A Few More Steps

Any time I get down in a major way, lately, my wife has told me I have started my Pity Party. This is a really tough thing for her to say to me. That’s because we say that about my mother, the Queen of the Pity Party. I have some solid mental issues: Bipolar, paranoia. My mother, however, makes me look like a regular picture of perfect mental health.

So whenever she tells me that I’ve started my pity party, it stings. It stings real bad. As we were driving home from church, I vented. A LOT. I guess that venting turned into, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll just go eat worms.” And by I guess, I mean- yes, I did do that. I’m really talented when it comes to changing anger of a situation into the world is persecuting me. And that is precisely what I did today.

I was treated poorly at church. It hurt me very deeply. It angers me at God. It angers me real bad. Hell, even my wife is angry at God. “Why wouldn’t He send someone to help you? You were there. Your spirit had broken. Why didn’t it happen?” That’s kind of my feelings about it as well. I tried. I thought I did the right thing.

Today’s sermon was about The Walls of Jericho. God told Joshua to have the Israelites march around Jericho. God told Joshua what would happen. Joshua didn’t pass it along to the people. Yet they obeyed. For 6 days they obeyed. They kept on marching. They had no idea why they were doing it. They just knew that God had commanded it.

Such is our lot in life. “God has a plan for your life. It’s better than your plan.” See, that speaks directly to my soul. I have just learned, THIS WEEK, that whenever I try to use my plan, it’s a bloody disaster. Why not try and use God’s plan? “Sometimes God just wants you to shut up and march.” Again, right to my soul. Stop trying to implement your plan. Shut up and do what HE says. “God is bigger than your marriage. God is bigger than your addiction. He is bigger than all of your problems. Let Him fight the battles.” Boom! Right to the solar-plexus. Everything the guy said was for me. I knew it, my bride knew it and God knew it. We got up to sing immediately after he said those things. The song spoke directly to my soul. “If this is you, answer the call. Come up here and answer God.”

I answered the call. I was led into the prayer room. And there I sat for a very long time. Eventually I was alone. “I need you right now” was my text to my bride. She answered my call. She came to my side immediately. Why, now that I had answered God’s call, was He not by my side? The guy that spoke to me could have been telling me I had just won $17Billion, a Grecian island, a 328 foot yacht, all tax free for life and that God was standing by my side to give me a high five and take all of my pain away. I wouldn’t have heard it. I wouldn’t have cared.

God had left my side. I had been abandoned by God Himself. I cannot trust anyone. If I cannot trust God, who can I trust??

So we drove home. My bride patiently and sweetly listened to my complaints. She tried, real hard, to counter my irrationalities. I continued a very quick slide into my mental ditch. And then she said it…“Your kind of starting a pity party her.”

Shit. Man….why did she have to say that? I know she doesn’t know what that does to me; I’ve never told her. It kills me mentally. It’s like a knife to my spirit. Now God had abandoned me and my wife hit me with one of the most painful things she can say (even though she doesn’t know that).

It only made things worse.

I came inside and almost immediately began writing. She folded a little laundry and, I’m pretty sure, is now taking a nap. Since I have entered pity party area, she wants to avoid me; my self-pity isn’t attractive. Her avoidance is even worse to me mentally. Here I am, hurting in a major way, and because she doesn’t like to see me like this, she avoids me.

WHY DOES LIFE HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING PAINFUL??? WHY DOES EVERYTHING HAVE TO BE SO CONFUSING??? WHY CAN’T WE SAY WHAT WE NEED, UNDERSTAND ONE ANOTHER AND HELP EACH OTHER???

I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

I hate being at the Pity Party. I hate going to the ones my mother throws and I hate mine even worse.

I have calmed down quite a bit. My heart isn’t racing as it was when driving home. I don’t really believe that I am destined to live in pain for the rest of my life. I do believe that it is very possible that it IS my role to serve as a warning to others. That is a serious possibility. I am wounded. Again.

As we were getting out of the car, my bride said, “I’m still going Tuesday night.”   <This would be to the support group at the same church> REALLY??? Why?? “Because I just realized that I need to go.”

Is it possible that she really DOES think she needs to go? Is it possible that she’s just saying that so I will go back? Is it a combination of both?

I’m making an executive decision RIGHT now. We’re going back tonight. I’m talking with someone at that church. Tonight. I refuse to let this die. I had been touched by God. I had obeyed Him. Is this me shutting up and marching on!? I don’t know, but I’m giving it a few more steps.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to A Few More Steps

  1. chipgruver says:

    Wow, I’m so sorry. I was really saddened to read how poorly that church treated you. In an ideal world, when they saw their mistake, they should have immediately apologized. They are people so their system will be flawed, but they should be ready and eager to apologize for those flaws.

    I’m so sorry my friend. You were vulnerable and that marched right on that vulnerability.

    I want to address your feeling about God but I fear you will hear me as judgmental. Please hear the compassion I feel for you right now. While what I say is true, it is not true in a harsh sense. I am not in your face yelling at you that God loves you, I am sitting beside you firmly and gently reminding you that your Father in Heaven, the one who made you, he loves you.

    It is really good that you are honest about how angry you are at God. You are in good company. Ironically (I’m using that word a lot today), that is much of what my post that publishes in the morning is about. Jonah, David, Job, Jeremiah, Elijah, Peter, and Jesus all get sad/angry/confused by God and tell him so honestly. Notice that this is a list of Bible superheroes.

    We seem to think that God has a sensitive ego. He is, in fact, really tough. He can take as much anger as you can dish out. Far from discouraging these conversations with him, he encourages your honesty. Sometimes he wants you to beat on him until your exhausted and then fall into his arms and say, “Where will I go, but to you?”

    With that honesty is the fact that God is supremely respectable and should be treated with respect. It is sinful to be angry at God (as if we can judge him) and it is a sin to hide our anger from God (as if he didn’t know we were mad). The respectful thing to do with your anger is to tell him what you feel but not to demean him. He is holy. You are not. Be respectful.

    Finally, don’t buy the argument that God somehow wasn’t in charge of your experience at church today. He is wholly on the hook. If God is not powerful enough to manage a church service, what else can’t he do for you. So, while the church was at fault for allowing that to happen, God is not. He is wholly responsible and wholly right. The question that builds within that tension is whether God is trustworthy.

    He knew how you would react. He knew it would hurt, bad. He also loves you. What he did today was a wretchedly painful AND loving act? Will you trust him. Remember that the cure for your self-pity is to trust him that he knows what he’s doing. If you do, there is no need to be a martyr.

    He never said it would be easy, he just he would be with you through it.

    I love you. I’m sorry for the pain. I wish I could carry it with you.

    -Chip

    • I don’t see any of that as judgmental. However, you said it is sinful to be angry with God AND sinful to hide our anger from Him. What???

      I understand being respectful. No.
      I was treated with disrespect today. How am I supposed to give respect when I have been crushed? Plus, I CAN judge Him.

      I am an unworthy judge. And I also understand that I don’t deserve the ability to judge or disrespect Him. I’m still doing it.

      Since He is God, he’ll get over me being this way.

      Will I trust Him?
      No.

      Should I trust Him?
      No.

      I tried that today. My trust was misplaced.

      My pity party was over a few moments after hitting “Publish” on my first post. I’m past that now. I’m not past my experience.

    • I’m perfectly fine with harsh words by the way. That stuff is needed. Especially when I turn into the bullheaded guy.

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