Sobriety Day 6

Meh…
That’s about all I have to say.

There are times that sobriety is incredibly easy. Such as right now. I’ve been busy all day. I’ve had things to do, my mind has been occupied.

There are times that sobriety is the most difficult thing in the world. Times where this:20131208-171127.jpgseems like an easier thing to solve. Those times typically begin when the sun goes down or any other time that I am alone.

NEVER go down the back alley of your mind alone; 20131208-171532.jpgalways bring a friend along.
-The Good Doctor

I think that is sound advice.

My problem with that is I’m almost always alone in that alley.
I see my therapist once a week.
My sponsor is ineffective.
My wife doesn’t have the capacity to understand my problem (she’s too pure).
My wife doesn’t need to go down that road with me anyway; it would be too much and I don’t want her to be exposed to it more than need be.

It’s been a shitty week.
On Wednesday I found it necessary to spew my anger at the world my wife. She had the privilege of taking the full brunt of my unfiltered assholeness.

When my wife was hit with my anger, that dislodged her emotions about my infidelity.
Nice work, asshole.

BUT, those feelings must come out. She cannot progress without experiencing them. I guess it could be said I helped her with her recovery. Of course you could also say that the antidepressants that I take…Never mind.

My Recovery is still an enigma to me. Has it begun? What the hell is recovery? How do I know if I are there? (intentionally poor grammar)

I know what recovery is for my wife and my marriage. I guess that for me, I’m so deep into my addiction, I might never know I’m in recovery until I’m neck deep into it. Probably everyone I know will know before I do.

To wrap up the day (so far):
I executed my ‘give the wife a break/space’ plan very poorly. I didn’t go as planned (of course).
I confused my wife with a shitty plan.
I told her the plan and apologized for poor execution.
I get to try again tomorrow.
Another day of sobriety (so far).
I’m about to go to an SA meeting.
I expect a shitty time with my sponsor.
I don’t know what recovery is.
I haven’t pissed my bride off yet. At least not in a major way.

Try Again Tomorrow
This reminds me of my young career as an assistant band director. I didn’t know how to control a class without being a massive dick. I would yell, gripe and at times belittle. My boss told me, “you have to be careful with that stuff. Those puppy tails may not be wagging as much next time.”

That is a huge concern with my marriage. If I keep failing, will she keep coming back? Will she be excited about working with me?

I just don’t know.
Lack of knowledge terrifies me.

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About MyJourney

I'm a 41 year old married father of 3. I am a sex addict. This blog is to document my progress, recovery and marital growth. Pornography is an evil creation. Let my experiences serve as a warning to all.
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One Response to Sobriety Day 6

  1. chipgruver says:

    Hang in there my friend. Recovery difficult to define because it is poorly defined anyway. Maybe the word redeemed would be better. You have given up so much (your relationship with your wife, with God) for your addiction: your sin. Now is the time to redeem what has been lost. To win it back.

    The fact that you are asking these questions is a good sign. Would the self-centered fool you were three months ago have ever even asked how to effectively recover? Would he have even cared enough to sacrifice for his wife?

    I thought not.

    You are struggling because, for the first time, you are really fighting. And fighting sucks. But it is worth it.

    We’re all in this together.

    -Chip

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