Close Call and Strength

Sobriety Day 12…Celibacy Day 4

Close call today. Earlier I had detailed my desires for my bride. I had placed a good deal of pressure upon her to make love. Like a good addict, I found out she was looking for a little “action” herself and tried to take advantage of her desires. You see, today was her first day off of her period since we began this journey. And this is the week in her cycle when, even during the worst of times, I could almost be guaranteed an encounter.

I found out quite by accident. I watched her, as per usual, as she got out of my car. I have always enjoyed the view. And I could see her delightful choice of underwear. As usual, I was looking and I was not disappointed. Is it terrible of me that I like looking at my wife in such a way? Methinks not. But I’m the addict and I tend to make decisions that feed said addiction.

I took my usual course of action by mentioning I could tell she was ready for action…She was in an unusually good mood (better than normal that is) and was wearing her sexy drawers. Both are typical signs that there is a good chance we will be sharing our bodies with one another that night.

I took my shot and it was decided I was being kind of pushy so I backed off. And then the lust hit. I had to avoid her. I also said, (on an earlier post), that I had the good fortune of needing to run an errand. I git to leave the house.


She texted me as I was driving home. She said that she had read the latest entry and that she gets it. “Here you are trying to go into a long period of celibacy. You’re wanting sex, I’m wanting sex…It really sucks for both of us.”

Whoa!? She said SHE was wanting sex too!?

I had to ask her to clarify that statement. She did. She WANTS to make love tonight.

“I’m just afraid that it will turn into what happens every other month. I get my beginning of the month (cycle) sex and we’re done for the month. We would be starting all over after that.”

She sounds like this is hard for her as well. I asked if this were so.

“Yeah…90 days is hard even for me.”

We decided that we had to make this sacrifice to heal our marriage. It sucks for both of us. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.

We took a drive and we talked more about it. I told her that when we have made love (that’s different from sex) I have no issues. I am making an emotional connection. She agreed. I went in for more…”And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with plain old hot sex.” “I do. That’s what I have learned to hate.”

There are a few things that are beginning to make sense.

“How about we go kissing some?” “What do we do if you get fired up and need to finish?” “You know, when we were in school, there wasn’t one time that we would make out and I went home and beat off. I didn’t have any troubles then.” “I dunno, I might not be comfortable with that yet.”

She did tell me that I have to book a cabin or a hotel room for March 10th (the end of my 90 days). She said, “Because it’s gonna be on!”

I have something to look forward to 🙂

We discussed that we would have to be strong to make it. “I feel like I have to be the strongest though.” “Why?” Dude, you already tried to get me to have sex. It’s only day 4!” “You’re right about that. Funny, I’m not embarrassed or ashamed that I was weak for a bit.” “You shouldn’t be either.”

Later, at home, I walked by and smacked her ass. No problem. I did it again a few moments later. “Everything ok?” “Yeah, no problems. I just like the way that thing feels.” We had just had a playful moment and nobody had their feelings hurt.

I feel like we just gained a little bit of strength!

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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2 Responses to Close Call and Strength

  1. chipgruver says:

    You are flexing a muscle that you have never used before. It is your resist-sex muscle. The only use you had for it before was to not go rabbit sex crazy in public. Now you need it to work every waking moment. Part of your fear of the future is that you have no idea how strong that resist-sex muscle can get because you have never built it up before. Now is your chance.

    Because you are building it up, you should not be making out with your wife. You can barely resist sex while she is getting out of the car, how do you expect to resist it when she is kissing you? You are not that strong, my friend.

    Remember that the resist-sex muscle is not a fast twitch muscle. It’s the kind of muscle you use to run a marathon, not to lift 400 lbs. That’s why the strongest of us don’t test our strength with temptation, we run from it.

    You will soon discover how strong you can become with the Holy Spirit and some practiced self-control. Imagine the uses you will have for that self-control. You can want her as passionately as ever AND be conscientious and serve her at the same time. The passion and the patience can coexist in your heart.

    So don’t shortchange yourself the chance to build up that strength. It is hard, but all exercise hurts. One day, in the greatest of ironies, your wife will think that your resist-sex muscle will be the sexiest muscle in your whole body.


    P.S. One final thought. That same muscle is the one that protects you from porn and affairs as well. So not only will it build your relationship with your wife, but it will be part of the reason she can trust you to not be an addict behind her back.

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