It was very sweet.
Here’s the special part. After we had stopped, she began getting ready for the day. I walked up behind her, kissed her neck and grabbed her boobs. She let me. This used to be the immediate prelude to sex. Not yesterday. I kept nibbling her neck, grabbing her boobs and that was it. There was no aggressive grabbing though. It was caressing. And then…it was done. Just as it had started, it was over. No mad chemical rush, no lust. Just plain old, ‘hey, this seems like a good thing to do’ was all that happened.
We talked about that last night. “Thanks for not freaking out when I did that.” She thanked me for not pushing it any further. “I didn’t want to. That was plenty. I didn’t want to have sex, I just wanted to touch you. Plus I’ve missed the girls.” We talked about how my reactions are changing. They’ve been changing rapidly.
“That’s because you’re growing up.”
There was a time that statement would have pissed me off like you wouldn’t believe. Not now. I know it’s true. Maturation is something I pray for daily. Our family is something I pray for most days. I say most days because when I’ve been in a shitty mood, I don’t pray at all. THAT’S the next step in maturation. Praying when I don’t want to.
It’s crazy how doing the right things makes her respond. Almost like, if I do the right thing, it turns her on. Not necessarily sexually (I suspect it does some), more like turns her on to me. In away that’s special. I would say anyone has the capacity to turn her on physically. That’s just chemical reactions. I’m beginning to believe that when I do the right thing (or try to), she becomes attracted to me as a person.
I have an inappropriate joke that goes on the end of that. I think she might even smile if she figures it out. I’m claiming maturity by not writing the joke. It’s better to go with the theater of the mind in this case.
Sexual addiction will be my partner for life. Right now it’s a major partner. I think I see the possibility of it becoming a minor player in my life. It did not grip me about the neck this weekend even though it could have. I noticed some dangers and moved away from them. There are some dangers I did not avoid though. Those are for next time. And next time, I’m gonna let God kick their ass for me.