Things got SO MUCH BETTER!!
Only replace better with worse.
She walked out on our initial conversation. I get it. She said I was having a pity party. Whatever.
I told her it was impossible. Innocence has been lost.
She came into our room to
talk with me go to bed.
I told her that, as I got home, that I was giddy to tell her about the 90 day celibacy.
“My first reaction was that this was incredibly sad.”
“Because sex is so important to you.”
So? I need to do this.
“I just think that this is going to be incredibly painful for you.”
No, this is going to suck. From where I stand, it looks impossible right now. But not painful.
We discussed how we need to start over. I’m thinking we need that innocence. How do we get that? I’m assuming that I’m the one that needs to achieve innocence. How? What the hell IS innocence? I think of purity. How do I attain purity??
I told her that, I think, we need to base our new relationship on trust and honesty.
Buuuuut we do t trust each other.
“Everything I’ve heard and read says that the disclosure is supposed to provide a new basis for trust. I don’t think the trust happened.”
Maybe you didn’t do a disclosure. Really all you did was answer my questions.
I told her that I’m ready to go, right now.
We were supposed to do it in the presence of our therapists so they can walk us through it. Personally, I’d rather do it between the two of us.
“Maybe we should use our therapists.”
Ok, I’ll get The Good Doctor on it.
“Maybe you did do a disclosure. I just thought that you needed to say it because of your healing process.”
I don’t think you believe my disclosure.
“I believe what you told me.”
You keep saying that you wonder if I told you everything.
I began telling her the story.
“Please stop. Not tonight. ”
I need to do this. You don’t believe me.
“You keep saying that there’s more.”
::This is true::
I was referring to things that happened before marriage.
“What happened at college?”
I told her that it was all porn usage. That there was a party (major football rivalry) I went to where I got insanely drunk. I went to the dance being held in the basement. As I stood arm and arm with two girls, one of them tried to stick her tongue in my ear. I split. I went back upstairs and commenced drinking again.
I told her about my outrageous porn usage. I told her about my $700 phone sex bills. That got her attention.
“And then we got married…”
“Do you think that trust level never happened after disclosure?”
I disagree with that. There was a new trust level.
“Is it still there?”
I don’t know…
Her head rose off her pillow.
THIS time I read the situation.
“I’ll let you go to sleep.”
“We need to address this this week.”
::head drops, instant sleep::
The Day ‘O Shit might be ending. Not soon e-fucking-nough.
Great work day.
Terror before counseling.
Joyous ride home- excited to give her the news about the 90 day celibacy.
She walked out.
I just need my shit sandwich and a cup of piss to put the proper end to the day.