We slept in separate beds last night. Because she had mentioned not wanting to feel my privates (I snuggle her a lot in bed for warmth. My stuff being up against my favorite body part of hers tends to get me excited, plus that happens during the night naturally. She notices), I told her we should sleep in the boy’s room since they were away with friends. She’d take one twin bed and I would take the other.
“Ok, it’ll be nice to start out warm.”
She went to bed and I prayed for our marriage.
I went to bed in our bed. I couldn’t put myself in her presence because of the pain she was in.
She showed up in our bed during the night. “Why are you here?”
“My back hurts and I need to sleep in a bed where I know how to get comfortable.”
I instinctively started to snuggle…until I caught myself and rolled over. This happened several times during the night. A snuggle started and I rolled out of it.
Then the nightmare hit.
I was 12 again. The bastard forced me to my knees. I relieved my abuse again. I wasn’t aroused this time…so there is that.
Our day started with a soccer game. Our oldest son, a college football player (:::Brag:::he’s very good and on scholarship), was playing an indoor game with his friends. We told him we’d come watch.
During the 40 minute drive I think we spoke for a total of 47 seconds. I told her that I had tried to not snuggle since it made her skin crawl.
“It doesn’t make my skin crawl. It makes me have thoughts.”
Whatever. I see it as the same thing from my perspective.
We watched the game speaking very little. She would end up testing her leg on mine. I would move.
As we left for church we again spoke little. We were really early so we sat in the car. We barely spoke. I wouldn’t look at her. I can’t look at her. I’m too ashamed.
She tried to start conversations.
We need to do this or that…What’s your plan? That kind of stuff. Finally, “what’s wrong?”
We say in silence for 15 minutes.
I finally took us inside. We sat in next to one another in the sanctuary in silence. She rubbed my back for a moment; it was nice. I can’t return the favor.
The music began.
She stood and I sat.
My head was beginning to hurt.
This is a very trendy church that feels the need to jam the music on 11.
Head hurts worse now.
I got up and sat in the lobby. I can hear the music and now I can hear the preacher drone on, trying to be funny.
Dude, give the message and let’s go.
Here’s my deal: I cannot, in good conscious talk to her. I cannot look at her and I sure as hell can’t touch her. Those things are way to painful right now. Now that she revealed she is dealing with her ‘you cheated on me’ emotions, I cannot engage her.
I want to be the strength she needs.
I want to support her.
I want to meet her needs.
All that goes through my mind right now is her comments. “Why did you do this to me? What did you think when you got in bed with me? Seeing or feeling (innocently and during a hook up) your privates makes me think about what you’ve done.”
She mentioned something our former (her current) therapist said to us.
You both have to have emotional balance. When one of you is down the other had to be up. You cannot both be down at the same time.
Here’s why: My wife told me that immediately after the disclosure, she had to be strong for me. For me!
I suffer from major depressive depression and bipolar. My disclosure sent me quickly and deeply into depression. She had to support me.
Now that I’m coming out of it, she’s on her way down. It’s my turn to support her.
I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do or say or how to act.
I do know that she has asked for space before. She has asked for a break from our crap before.
The only thing I can think to do is to give her that space and to shut the fuck up about everything. In short, disengage. If she wants to talk, she has to initiate. If she wants a touch, she has to initiate. If she wants intimacy, she had to initiate. That’s all I can think to do.
I’ll continue doing my new stuff. I’ll keep doing my house stuff. I’ll try to stay gracious. But anything else I see as giving her the space she asked for awhile back.
I’m just terrified that by disengaging she will read that as not caring. But this is all I can think to do.
So hear I sit in the lobby. She’s in there listening to a message, I think. I know I’m not. My head hurts and I can’t focus on anything but us.
Maybe she’ll grab my hand on the way home. That’s be nice.