Any time I get down in a major way, lately, my wife has told me I have started my Pity Party. This is a really tough thing for her to say to me. That’s because we say that about my mother, the Queen of the Pity Party. I have some solid mental issues: Bipolar, paranoia. My mother, however, makes me look like a regular picture of perfect mental health.
So whenever she tells me that I’ve started my pity party, it stings. It stings real bad. As we were driving home from church, I vented. A LOT. I guess that venting turned into, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll just go eat worms.” And by I guess, I mean- yes, I did do that. I’m really talented when it comes to changing anger of a situation into the world is persecuting me. And that is precisely what I did today.
I was treated poorly at church. It hurt me very deeply. It angers me at God. It angers me real bad. Hell, even my wife is angry at God. “Why wouldn’t He send someone to help you? You were there. Your spirit had broken. Why didn’t it happen?” That’s kind of my feelings about it as well. I tried. I thought I did the right thing.
Today’s sermon was about The Walls of Jericho. God told Joshua to have the Israelites march around Jericho. God told Joshua what would happen. Joshua didn’t pass it along to the people. Yet they obeyed. For 6 days they obeyed. They kept on marching. They had no idea why they were doing it. They just knew that God had commanded it.
Such is our lot in life. “God has a plan for your life. It’s better than your plan.” See, that speaks directly to my soul. I have just learned, THIS WEEK, that whenever I try to use my plan, it’s a bloody disaster. Why not try and use God’s plan? “Sometimes God just wants you to shut up and march.” Again, right to my soul. Stop trying to implement your plan. Shut up and do what HE says. “God is bigger than your marriage. God is bigger than your addiction. He is bigger than all of your problems. Let Him fight the battles.” Boom! Right to the solar-plexus. Everything the guy said was for me. I knew it, my bride knew it and God knew it. We got up to sing immediately after he said those things. The song spoke directly to my soul. “If this is you, answer the call. Come up here and answer God.”
I answered the call. I was led into the prayer room. And there I sat for a very long time. Eventually I was alone. “I need you right now” was my text to my bride. She answered my call. She came to my side immediately. Why, now that I had answered God’s call, was He not by my side? The guy that spoke to me could have been telling me I had just won $17Billion, a Grecian island, a 328 foot yacht, all tax free for life and that God was standing by my side to give me a high five and take all of my pain away. I wouldn’t have heard it. I wouldn’t have cared.
God had left my side. I had been abandoned by God Himself. I cannot trust anyone. If I cannot trust God, who can I trust??
So we drove home. My bride patiently and sweetly listened to my complaints. She tried, real hard, to counter my irrationalities. I continued a very quick slide into my mental ditch. And then she said it…“Your kind of starting a pity party her.”
Shit. Man….why did she have to say that? I know she doesn’t know what that does to me; I’ve never told her. It kills me mentally. It’s like a knife to my spirit. Now God had abandoned me and my wife hit me with one of the most painful things she can say (even though she doesn’t know that).
It only made things worse.
I came inside and almost immediately began writing. She folded a little laundry and, I’m pretty sure, is now taking a nap. Since I have entered pity party area, she wants to avoid me; my self-pity isn’t attractive. Her avoidance is even worse to me mentally. Here I am, hurting in a major way, and because she doesn’t like to see me like this, she avoids me.
WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING PAINFUL??? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO CONFUSING??? WHY CAN’T WE SAY WHAT WE NEED, UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER AND HELP EACH OTHER???
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.
I hate being at the Pity Party. I hate going to the ones my mother throws and I hate mine even worse.
I have calmed down quite a bit. My heart isn’t racing as it was when driving home. I don’t really believe that I am destined to live in pain for the rest of my life. I do believe that it is very possible that it IS my role to serve as a warning to others. That is a serious possibility. I am wounded. Again.
As we were getting out of the car, my bride said, “I’m still going Tuesday night.” <This would be to the support group at the same church> REALLY??? Why?? “Because I just realized that I need to go.”
Is it possible that she really DOES think she needs to go? Is it possible that she’s just saying that so I will go back? Is it a combination of both?
I’m making an executive decision RIGHT now. We’re going back tonight. I’m talking with someone at that church. Tonight. I refuse to let this die. I had been touched by God. I had obeyed Him. Is this me shutting up and marching on!? I don’t know, but I’m giving it a few more steps.