Today was going so well. We had gone to our son’s ball game and then on to church. We were visiting a church we had gone to for years only to inexplicably stop. It has been at least 10 years since we’ve been.
It Felt Right. It’s like we had never left. The music was awesome, the atmosphere electric and the message was great. In fact, the message was perfect. My wife and I agreed, we have never heard a message that related so perfectly to our situation. It spoke to troubled marriages and addictions. Never before have I openly wept at church. I made up for lost time today. “Hold hands with your neighbor. If you know that you aren’t going where God wants, you know that He has more for you, squeeze your neighbors hand.” I squeezed my wife’s hand. “If your marriage is crumbling, God is bigger. If you are struggling with addiction, God is bigger…If you squeezed someone’s hand, come up when I count to 3.” I knew I would be going. My wife knew I would be going. I was a crying mess. “1…2…3!” She literally pushed me out. I went. Willingly. Happily.
It was a long-ass walk. People are watching when you take that walk… So I make it to the front. The lady herding us didn’t see me. She was pushing people ahead of me. All of ten went ahead of me. The guy who took over, to tell us what’s up, began talking. It was more of the same. He made eye contact with me for, maybe, 1/10th of a second, but in that second he saw through my soul. “Follow that lady to the room…” I followed. I was the second person in.
It was downhill from there. Like a good little soldier, I went as far as I could into the room. As I was taking my seat a lady came in and said, “The people who will be sitting across from you are our prayer partners…” Nobody sat by me. I sat and filled out the “Altar Call” card provided. I looked around…everyone was being prayed for…everyone except me that is. “There are a lot of people in here. This sucks, but I can wait my turn” went through my mind. I started reading the provided literature. I read the entire thing. When I had finished, I noticed there were only a handful of people left. “Uh-oh” shot through my mind. I pulled out my phone and texted my wife.
“This has been a waste of time”
There’s nobody with me. I’m here all alone. People are leaving.
This is crushing. (You have no idea…) “Want to meet me at the car?”
No, last time something like this happened was for the support group. I was pissed but waited. I was glad I did.
We texted a bit more. I told her that there wasn’t really anybody left. I began begging her to come to me. It was as she was coming into the room that a lady came up to me.
“Are you doing alright?”
I’ve been sitting here this whole time and watched everyone else get talked to and prayed for. Everyone else has left and I’m still here.
“Oh, no! Hey, Bill (I don’t remember his name). Will you come and take care of him?”
Bill comes over. It was too late. As I was in the service listening to the message I was broken. At that time, I was putty in God’s hand. I was willing to do anything. And then I went into the room. I could literally feel my soul getting pissed off. Yes, I was getting angry, but now my SOUL was pissed.
There I sat, all alone, being “taken care of” as an afterthought.
Are you fucking kidding me!?!?
This is EXACTLY the type of shit that used to happen to me at home. “Oh, yeah. We forgot about you. Here you go…” And here I am, vulnerable and crying when I enter the room…pissed off and unwilling to cooperate when Bill came and “took care” of me. The guy could have spoken Swahili. I would have absorbed just as much. I do remember him saying something about praying that pissed me off.
“When you pray, one of the biggest mistakes people make is to go straight to their problems”
Ummm, that’s exactly what I was just told to do out there.
No, he JUST said that my God is bigger than your problems. Give your problems to God and He will take care of them.”
“What I think he was saying is…Where I’m coming from…Here’s what I do.”
He began telling me how to pray. “You have to praise Him first.”
Yeah, hey, I know that. But I don’t feel like praising Him now. I want to tell Him my problems. I want Him to take them from me. I want to GIVE Him my problems. I’m pretty sure God knows who He is. I’m pretty sure that He can deal with me actually praying to Him and asking for His help. He can probably go once or twice without me following the formula.
The guy droned on and on about WHY we should praise Him. The more he spoke, the more pissed I became.
“I’d like to pray for you. I’m guessing that you’ve been hurt….” blah, blah, blah…
He takes my hand and begins praying.
“Will you repeat what I say?”
We went through a prayer of recommitment. I said it. I didn’t mean it. I was pissed off.
Being pissed off at God has never actually happened to me before. Here I am.
The guy looks at my wife…“Are you his friend or something?”
I’m his wife.
“Ok, let me pray for your family.”
He prays for our family. I seriously have no idea what he said. “god can fuck off” kept running through my mind.
We get up and leave. We get to the car and talk about it. My bride tells me there was a reason this happened. That God has a plan for my life and it must be bigger than what was going to happen today.
Bullshit. Fuck that.
For the first time in my life, I heard God speaking to me. “Come to me” was the message. For the FIRST time in my life, I obeyed God. And then God abandoned me.
“You’re feeling this because you ended up putting your trust in man…”
It hit me right then and there…God’s plan for my life is to serve as a warning to others. I have actually joked about that with the Good Doctor before. He said, as he laughed, yeah…sometimes that is somebody’s role in life. IT’S MY FUCKING ROLE!!!
I have now realized that I will never be rid of the pains from my past. I am destined to keep them for life. Perhaps they will serve as a reminder to me. My bride vociferously disagrees. “God does not plan that for anyone.”
Who the hell is she to tell me what God has planned for my life!?!?
I learned 2 things today.
1. I will be alone on my journey to fight my addiction.
2. God is not to be trusted.
I attempted trusting God today. Today I was burned. I’ve never been so fucking pissed off about anything before. What the fuck is the point of worshipping God if He is going to abandon me when I need Him most. As I sat in that room today, I heard God again. “Fuck off” was what I heard. Right back at you, God.
What purpose is serving Him if He’s going to shit on me when I FINALLY answered His call!? Why the hell would I even think about trying to obey Him? It makes no sense to do that. NONE! “Hey, man…I love you so much, I sent my son to die for you…PSYCHE! FUCK YOU! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”