I need another member on my support team. Last night I called my sister, who USED to be a practicing therapist. That’s the good part. The bad is that we weren’t on speaking terms from July until late September. That was my doing.
But I need another shoulder to lean on. She’s a good lady. I might be able to trust her.
It has become absolutely evident to me that I suffer from paranoia. For example- I have a deeply held belief that my wife has been cheating on me since April of this year. I also have a deeply seated belief that the reason she does not want marriage counseling is that she wants to make the divorce easier to initiate and execute.
I have zero evidence to support my beliefs. Quite the contrary. I have nothing but evidence that she is faithful and that she is VERY committed to our marriage.
If I can’t trust the closest person to me in my life, how can I trust my sister?
I have to try.
All that is going through my mind, as she drives to our meeting, is what she will think of me and who she will run to blab my dirty laundry to.
My bride, being ever patient and as understanding as humanly possible, reassures me that she isn’t going anywhere and that there is no other man. What about women?? see how sick I am!?
This transfers to my interactions with my bride. I will have complete conversations with her covering every possibility- in my mind. That conversation gets played in my head repeatedly. Eventually I have a real conversation with her, but it’s tainted by our “earlier” conversations.
I’m not well and I know it.
A few days ago I wrote about her ability to trust me. I said something to the effect of- because of my mental state, she cannot trust me to provide a stable platform on which to build our relationship. I brought this up to her last night. “Because I don’t know which guy I’m going to get each day, yes, that has a large effect on our relationship.”
The wheels of my mind began turning at a very high rate. If my mental state has such a huge effect and she can never really get close to me…our marriage is clearly doomed. If our marriage is clearly doomed, why would she be committed to it? Why would she remain faithful to me? Shouldn’t she be getting herself prepared for life with her next husband?? Oh my God! That’s why she’s in therapy!! It’s true, she is going to leave me! This all went through my mind the 2 milliseconds after she said, ‘yes, your mental state had a huge effect on our relationship’ (paraphrased)
I started to say something…but stopped myself. I had promised her our conversation would not get controversial and that it would not become a fight. I told her that I had things I wanted to say but needed to keep them to myself.
Score 1 for sanity.
So I sit here, a nervous wreck. I’m awaiting my self-inflicted destruction because I’m revealing SOME of my dirtiest laundry to my sister. My bride is praying.