No Direction, No End Goal

Therapy begins in 15 minutes.
The Day ‘O Shit continues.

My bride tells me that she wants me to initiate intimacy; she doesn’t think she can do it. I’m not going to do it because I’ll end up going too far and triggering a PTSD flashback.

No thanks.

I am close to the point that I’m through with intimacy. And by through I mean I’m starting to wonder if all the stress, pain and confusion is even worth it.

Let me explain…
If I touch her the wrong way she has flashbacks. She is very uncomfortable with any intimacy. She says that she is exponentially more uncomfortable with initiating it.

Because of her discomfort, I am uncomfortable with intimacy. I refuse to be the source of more pain. Therefore, as it stands right now, I shan’t initiate anything. I can’t go there.

Her response is that she needs to feel wanted. Yes, I know that. I would also like to feel wanted. Her inability to initiate intimacy does not lend itself to making one feel wanted. Quite the opposite.

I find it highly ironic that we are in this position. This all started because I was pissed that she refused me intimacy. Now that I know what I do, I’m having an incredibly difficult time showing intimacy. She doesn’t like that at all.

One might assume that I’m using this as punishment. “How does it feel to have it happen to you?” But that would be very, very wrong. It is not my place to punish her. She is my bride not my child. Also, this is incredibly painful for me. I HATE being in this position. I am not doing it out of malice or spite. I’m doing it because I’m now incredibly uncomfortable.

How the hell did I get to this point? Just yesterday I was speaking to my desires for her. And now…it’s all kaput.

So there is unbelievable pain and confusion. Is there an end to this? Is there a solution? Where do I go to find it? How do I find it? Is there hope for is? How can I look at my bride, as I long to be with her in every sense of the word, show her on a daily basis that she is wanted and desired, yet not push her too far? Is that possible? Will I ever get to feel wanted again? How? When? In a year? 2 years? 10 years?

The thing about relational problem is that people and their emotions are involved. Which leads to messy situations.

I want intimacy.
She says she wants to want intimacy.
She is incapable of showing intimacy.
I am very capable, but now uncomfortable with it.

And then comes our marriage. We can’t give the most basic of intimacies to each other without freaking the hell out. The treatment we both receive pisses off the other. Our marriage isn’t improving; it’s getting worse.

I am desperately wanting marriage counseling. She says she can’t do it. I say that our marriage is sick. If you had the flu, you wouldn’t want to only have the fever treated; you’d insist on treating the entire body. That’s how I view our marriage.

She says she can’t do it.
And we tumble along, blown by the wind. No direction, no end goal.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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