Needs, Desires, Messing Up

Today can fuck off and go directly to hell.

My day started as normal. I woke up, wanted to stay in bed, tossed around in bed for a few minutes, bitched myself out and finally got up. That’s standard procedure.

Normally, I pad into the kitchen and start my coffee IV. I did that. Then I go get ready. This entails me going to the restroom and begin the process of a 2 minute urination. I did that. As I was nearing the end, my wife started to come in.

“Uh-uh. You can’t come in here.”
Why not?
“My dong is out.
“So what?”
It’s trigger.

Thus began an incredibly shitty morning.

I finished getting ready, I didn’t do it in my normal location; she was there. I finished getting ready and told the boy we were leaving as soon as I said my goodbyes to his mother.

I skunked into the bathroom where she was prepping herself for the day.
I stood there.
She looked at me and stood there.

“I’ll see you later.”
:::more standing::: I turned to leave…
Are you not going to kiss me?
“That’s under your control. You initiate physical contacts.”
That’s your rule. Nobody told us to do that. It’s like you’re trying to punish me for what I’m doing to you.
“I’m not trying to punish anyone. I’m trying to give you what you need.”
I don’t have any problem with your kisses or hugs or putting your arm around me in bed.
“You have to initiate.”
“See you tonight.”
:::I turned and left:::

This tears me up.
I texted her my explanation because I know she doesn’t understand. It boils down to this:
If I hug her I get excited.
If I kiss her I get excited.
If I snuggle her in bed I get excited.
My excitement is a trigger for her memories. I refuse to be the cause of any more problems in that area. So it’s better for me to disengage.

I hate it.
I’m one of the most hands on, touchingest people you will ever meet. I show love and caring through my touch.
I have eliminated that from my arsenal of affection. It is tearing me up inside.

Why does this have to be so fucking hard? Why can’t she see I’m not trying to punish her? Why can’t she see I’m trying to protect her?

Her desire is for celibacy. I’m trying to meet her need here and it’s pissing her off. Well, I’m not sure if she’s pissed, I’m pretty sure my method is hurting her though.

What the fuck am I supposed to do!? I desperately want to fulfill her need.

About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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3 Responses to Needs, Desires, Messing Up

  1. chipgruver says:

    No easy answers, my friend. This tension between wanting to touch her in a non-sexual way but any touch becomes sexual for you: very difficult.

    But there is encouragement in the tension. The reason it exists is that you are taking her needs seriously. There was no tension before because her needs weren’t important. So don’t feel bad about in the tension, feel good about it. It is a tension between two good desires: the desire to love your wife and the desire to sexually enjoy your wife. That is a far more encouraging struggle (you aren’t wrong in either desire).

    This is not at all to minimize how painful this must be for you, But I don’t want you to feel you are sinning by struggling. You are struggling precisely because you are working NOT to sin.

    And that is very encouraging.


    • Thanks.
      I just hate having to resort to extreme measures to deal with this shite. She doesn’t have the capacity to understand why I have to do that; she’s had a very sheltered life. It makes zero sense to her.

  2. Pingback: I can feel it coming in the air tonight | Into the afterlife......

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